Girl Eats Food - Cheesy Golden Money Bags

This is a delicious and easy recipe for anyone stupid enough to be a vegetarian.

3.11.11

There are chill vegetarians who don’t lose their shit if you happen to cook their mung beans in the same room as a pack of pork scratchings. But then there are morally superior, limousine liberal vegetarians who think that anyone who eats meat, does so while wearing the freshly-skinned hide of a panda bear after a long day of beating seal cubs to death. My beef with these type of vegetarians (lulz, “beef”) is that after all their preaching, they go home and stuff their face with pretend meat products made from salted Play-Doh, when maybe they should just learn how to make their life choice not taste of shit. So here’s a recipe for all you translucent-skinned, anemic asshole veggies out there, ie my target audience. Cheesy Golden Money Bags Usually a delicate blend of seafood chunks, spices and pig, you’re going to bastardise this beautiful Chinese appetiser with the meat of the vegetarian world: cheese. I’m willing to commit this sin for you guys, even though the entire AZN community think dairy turns gweilos into fat bloaters who reek of stale milk.

Annons

Ingrendients

1 x pack of spring roll wrappers
1 x bunch of spring onions
4 x chillies
1 x can of water chestnuts
1 x posh mushroom
1 tbspn of soy sauce
Some chopped coriander
Half a clove of mushed garlic
A handful of any hard cheese
1 x scoop of cottage cheese
A few slices of that fun bendy cheese you get in burgers Step 1.

Finely chop anything that isn’t cheese and soak in it soy sauce for a couple of hours. Maybe while you wait for that to happen you can pull your eyes back around the sides of your head and run around squawking with some chopsticks to make yourself feel even more authentically Oriental.

Step 2.

…But you can't, because that's racist and you've got to squish together your triumvirate of cheeses. If you associate the experience of enjoying your food with self-flagellation, these can all be substituted with vegan alternatives.

Step 3.

Smush the marinated veg and dairy together in a loveless, meat-craving marriage…

Step 4.

Until, ironically, it looks like the pavement outside Kebab Zero on a Friday night.

Step 5.

You can find these in the freezer section of all unfriendly Asian supermarkets. Given that they're essentially tasteless bits of paper whose sole purpose is to bring other foods together as unintrusively as possible, they also happen to be suitable for vegans.

Step 6.

Wet your paper squares until they're slightly sticky, then dump a teaspoon of filling into the middle.

Annons

Step 7.

Fold the wrapper over the filling into a neat triangle. This will allow your medley of ingredients easier passage to your mouth, and disguise the fact that what's inside looks like cat puke.

Step 8.

Then completely ruin all the effort you made with the triangle by scrunching the corners together with all the skill of an elephant with a boxer's fracture, until they look like wrinkled scrotes… or bags full of money, IDK.

Step 9.

I know I keep saying the oil has to be hot, but this time the oil has to be extra hot. Like, slightly-knocking-the-frying-pan-handle-with-your-elbow-a-little-too hard-and-melting–the-flesh-off-your-arm hot. Remember to spoon a little oil over your cheesy bags so the top gets golden, too.

Step 10.

Serve with sweet chilli sauce and in no time at all you’ve got a taste of the Orient in your kitchen, minus any Labrador meat or Dragon Mother-imposed "study bruises".