Loving this, oh yes.
This article originally appeared on VICE UKJust like most people, most dates are unremarkable. Ninety-five percent of those €8 cocktails and kisses under restaurants awnings will float from our consciousnesses in the inevitable flotsam and jetsam of our escaping youth, as we march on towards long-term partnerships, marriage, children and death.But there are some dates that will stick with you. Those dates where the person did something so inexplicably strange or horrible or surprising that instantly, in one crystallised moment of divine illumination, you knew that you were never going to see that person again. We asked people about those moments, in honour of the official end of summer romance season.
The night before one date this guy sent me a reaaaally long, sexually explicit poem. Like, 13 stanzas worth of kinda hot, but also super weird stuff about "suckling my sweet pearl".What I was met with was a guy sitting with his hood up in a dingy corner of Spoons in the middle of a beautiful day, looking miserable with his earphones in. He didn't come over to say hi and basically gave me the vibe that he really didn't want to be there.What decided it, though, were the ten phone-calls and trips to the toilet that he seemed to make in one hour. It was surreal, and an old man watching the entire scenario from another table was just pissing himself laughing. It felt like he was feeding some kind of intense coke habit. Or maybe he had diarrhoea? Either way, the last time he got up, I just ran off into the sunshine and cried to my ma on the phone down the road.— Caroline, 23
"Maybe he had diarrhoea?"
It wasn't like there was a specific moment where I decided I never wanted to see her again, more like the other way around. We decided to meet up in a no-pressure environment, so she invited me to a house party she was having and I brought along a friend for moral support. We spent ages walking around trying to find this house, but when we finally got there her friend opened the door, looked at us, and said witheringly, 'Stephanie's all partied out I'm afraid'.I could see through the window that the party definitely wasn't over, so I was like 'are you sure?…'. But she just shook her head and closed the door on us. All that expectation slashed in an instant. We ended up going back to mine and playing Fifa and I never even got to meet her.
"All that expectation, slashed in an instant"
— Rob, 25
I found him on Tinder. He was unusual – hot but had a mystery about him. We bonded over a shared love of food. Initially, he seemed overly keen to meet me and for me to show him around London, because he was from Lincoln and hadn't been down much. I decided to take him to Pride as it was happening in Trafalgar Square. Little did I know, he was a raging homophobe!He was initially confused and thought it was just some festival, then he saw the rainbow flags and people in drag and was like, "what's going on?" I explained what Pride is, and he was just looking around like, 'what the fuck has this girl taken me to?' When he saw my brother, not knowing who he actually was, he turned round to me and said "who's that batty boy?" I'm also bisexual, so it was an all round deal-breaker moment, because he just made me feel like I was wrong to celebrate something so amazing.After that I said I had to go, I never messaged him again and he deleted me from all social media.— Katie, 23
"He saw the people in drag and was like, 'what?'"
Alarm bells went off pretty early when, at 19:00, my date turned up at the pub already completely smashed and ordered us two tequilas each. After five minutes, she asked if I wanted to score some coke and go on an 'adventure'. I was like "No, It's a Tuesday." She shrugged, called me boring, then pushed her hand down my trousers in the middle of the heaving pub. I pulled her hand off my limp dick and made the wild suggestion of maybe getting to know each other a bit first.While all that wasn't the best start, the epiphany moment for me was just after that, when she stepped backwards onto a guy's foot and then shouted at him being in her way. I hate rudeness far more than I do potential substance abuse problems, so I told her that it was kind of her fault. She just looked at me, said "I like your vibe", and bit my lip so hard it bled.
"She pushed her hand down my trousers in the middle of the pub"
After ten more minutes, I made up an excuse. On the way to the tube she shouted, "I'm hungry! BRB!" and rushed into a corner shop. When she emerged she was holding a huge sausage roll, which she immediately dropped into the road."Oh man, that's a shame," I said to her."What's a shame?" She replied, as she picked up the visibly gritty pastry off the road and finished it in two huge bites. I literally ran to the tube.— Cooper, 25
I was on the second date with a girl who was hot but lived alone with an indoor bunny. We were just shooting the shit for a while when the topic moved to deeper stuff like race and religion. She said, "I don't think I could ever date a black guy because of a clash of cultures and all. It would just be difficult for both of our families."I thought it was just a hilariously stupid thing to say, and I decided it was done at that point. But because we were in the middle of eating, we finished the night and left with a weird kiss. Basically I just got candle-lit with a closet racist for a couple of hours.— Michael, 21
"The topic moved to deeper stuff like race and religion"
We met at a bar, and he asked to take me out. He was cute. On our first and only date we went to a Michelin-starred restaurant, which was nice. But when we sat down he ordered my drinks and food for me, without asking what I wanted.I tried to enjoy myself anyway, but found that he was rarely there to talk to – he kept making numerous abrupt toilet visits. Following the 1 millionth loo visit, I clocked on. My date had been snorting cocaine, not weeing. Every time he'd return, he'd sniff and talk at me a million miles an hour. It was bizarre. Also, he never fucking offered me any, did he? After the longest dinner of my life, we left the restaurant.
"He kept making numerous abrupt toilet visits"
Now, filled to the brim with crab and charlie, my date excitedly hailed us a tuk tuk. I pretended to look impressed and got in, as a jazz club and more toilet visits awaited! At the jazz club, the absolute worst moment was when my date angrily growled that that the sax player knew nothing. Then he leaned in for a horrible, shellfishy kiss. I recoiled, felt a bit sick and decided that it wasn't going to work. Later, when he protested that we should go find a lock-in, I made my excuses, broke his cokey heart and went home.— Daisy, 25More from VICE:Inside the World of the Vegans Who'll Only Date Other VegansThe Lies People Tell to Get LaidWhy Are Young Men in the UK So Scared of Cunnilingus?