This article originally appeared on VICE Australia/New ZealandIs anything sacred these days? Are there any simple pleasures left on this earth I can partake in without attracting brutal scrutiny from users of the world-wide-web? Can I do anything in peace—without some millennial content creators coming at my neck to scold, shame, and flat out roast me for it? Can I live, people?No. Nobody can. Absolutely not. "Sacred?" I don't think so, sweetheart. There's no such thing in 2016. We're gonna take everything from you.
Today, we've grabbed Snapchat filters by the collar like a goddam high-school bully named Bryce, and we're shaking them down to grab at their proverbial lunch money. That is to say, we are going to analyse a selection of popular digital masks by Snapchat Inc., to find out what they say about you. Let's go!
The Dog Filter
- You probably drive an Audi. Or you catch Ubers everywhere, which are also usually Audis
- Your parents are in a functional relationship and they often invite your around for dinner. Your mum is one of the few people on the planet who can successfully make arancini at home
- Other people are jealous of you, and that makes you feel pretty fucking good
- You are extremely attractive already and you using dog filter makes you unfairly attractive. It's… not right
- Kylie Jenner is your hero—but you'd never tell anybody that
- You're a fucking normie, and I love it
- Dude, your hair extensions are so fucking nice. Brazilian? I seriously would have never guessed you had extensions if you hadn't told me. What did you drop on those? A grand? Two? Worth it. You're looking good. Really good. I'm actually kinda mad about it.
The Crying Filter
- Dude. When was the last time you used your phone? Serious question. What iOS are you running? Three? It's exceedingly odd to me that you've chosen to read an article about Snapchat filters when your own filter of choice would indicate you haven't actually opened the app in at least six months
- Seriously, like, this filter is really good but heaps more filters, some really similar ones, have come along recently. Some really fun ones, I swear. Just update Snapchat. It takes like, 30 seconds. Are you locked out of the app store because you credit card keeps declining or something? Because I can relate. Once, that happened to me because I accidentally made $150.55 of in-app purchases in the mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, which I certainly didn't have the funds to pay. Fucked me up for a solid few weeks there. Barely even worth it in the end. Barely
Lichtenstein Comic Book Filter
- Your favourite show is Daria
- "When is Tool releasing a new album?"
- You have three friends on Snapchat, and none of you really know how to use it but it's cute because that's your squad
- You wear a lot of badges and you've got a thing for novelty socks
- You draw on napkins and shit, and whenever somebody asks "what're you drawing," you always say "just doodling"
- You once met Louis Theroux and nobody you know has ever heard the end of it
The Flower Crown Filter
- You listen to way too much Drake, buddy. You're thinking "There's no such thing!" but seriously, there is
- Your favourite festival is Coachella, even though you've never been
- You're fully aware this filter's time in the sun is over but you use it anyway. That's pretty fresh actually. I like you
- You only record one of two videos: you lip syncing to a Rihanna song then putting your finger in mouth and sucking on it (if you're pretty drunk), or you holding the camera at arms length and recording your face as you spin around a house party
- You're really good at giving head. Like, really fucking good
The Tiny Head Filter
- This is for all the Tom DeLonges out there
- That's right baby, aliens exist
- …and you're looking at one!
- Is this Snapchat or Area 51??
THE EDM FILTER
- The only person who would conceivably use this filter is someone who genuinely believed it was kind of a cool makeup look. Like, one they're fully planning to apply to their face in real life once they pick up enough face paint from the nearest dollar store
- That, or you're actually 13 and one quarter and you're using the iPhone you got for your birthday. You love the song this filter plays. You wanted the rose gold but you got gunmetal and you're still a little mad about it but it's okay because you and Claudia have matching BFF cases and Lola is always a little jealous that she doesn't have one too but it's not like you're bullying her or anything, she just didn't come to Lovisa on the day you bought them
- Hunter is definitely into you, btw, he just doesn't know how to show it
- Why tf are you not allowed to use the computer after 8 PM? That is such bs!
- Math is actually easy you just have to pay attention
- Yeah mum and dad sleep in different bedrooms but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Daisy's parents do it too!
The Mouse Filter
- Sure, you're good looking, you're alright. You do okay. You're no model though. This filter jacks you up to an actual 10. A real dime. This is the filter people take home to meet their mums—it's cute, wholesome, and trustworthy. You send mousey you to all of your crushes
- You're 21, but you still own a pencil case
- People think you're a square, but you're secretly into some truly fucked up shit (in the bedroom)
- Aren't you?
- Ya little weirdo
THE RUNNING EYELINER FILTER
- You have like 3,000 followers on Instagram but you definitely want more
- You have three different tattoos of roses
- "Gosha sucks now"
That Weird Teal One That Makes Your Nose Way Slimmer
- Fuck you dude, your skin is already clear! Why are you using an airbrush filter when there is NOTHING TO AIRBRUSH??? You've literally already contoured your nose clean off your face and you're using a filter to make it even tinier!!! WHY??? It literally looks like a line of coke it's so thin!! You look better without the filter. I fully do not get you
- You're a mid-level manager at Zara. I'm so sorry, but all of your employees hate you
- You also use way too many filters on Instagram, and it's always the old ones! Like Hudson! Why are you still using Hudson?!!
Any Or All Of The Filters That Make Your Face A Funny And Occasionally Quite Upsetting Shape
- Fuck you, man. You don't care about looking bad, you just like to make jokes
- That's such a healthy attitude. That's really good stuff. Just living life for laughter, not for praise
- Did you go to therapy, or have you always just been a positive, kinda relaxed person?
- Obviously you don't need to answer that, ha, sorry, bit invasive I know. I guess I just wanted to ask because, you know, lately I've been feeling this weird way where like, two kinda giant invisible hands reach around my stomach and squeeze really really tight, then sort of move up to my lungs a bit, and, well, I feel like I can't breathe that well. It's probably nothing, you know, I'm sorry for bringing it up, but yeah, just kinda wondering if like, I dunno, you had maybe like, the number of your therapist or something, obviously it's no big deal, just um, thought I'd ask
The Chef Filter
- You think all chefs are hearty, belly laughing Jamie Oliver-types. Not terminally angry men in perennial possession of a bag of rack, which is what they actually are
- Your favourite movie is Ratatouille
- Which is perfectly fair because it is an absolute delight
- Honestly. It is a beautiful piece of cinema
- It's a pretty cliched thing to say, but this movie really is fun for the whole family. Young and old alike
- Extremely underrated
- You know this sounds a little weird, but like, if Remi was a human you'd definitely fuck him