Heroin Haberdashery and Cocaine Cobbling

Clockwise from top left: Opium-starched blankets from Laos, a heroin-insulated unisex dashiki from Ghana, Colombian suitcase liner made of a 52-percent heroin and lidocaine polymer matrix, bootleg Vans AV Eras with heroin soles from Ohio, a pair of heroin insoles from Oklahoma City, a heroin-infused terry-cloth robe from New York, and a Peruvian baseball cap made of cocaine. All photos from the Microgram Bulletin, published by the US Drug Enforcement Agency’s Office of Forensic Sciences.

The drug war is responsible for innumerable atrocities. The unjust laws it comprises have turned law-abiding Americans into criminals, dealers into doctors, and doctors into arbiters of our cognitive liberty. Families are broken, prisons overfilled, and public health immeasurably compromised. But of the many casualties of this failed experiment, none has had greater an impact than banning the use of psychoactive textiles. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution declares that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,” and by that virtue should protect my right as an American citizen to wear a hat made of cocaine. Yet that is a right I have been repeatedly denied. There was once a time when consenting adults had the freedom to wear a hat made of cocaine with pomp and dignity. But those days, my friends, have long since passed. In our very own New York City, the owner of a terry-cloth bathrobe had his rightful property stolen simply because it was saturated with a concentrated solution of freebase heroin and cocaine. Aside from the heroin imparting an attractive color reminiscent of dried urine, it also played an obvious utilitarian role. It is widely known that when one steps out of a hot and steamy shower, the parsimonious application of talcum powder can go great lengths toward preventing chafing and irritation of the skin. Yet talcum powder is far from benign; indeed, excess inhalation can lead to a host of dermatological and pulmonary ailments… and so it comes as no surprise that many of us have abandoned talc in our post-ablutionary routines for more health-conscious choices like heroin. Specifically, China White heroin offers many of the absorbent properties of talcum powder without the risks of pulmonary talcosis. So when we apply heroin directly to our bathrobes in order to expedite the drying process at some point in the future, we will have committed a crime? Last time I checked, the true crime was putting on one’s clothing before the skin has been thoroughly dried. South Americans have also been robbed of their sartorial rights. One Peruvian chemist and haberdasher produced a silicone-based material that can contain as much as 47 percent cocaine hydrochloride while maintaining its structural integrity. This wonder material was used to produce absolutely stunning baseball caps, wetsuits, and suitcases. Yet we are deprived of a fashionable innovation because of cocaine’s completely unrelated history as a psychoactive drug? Perhaps the regulatory authorities are unaware that melanoma rates are skyrocketing. If more Americans protected their skin from the assaults of ultraviolet light with a sporty, lightweight cocaine hat, the skin-cancer epidemic could be overcome once and for all. The history books may suggest that cannabis is a powerful psychoactive plant, yet they neglect to discuss its applications in shoemaking. For insoles, how does compacted hashish compare with, say, Dr. Scholl’s massaging gel? Could it be that innocent men and women falsely labeled “drug smugglers” were simply taking advantage of the shock-absorbent orthopedic properties of this fine plant? A marijuana-based shoe provides excellent support and can prevent both pronation and arch collapse, yet the words of concerned podiatrists fall upon deaf ears in our nation’s government. Native Americans can wear their traditional headdresses with pride, yet a Colombian must tremble in pyrexial discomfort as he boards a plane with a traditional heroin suitcase liner? Hypocrisy. Laotian children must tearfully sleep in the cold because their opium-starched blankets were seized by the fashion police? And the traditional quilted Ghanaian unisex heroin smock will be a mere memory or, worse, forgotten. One day, brothers and sisters, things will be different, and I will sustainedly look you in the eye, shake your hand wearing an evening glove made of a high-durability PCP matrix, and say, “You look great.”