Illustrations by Claire Milbrath.
Have you been following our series wherein we ask a bunch of strangers to tell us about the crazy shit they see? Yes? No? If not, so far we’ve chatted with jail guards and ER doctors. So there. You’re caught up.
Anyway, we’re fascinated with apps like Tinder and Grindr because they mix all of the online dating fun of match.com and add in a bit of Chat Roulette for taste. Expectedly, people who get off using these modern sex-making apps are exposed to some pretty crazy shit. For your own enjoyment, here’s a collection of some of the most absurd stories we’ve heard from hookup app users. Feel free to add your own in the comments, you horny weirdo.
Bad After Taste
When I first got Tinder it was the day before I left for a trip to Miami back in April, and I thought it would be a great tool to pick up guys in Miami, and I was hoping to meet somebody to show me and my friends around. At that point I had no idea that it was a hookup app.
When I was there I was talking to a couple of guys but one in particular stood out because we happen to have a ton of mutual friends, like 50. It turns out he's actually from the same city as me, which is why I was talking to him a bit more than the others.
We tried to meet up a few times but after the third day of trying to meet up I was kind of taken aback when I asked him if he was going out tonight, and he said "why don't you come over and put on your fuck-me pumps." I actually had to look that up on Urban Dictionary. That was the moment when I realised that this was not a regular dating app.
Anyway, we kept talking and on the last day of my trip it was our last opportunity to meet up so I just went for it. A friend and I met him and his friend at a bar, and the whole time he was rubbing my leg but I kept giving him a look like "I am not hooking up with you buddy."
All of a sudden out on the patio he started making out with me aggressively, it was actually kind of good, but again I was determined not to let anything else happen, and not only because it was my time of the month. I told him that, but he still invited us over to his place, which was just next door to the bar.
His friend and my friend went to talk in the other room for a while, which was really awkward for her, while this guy starts fingering me in the other room. I kept telling him he couldn't do that, it was my time of the month, he shouldn't go there, but he insisted. He clearly did not care, and to be honest, I kind of liked it, so I just went along with it.
Then, next thing I know, he rips off my pants and starts eating me out. I'm like "buddy, I have my period," I could not believe what the fuck he was doing, but he seemed to be loving it. I've never met anybody like that before.
And that was it. He ate me out, I had a few orgasms, and then I was like, "OK, thanks, time to go." I did not return the favour. In spite of that he still gave me a call a few months later while he was in town, but I wasn't up for it.
Too Good to Be True
It was November of last year, so it was at the very beginning of my Tinder experience, and I had found a guy who seemed incredible. Perhaps too good to be true. He was a pro golfer, born and raised in Switzerland, he came over to Canada and went to school on a full scholarship, and was just killing it running his own business. He was incredibly ambitious and really good-looking, and we hit it off right away.
We ended up meeting up on a Thursday night for some drinks and dinner. That Wednesday I had actually gotten into a pretty serious car accident. I'm fine but the car was totaled. I was really shook up that day but thought maybe the date would cheer me up.
While we were on our way to the restaurant I started explaining to him that I had been in a car accident, so he starts trying to relate to me with his car issues. He tells me he's had 19 speeding tickets, he's been arrested twice, and he pays over $900 a month in insurance. I knew right off the bat this was a red flag.
While we were out at a sushi restaurant he just suddenly looked up from his food and said, "You're so pretty, you're probably the prettiest Filipino I've ever met." I actually spit out my drink, because I am the farthest thing from Filipino. I'm very white, and probably look more Italian or Jewish, but certainly not Filipino. I actually had to Google "Filipino" on my phone and show it to him so he could understand how wrong he was.
At this point I was just enjoying the entertainment value of the date, so I agreed to a drink after dinner, and we headed over to an Irish Pub downtown. While we were having a drink he started talking about religion, which is a subject I try to avoid on first dates whenever possible, but he brought it up, so I told him I was pretty much an atheist and don't really practice anything. He said, "That's interesting, I'm part of the Illuminati." He goes on to tell me about how his grandfather has all the secrets of the world and all these conspiracy theories that he's aware of.
It became pretty obvious at this point that this guy was a pathological liar and that most of his profile was made up. I doubt he’s a pro golfer or a small business owner or that he’s ever lived in Switzerland.
So I told him I was really tired and needed to go home, and he dropped me off back at my place. At the end of the date he went in for the kiss, and I went for a hug. I've never heard from him since.
The Art of Seduction
Against my better judgment I decided to install Grindr again, after having deleted it following a long slew of dates that went nowhere. I started chatting to this artist-type who was clever, charming, and a great conversationalist—something I had never really found before on the app.
After chatting for a few weeks we decided to grab a pint. It was magical and the sparks were instant. Without beating around the bush too much, we ended up back at his place.
I got there and his apartment was full of mannequins and doll heads. I tried to be all non-judgmental and just go with the flow. He’s an artist after all, so who was I to judge?
A few cold ones eventually turned into a full case, and sparing the lewd details, things got hot and heavy pretty fast. But one thing I thought was odd was that every so often he’d rush to the living room without saying a word.
I asked him what he was doing and all he said was taking notes, and refused to say any more. After the third time I decided things had become too weird, and decided to start my walk of shame home.
We shook hands as we parted, and I blocked him the next day. A couple months had past and I was attending this urban art exhibition with my friend. It was supposedly a collection of avant-garde pieces from local artists.
There was a crowd gathered around one installation piece, so naturally I went to see what all the fuss was about. Well, I have to hand it to the guy I met on Grindr a couple months prior. It was a pretty accurate rendition.
I turned to my friend and said, “That’s totally my junk.”
“Atta boy,” she said.
It was the first time I met someone in person through Tinder, so I was a bit nervous, but I had been speaking with this guy for about a month now and we were really hitting it off. We talked literally for hours every single day and sometimes sent each other pictures.
On our first real date I met him for a drink, only to find out he was an Alcoholics Anonymous member. I mean, good for him for getting help, but after I ordered a beer and he opted for a Shirley Temple, he began asking me all these weird questions, like if I’ve ever tried certain drugs or if I’ve ever swallowed hand sanitiser.
The best was he asked if I had any allergies, not because he was concerned, but because he wanted to know if I had an Epipen on me, which he went on to tell about how much of a "rush" you get when you get high off of one.
Anyway, he dropped me off and asked if I would feel him up, and so I just left.
Ten minutes later I get a message on my phone. It was a photo of him jacking off in the car.