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Vice Blog

Royal Wedding Rumble!

You know what would be a stupid idea? Getting Prince William and Kate Middleton to get married in the centre of a city currently in the grips of both an anarchist fad and EDL race riots. We could do it over the May Day weekend – a time most Londoners under thirty traditionally spend smashing bank windows. And, just to help grease the wheels of mayhem, we’ll give the entire alcoholic nation a four-day weekend to dig themselves into a mass grave of chemical unrest before beckoning them in huge numbers out into the sun to join a wedding party. To counter all that we’ll spend billions on security – adding to the huge debt already accrued by the long weekend – and flood the route with tooled-up riot police who’re currently the focus of a revolutionary groundswell. It’s a perfect storm for a perfect wedding.

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This whole patriotic bazaar could basically turn into the biggest wedding punch-up since The Reformation. I know you don’t really give a shit about the wedding, but you’d be amazed how many different people are obsessed with it. Which is why VBS have made Royal Wedding, a documentary about the weird parties with a vested interest in Wills and Kate’s big day.

Here are a few of them.

THE NEW KNIGHTS TEMPLAR


You know the gallant, humble knight at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well English Defence League founder Paul Raye is just like him, except his crusades involve less epic battles against the Byzantine hoards and more drunken flag waving in Luton. The Lionheart of England, as Paul calls himself, lives in exile in Malta now. He claims he moved there because of all the Islamic bastards imposing Sharia Law on Londinistan, but rumour has it he skipped town because of a war with other EDL members.

This Arthurian skinhead struts around Malta’s medieval towns with his crew of supremacists dressed in white hoodies, like the TK Maxx KKK, befriending the clergy and praying at ancient altars for Prince William to lead a war against Islam. Don’t tell him this wedding’s just a tourist trap, for Paul it’s the most important thing to happen in Britain for 2,000 years. Which is kind of a bummer for Oliver Cromwell, Henry VIII, Thomas Becket, Geoff Hurst, William Shakespeare, Churchill and the rest of history’s shirkers.
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WATCH THESE CHARACTERS IN VBS' ROYAL WEDDING HERE.

ROYALIST PORNOGRAPHERS


I genuinely thought that high-concept porn was dead. I thought that grainy mobile phone footage of tag-team teenage blowjobs had cast costumes, scripts and soft-focus into the tissue heap of history – but I was wrong. Television X still have a dream. They have a dream that involves getting “Whitezilla”, the man with the biggest caucasion cock in the business, and an actress with three ‘x’s in her surname to dress up as the royal couple and bone each other in a castle near Stoke. They also have a dream of hiring the leading Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles impersonators to come and watch “William” and “Kate” have a gangbang with an extreme sports scrotum pretending to be Prince Harry and a posh blonde dressed as whoever Prince Harry’s girlfriend is. If you liked The King’s Speech, then you’ll love A Right Royal Romp. Four stars.

MUSLIM EXTREMISTS


You know who really wouldn’t enjoy a porn film based around the Royal Wedding? Anjem Choudary and his organisation, Muslims4UK. Anjem is everything Paul Raye thinks Muslims are: Smug and dangerously educated sociopaths who reckon Kate Middleton is a slut. When we met Anjem and his acolytes for dinner, he said that once Sharia Law passes in the UK (literally, any day now!) he’s going to put the Royal Family on trial and behead them all, but for now, he’s just up for disrupting wedding parties. According to some disreputable newspapers, on April 29th, him and his brave boys may be burning flags in front of crying children waiting to see a princess and angry racists desperate to prove their allegiance to the fakin’ King! I doubt they’ll be that close to the front though, because Anjem’s got a hunch that Al Qaeda are going to bomb the balls out of the procession. But, let’s be honest, Anjem knows Al Qaeda about as well as he knows Stevie Hyper D.
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WATCH THESE CHARACTERS IN VBS' ROYAL WEDDING HERE.

