NEW YORK – JOKES FOR THE DEPRESSED

I have no business on the internet. I’m unemployed, lonely, and depressed. Unemployed is controversial. You know homeless people? They aren’t unemployed, they are non-employed. Unemployed means you don’t have work but you’re looking for work. Non-employed means you don’t even try anymore. If you think about it, non-employed is really where it’s at. That’s where you don’t do anything. I should not do anything, but instead I’ve been spending my days writing jokes. Here’s my new material…

Really Good Jokes.

A. Yo, why da limit two? Online it say ten.
Q. Uh, there’s a line.
A. Oh, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll get your ice cream!

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Q. Alright, alright! I think you’ve had enough!
A. But my bib is still clean!

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Q. Hey! I was about to eat that!
A. I guess you can’t slam dunk everything….

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Q. So where does that leave us?
A. In the middle of Tuscon with a Pizza Hut hat on backwards!

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Q. So where does that leave us? In the middle of Tuscon with a Pizza Hut hat on backwards? GREAT FUCKING PLAN, JACK!
A. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!
Q. You’re not the messenger!
A. Yeah I am!
Q. No, you’re not! This was your idea!
A. No it wasn’t!
Q. Yes it was!

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Q. You can measure a girl’s experience by the size of her dildo.
A. Whoa, whoa! Can we please change the subject!

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Q. This hot dog tastes like urine.
A. (Grins)

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Q. The word snickers sounds like the n-word.
A. Excuse me?

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Q. Sometimes dogs is smarter than people!
A. (silence)
(this happens every time we play a show out of town)

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Sorry, More Jokes.

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Q. What if a dog…BIT YA!
A. Stop! Jesus, that’s enough! You’re scaring me!

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Q. You wanna spoon me?
A. Oh, of course!

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Q. …so then I…hey! Come back here! I wasn’t finished!

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Q. And that’s why your mother doesn’t want to see me anymore.
A. Dad can I go to bed now?
Q. No!

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Q. I mean, if you think about it, it’s not stealing as much as it is lifetime borrowing.
A. Get out of my house! I’m calling the cops!

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Q. I got fired today.
A. No you didn’t! Ha ha!
Q. Yeah, you’re right! Ha ha!
A. Ha ha!

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Q. Doctor, that needle smells bad.
A. What? This little guy? No way.

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Q. Man, that aint no car, it’s just a box o’ cherries!
A. Well, that may be true, but it aint jive unless it got a little style, nah mean?
Q. Psshhhh! You know who you talkin’ to?
A. Man, it aint even like that.
Q. Oh, it isn’t? Two years of being properly employed and having my own lawnmower and it aint like that? Let me tell you somethin, you fucking bitch. Back when you was a gay ass baby I had a doo rag and a fuckin coffee shop, nah mean? I was straight rollin for pussy and I knew where to find it. See, pussy’s like money. Money’s like pussy. Ya dig? Just yesterday I was bumpin some shit and this bitch ass hobo stuck his nasty ass cup in my car window, rattlin it around askin for some change and I straight said, “No thanks, brotha, I got plenty of my own change. But thanks for the offer!”
A. Hey, that’s actually pretty good! Ha ha!
Q. Right?!?! Ha ha ha!

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Q. So there I was with some fuckin bum wearin a face like “huh?” and the lights bout to turn green and I straight wants to speed off but it’s like, if I take off, I’ma have a fucking bum’s arm hanging out the side of my car and I gots like seven figures in mother fuckin cash on me, nah mean? Shit’s straight fuckin stupid.
A. Well, what happened? What happened?

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Fine, More Jokes.

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Q. Hello? Hello? This is Rob at 101.5 and we’re calling to say you have won six million dollars!!
A. Sorry, Rob, you have the wrong number. (click)
Q. !?!?!??!?!?!

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Q. Do you like my new ring?
A. Well, I can’t see something if it’s 2 centimeters away from my eyes.

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Q. Look, man, if you want to share your new raps with me that’s fine, but you got to start brushing your teeth or chewing gum or something cause your breath is really…
A. FUCKING BITCH ASS HO/I’M FROM THE GHET-TO…

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Q. Here, here. Let me make you a drink.
A. That would be nice. You know what else would be nice? IF YOU’D UNTIE ME AND LET ME GO! I MISS MY FAMILY!
Q. Ha ha!

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Q. And thaaaaaaat’s why we’re breeaaaaa-kiiiiiiiiiiing uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
A. (runs out of restaurant crying)

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Q. THIS IS A STICK UP!
A. Yeah, well your fly is DOWN, homie!
Q. !?!?!?!??!?!?! (kills himself)

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Q. Your little brother is really amazing for being mentally retarded.
A. Yeah, yeah. He’s amazing.

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Q. Honey, the dinner you made tonight was de-licious! (turns, winks at camera, and pretends to stick his finger down his throat)
A. You know, what’s really funny is that you haven’t been employed for six months and we’ve amassed a lifetime’s worth of debt.
Q. (turns, winks at camera, and pretends to stick his finger down his throat)

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Q. Honey, that was some great sex! (turns, winks at camera, and pretends to stick his finger down his throat)

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BRYAN CLOPTON