Hey Ron! - The Green-Eyed Monster

Ever date someone whose best friend suddenly becomes a shitty little whiner because he or she is an attention whore? We've all been there. This is precisely today's dilemma. And, of course, Ron has an eloquent and thorough solution. This is also the first time someone named Ron has asked Ron a question!

Hey Ron,

My friend Karen has a relationship problem. She has been dating this guy James for just over a month now and it’s been great between them. She has been at her happiest since they started going out. They really are a great couple. But there is a problem. Her friend of four years is jealous. Now it’s not the kind of “I wanted to ask him out” jealousy, it’s the “I’m jealous that you got a man” jealousy. She needs to choose between the two but can’t decide. Can you give some advice to this young couple in peril?

A concerned friend,

Ron

Dear Ron,

If she cares for Karen she should not be jealous of her. The solution is that she needs to find herself a man. Plan a party for her, bring some friends over – some men. She should not have to choose between a man and her friends. That's ridiculous. There are certain things that a man can give that a woman can't. Unless you're into licking stamps, if you catch my drift.

Maybe this girl has personal issues, maybe she likes her man. Maybe this girl's just not getting it, and she's like "If I can't have it no one can." And let me tell you, if Karen's getting it good she is not going to leave her man. This is not her talking, this is her friend speaking her heart, I guess on her behalf. Karen needs to say, "This is my man, and you've got to find one of your own. There are plenty of them out there. If you're giving me the ultimatum then you're barking up the wrong tree. I don't swing that kind of way, I don't fly that kind of kite." If she gets pissy then she's definitely not your friend. A friend would want you to be happy.

If Karen's even contemplating choosing then she's a real idiot. She shouldn't have to choose. But again, it sounds like Karen's friend just needs to get it good. She definitely needs to get her back broke. Then she'll realize why her girlfriend is with a man and hanging out with him a lot and she's as happy as she's ever been. Why? Because her back hurts. So therefore she should realize: "Listen, I want to be happy also and be happy for her. Let her go on her business, I'll spend time with her when I can, but I need to get my back broke from time to time. Then I won't be such a bitch."

If she doesn't want to date someone seriously, then she should just find a friend with benefits. There's also another option that could work: Maybe the friend can get in on the action. I think that's a win-win for everyone, especially the guy. But then again that could also break up the relationship. Either way, everyone just needs to get laid.

Love,

Ron

Previously on Hey Ron!

STEREOTYPES ABOUT BLACKS

INTERRACIAL DATING

MY DAD'S A DICK

No problem is too big for our man Ron. If you’ve got something on your chest, send an email here.