NICE OLD LADIES


Old ladies love a good wedding almost as much as they love tea. A hundred or so years ago, some Don Draper in a top hat with a pipe realised that if you combined the two you’d rinse the pensioner pound. He stuck the faces of a Royal couple on a teapot and from there an industry was born: flogging porcelain crap to nice old women who think William and Katherine will make a very striking couple, indeed. We went to meet Margaret Taylor, the biggest collector of royal memorabilia on the planet, at her home, “Heritage House”, which is a bit like the Victoria and Albert Museum curated by Thora Hird. When we told her that some Britons might not agree that the wedding would be the physical manifestation of every majestic fantasy they’d ever had, she looked like someone had shat in her Victorian tea urn. Perhaps if Anjem could see her sad eyes, he’d refrain from executing her heroes.

LONDON'S COCAINE AND RUGBY SOCIALITES


To your average classless hooligan in a plastic St George bowler hat wolf-whistling the royal carriage as it breezes regally down The Mall, Kate Middleton may seem like a nice posh sort. But they’re wrong of course; she’s middle class as fuck. It doesn’t matter that her dad sells pieces of Africa to plutocrats at secret auctions in The Hague, thanks to Britain’s ironclad class system, Kate will be our first middle class Queen.

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For her peers – West London’s errant art historians and the most flamboyant rugby squads of Marlboro College – the engagement was a Rosa Parks moment, opening the door of Buckingham Palace for all the nouveau riche billionaires who’ve craved aristocratic credibility for years. Or at least that’s what they thought before William chose not to invite anyone to his wedding except those with twelve generations of entitlement and the Archbishop of Canterbury. Now they all claim they hate him and his receding gums and who does she think she’s kidding with those fugly thighs anyway?
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WATCH THESE CHARACTERS IN VBS' ROYAL WEDDING HERE.

ANARCHISTS


There are two types of anarchist in London at the moment. There are the black bloc guys who smash Topshop windows and listen to crusty techno. Then there are the older anarchists, who are a bit less “Bloody Revolutions” and Baader-Meinhof and a little more “Country House” and Spamalot about their politics. Not that the police can tell the difference between one group of militant children planning on storming the wedding party, executing coppers, stealing their guns and riddling the procession until the country’s a freegan republic, and the other: Baby boomers giggling into their sociology doctorates about building huge medieval phalluses and muppet guillotines, telling everyone who’ll listen that hundreds of them are going to bunga-bunga in the middle of the procession to appease pagan fertility gods. A little section 40 of the terrorist act works just as well for both; lock them up until William and Kate are safe on their fabulous honeymoon hunting blacks on tropical islands owned by the House of Saud, and truncheon them until the anarchy dribbles out of them in amorphous streams of brown.

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CONSPIRACISTS


The police are, of course, fighting a pointless battle here. No matter how many student dilettantes they arrest, no matter how many civil liberties they erase, they won’t be able to stop Satan and the impending apocalypse that this wedding is heralding. Not long ago I interviewed the internet “academic” Dr Joye Pugh. Call her nuts, but she’s noticed that Prince William looks almost exactly like Jesus. Call her mad, but she knows that Hitler had perfected cloning and drew Christ’s DNA from the Turin Shroud. Call her cray cray, but her remarkable research has proven that Prince William is the clone of Jesus imbued with the spirit of Lucifer and that this marriage will help him raise his international profile before he announces himself as our Satanic ruler through a false-flag alien invasion at the opening ceremony of the London Olympic games in 2012. So enjoy your four days off Britain, cheer the balding Morning Star and his damned bride, Hell on Earth is round the corner, the oceans will turn to sulphur and your miniature Union Jacks won’t save you once the ground is melting away beneath your heathen feet.

WATCH THESE CHARACTERS IN VBS' ROYAL WEDDING HERE.

WORDS: ALEX MILLER
ILLUSTRATIONS: ANDREW RAE