This story is over 5 years old.


Unreal Talk - Let's Attack Iran!

It just makes so much sense.

Every week, we argue the case for something EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL. Join us as we engage in the X GAMES of journalism, saying what we don't always mean for the sake of persuading you to believe in the unbelievable…

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Should we attack him and his country? Of course we should! Photo via

For years, all we've had out of the idiot gang in Tehran is lies, cant and balls. “We only need this uranium for civilian nuclear power.” Really? Given that you only need to enrich uranium to 3.5 percent to make nuclear power, why have you got all of this stuff enriched to 20 percent lying around? “It's for medical reasons.” Really? You're pioneering therapies that involve turning patients into superheated cosmic vapour?


Year after year, the Iranians have been sniggering behind their hands at us. In 2003, they said that the Kalaye Electric Company site was a peaceful electronic goods station. But far from being a giant stockroom for Iran's booming toaster and alarm clock industries, when the International Atomic Energy Agency arrived to inspect it, they realised the ticking they could hear was the doomsday clock. They'd re-painted everything, of course, and moved a lot of internal walls around. Too bad they'd forgotten about the massive doses of radiation thrumming out of the inspectors' Geiger counters. This proves not only that Iranians are, a) inherent liars, and b) nuking up, but also, c) that they don't seem to understand that you don't need to see a bomb in order to detect its presence. Surely this is the minimum level of intelligence a nation requires if it's to be trusted with planet-destroying weapons.

Already, the wets are saying that it would be unwise to launch a massive pre-emptive ground invasion. That we should wait for sanctions to bite. That it would be a Western PR disaster. That there's just no particular reason to unleash 200,000 service personnel in a wave of Lockheed-certified brimstone against one of the cradles of civilisation. But that is the problem with wets. They're wet. They don't understand that you need to bop the playground bully on the end of the nose and then they will relent and give you all of their sweets instead, and you can sit on them and tell them that thing that Darren Martin told you about their mum and her new boyfriend in the car park behind ASDA, ha ha ha.


Remember that the dangers of allowing Iran to proceed would far outweigh those of appeasement. You let Iran continue this way and the entire Middle East is going to be down the nuke showroom before sundown, black AmEx cards in hand, a salesman with a husky voice extolling the excellent handling of their newly-purchased ICBMs.

The result: death paella. Iran has a grand total of zero friends in the region. Even other hate-sponges like Syria wish they'd piss off and move somewhere west of Morocco. The Saudis hate the Iranians. The Iraqis really hate the Iranians. The Jordanians hate the Saudis. The Syrians hate everyone. Throw in Israel and suddenly the Middle East resembles a big, dusty playground for the paranoid psychoses of several different nations to run amok in. The only difference is that in this playground, all the children are armed to the teeth with nuclear bombs, and the dinner ladies are screaming religious zealots.

So let's start making plans. Is this thing feasible? Do we have the strike capability? Well, Iraq only had 13 years of sanctions to weaken them. Iran so far stands at 17. They're fucked. There's a run on their currency. They can't sell their oil. Their standard of living is plummeting. Pretty soon, their 13th century political philosophy will be matched by a 13th century standard of living. Technologically, they're in steep decline. Your average Iranian is so techno-starved, that frankly they'd be happy to be liberated by anyone bearing a Tamagotchi and a Moulinex. We have only to kick in the door and the whole rotting edifice will come tumbling down.

Meanwhile, the West has been powering ahead. Imagine a world of 256MB MP3 players. Congratulations, you've just imagined 2003, the year we hit Iraq and a time so primitive that most people had never even heard of wi-fi. A time so backwards that people bought shares in AOL. Now, take that technological J-curve and transpose it onto the manufacture of smart weapons. Do you see how much more awesome we are these days? How easy it would be to prance all the way to Tehran, clicking our heels on the cobblestones safe in the knowledge that our intelligent drones were clearing a fiery path some 200km ahead? Precisely.

Surely the best reason of all is simply good parenting. Nations like Iran style themselves as the incorrigible kiddies of the global community. They stick their fingers in their ears and refuse to believe we're serious when we tell them to stop fucking around. If the West is to be the adult in the room, then the West must be credible in its threats. So let's set some firm emotional boundaries, preferably by crossing their boundaries and blowing up their telephone exchanges. Let's attack Iran.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes