GUN
Icon Film Distribution - On DVD from MondayThe fact that Curtis "50 'Curtis Jackson' Cent" Jackson has a movie career is almost as bizarre as the fact that people pay him to rap, the key difference being that even Eminem and Dre don't pretend he's a good actor.But somehow that didn't stop him landing 200 million dollars in funding to start his own production company. Cheetah Vision Films has already brought the world one minor epic, Before I Self Destruct. IMDB says it's a:"Coming of age story about an inner-city youth raised by a hardworking single mother. When his dream of becoming a basketball player fails to materialize, he finds himself employed in a supermarket. After his mother is tragically gunned down, Clarence is consumed by revenge and takes up a life of crime in order to support his younger brother."Surprisingly, this story was written by Fiddy himself. He also played the role of Clarence.Anyway, Gun is the latest classic to roll out of Fiddy's art house, and it picks up on many of Jackson's favourite leitmotifs, hammering home his love of firearms, uncharismatic gangsters and early noughties late night Channel 5 sex scenes. Unfortunately Lloyd Banks (G-Unit's resident Craig David lookalike) doesn't turn up to play a science teacher in this one, but you can't have it all.The movie is terrible, but one of its few saving graces is the vague explanation it offers as to what Val Kilmer's been up to since Batman Forever. Typecast as a tormented has-been, he sleep walks around the set like his middle name's 'ium', desperately trying to find Kevin Costner for a hug and a few words of solace. It would be a forgivable career mishap if it wasn't a repeat offence – he also 'starred' alongside 50 in 2009's Streets of Blood (*adds to Amazon wishlist*).Gun chugs along at computer game cut-scene pace throughout, but is almost saved by an ending that sees Curtis deliver the genuinely haunting line: "Ain't nobody gonna miss me. I ain't got nobody. You ain't got nobody. We all we got." A soliloquy for our time as necessary as a 350-word review of a new film starring, soundtracked, written and produced by the rapper 50 Cent.
5
MADAME VALERIE KILMENOWTHE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Universal Pictures - On DVD from March 21stThis film might have been okay, but I found there was one major flaw with it: Every single fucking character was a detestable piece of self-indulgent human garbage. First up, we have Annette Benning, an unbearably pampered doctor who has a red wine-induced meltdown in a restaurant over composting and "hemp milk". She is married to Julianne Moore who, as she has done in every movie she's ever been in, plays a manic middle-aged housewife on the verge of a nervous breakdown who is always doing that thing where she laughs and it morphs into crying. They live in a beige house, filled entirely with beige objects with their beige children Joni, a human Flickr photograph who has been trying to get her parents to buy locally grown produce since like, forever, and their son, the infuriatingly named "Laser", whose hobbies include skateboarding while listening to rock music and snorting drugs that will "blow your fucking head off, man". Together, they get in touch with Mark Ruffalo, the sperm donor who fathered them: A vintage motorcycle riding organic restaurant owner whose record collection is so extensive that he's had to start storing them on his couch.I guess this movie is kind of accomplished, in that there were sections where, despite how much I hated all of the characters and their smug, salad-eating faces, I actually started to care about what happened to them. But those moments were always ruined by scenes of breathtaking awfulness (the scene where a dinner party breaks out into a Joni Mitchell sing-a-long, for example) and for that, I'll give it a 4. It was almost a 5, but I'm deducting a point because the end credits had an MGMT song over them, and I take final impressions very seriously.
3
ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JULIANNE M-O-RTHE RESIDENT
Hammer Films - In cinemas from FridayPoor Hilary Swank. I wanted her to succeed so bad. Did you know that she grew up in a trailer? Or that when she first moved to LA she lived in a car? When she got those Oscars, I really felt like it wasn't her winning at all – no: It was a victory for the little people. Her future looked so bright. And now she's here, starring in a "suspense thriller" so cliched that it's basically a parody, directed by a guy whose previous two credits are a documentary about Nightwish and the opening segment of 2007's Eurovision Song Contest. Fuck, man.I'm just gonna listen to this song for a while and imagine what life could have been like for Hilary if she hadn't wasted all those years dressing overly girlie to try and convince everyone that she isn't really a boy. God bless you Hilary. May you rest in peace.
0
HILARY SMASTURBATE
Icon Film Distribution - On DVD from MondayThe fact that Curtis "50 'Curtis Jackson' Cent" Jackson has a movie career is almost as bizarre as the fact that people pay him to rap, the key difference being that even Eminem and Dre don't pretend he's a good actor.But somehow that didn't stop him landing 200 million dollars in funding to start his own production company. Cheetah Vision Films has already brought the world one minor epic, Before I Self Destruct. IMDB says it's a:
Annons
5
MADAME VALERIE KILMENOW
Annons
Universal Pictures - On DVD from March 21stThis film might have been okay, but I found there was one major flaw with it: Every single fucking character was a detestable piece of self-indulgent human garbage. First up, we have Annette Benning, an unbearably pampered doctor who has a red wine-induced meltdown in a restaurant over composting and "hemp milk". She is married to Julianne Moore who, as she has done in every movie she's ever been in, plays a manic middle-aged housewife on the verge of a nervous breakdown who is always doing that thing where she laughs and it morphs into crying. They live in a beige house, filled entirely with beige objects with their beige children Joni, a human Flickr photograph who has been trying to get her parents to buy locally grown produce since like, forever, and their son, the infuriatingly named "Laser", whose hobbies include skateboarding while listening to rock music and snorting drugs that will "blow your fucking head off, man". Together, they get in touch with Mark Ruffalo, the sperm donor who fathered them: A vintage motorcycle riding organic restaurant owner whose record collection is so extensive that he's had to start storing them on his couch.I guess this movie is kind of accomplished, in that there were sections where, despite how much I hated all of the characters and their smug, salad-eating faces, I actually started to care about what happened to them. But those moments were always ruined by scenes of breathtaking awfulness (the scene where a dinner party breaks out into a Joni Mitchell sing-a-long, for example) and for that, I'll give it a 4. It was almost a 5, but I'm deducting a point because the end credits had an MGMT song over them, and I take final impressions very seriously.
3
ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JULIANNE M-O-RTHE RESIDENT
Hammer Films - In cinemas from FridayPoor Hilary Swank. I wanted her to succeed so bad. Did you know that she grew up in a trailer? Or that when she first moved to LA she lived in a car? When she got those Oscars, I really felt like it wasn't her winning at all – no: It was a victory for the little people. Her future looked so bright. And now she's here, starring in a "suspense thriller" so cliched that it's basically a parody, directed by a guy whose previous two credits are a documentary about Nightwish and the opening segment of 2007's Eurovision Song Contest. Fuck, man.I'm just gonna listen to this song for a while and imagine what life could have been like for Hilary if she hadn't wasted all those years dressing overly girlie to try and convince everyone that she isn't really a boy. God bless you Hilary. May you rest in peace.
0
HILARY SMASTURBATE