We Got an Illustrator to Draw the Biggest Swedish Stereotypes About Denmark

This post originally appeared on VICE Denmark.

Danes probably know Sweden best as that country over there that definitely isn't Denmark. You know, that giant frozen wasteland filled with moose-riding snus-fanatics who insist on the merits of building quaint, super flammable wooden homes and listen to nothing but the very best of acronym based musical acts? Yeah, those guys. Yet in spite of us having spent centuries chopping each other's heads off, our neighbourly relationship has luckily improved over time. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that Swedes are remarkably different from us lovely, wholesome Danes.

At least we still hold certain stereotypical notions of the Swedes to be self-evident: they're always completely wasted, their fashion sense makes Flava Flav look like Paul Newman and they're all citizens of Scandinavia's very own third world country (what goes on in those vast forest areas void of cellphone coverage? Let's assume the worst.) Also, they're all blonde and hot, but who cares?

And just as we have our fully justified, generalising ideas of what a Swede is like, they too have their own stereotypical perception of us Danes. So we asked our Swedish colleagues what they really thought of us and had their answers illustrated. Here's us defending ourselves.

WE ALL LOVE TO FUCK ANIMALS
That's such an April 20th 2015 thing to say. Yes, we used to be cool with it. A goat every now and then, a dog every blue moon—it was all hunky dory as long as the animal didn't suffer. Well, we've changed now. The state has recently realised that it's wrong to hump little innocent fur balls; the act has now been added to our great big list of no-nos. That's not to say that we all used to love boning animals; it's always been sort of frowned upon. Nevertheless, we're sorry about the misunderstanding—it is now illegal to make love to animals in Denmark, and we'd like to be known for something different now, please. By the way, did you know that Metallica's drummer is Danish? Pretty rad, huh?

WE DRINK ALL THE TIME
Do you know anyone who hasn't barfed in a bus? Bet you really have to think about it, right? We live in a country where Christmas-beer-day is a thing, where we once used to pride ourselves for having the most drunken youth in the world and where the better part of our music and cultural heritage is sponsored by beer-labels: Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek, The Carlsberg Foundation, Roskilde Festival, Grøn Koncert, The Floor is Made of Lava's career… We could go on all day, but the point is that many of us spend our weeks busting our asses at jobs we don't want just so we can fill our guts with fermented hops on the weekends until we can't remember how we got home, or whether we used a condom.

The most important thing, however, is that we can all agree that the Swedes are way drunker than we are.

WE'RE A BUNCH OF TRY-HARD HIPSTERS
I don't know if we're trying hard, but we're definitely trying. For instance, we have the highest WSM ratio in the world (Weekday stores pr. millionth citizen), topping Sweden's 0.63 with a whopping 0.89. Touché, Sweden.

WE'RE TOO FOND OF SANDWICHES
What is it with the rest of fucking Europe/the world that makes them incapable of slapping together a proper sandwich? Go to one of those countries where perfumes and condoms are all encased in little anti-theft plastic containers at the supermarket, and all you can get a hold of are soft, white triangles with cucumber, cheese and wet, sweaty ham. I believe the culinary world refers to this sort of stuff as "poop". It really isn't that hard, people. Yes, we like sandwiches, but I'm starting to feel like it's our duty to educate the rest of Europe's sandwich illiterates in the noble art of putting together pieces of bread. You're welcome, World.

GUYS HAVE BIG NOSES AND GIRLS HAVE LONG PRETTY LEGS
We guys have big noses, so we can smell our sandwiches better. And yes, some girls have nice long legs, as some guys have nice long legs, too. You know what? Some horses also have long, delicious, toned, muscular, powerful, sweat glistening, sexy legs… WE'RE GINGERS
The last couple of years, gingers have received an unfair amount of hate in all corners of the internet, in spite of them being completely like the rest of us. They should be treated with the same amount of respect as you and me, or, say, people who enjoy the circus. That being said, I don't think we're especially ginger. You're probably thinking of Ireland.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLUBBING, TECHNO OR DANCING
Oh, we're sorry, maybe you haven't heard of Twerk Queen and Søpavillonen? (If you haven't, we're sorry, and we do hope you come visit us soon.)

WE'RE ALL RIGHT-WING OR RACISTS
Yep, Denmark has, indeed, become a nesting ground for right-wing enthusiasts. Can you for instance remember that time when we all thought a university student was a terrorist because he was dark-skinned and nervous about his exam? And we sent machine-gun equipped police squads to guard the airport? That actually happened. We even had our own section of PEGIDA for a while, but they've changed their name now—sort of like ISIS. There's not much to suggest that the right-wing trend is coming to a halt anytime soon, so it's going to be pretty interesting to see how that'll affect the upcoming election.

In all fairness though, we couldn't care less about what the Swedes think of us. I mean have they really achieved anything worthwhile since Astrid Lindgren? Let's not forget that Pippi Longstocking was absolutely brimming with racism not to mention all the animal cruelty: primates don't want to be domesticated and horses don't want to be lifted, Pippi, they want to be left the fuck alone.

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Previously: We Got an Illustrator to Draw the Biggest Danish Stereotypes About Sweden