Wasted Life - A Thanksgiving Prayer

Songwriters wouldn’t piss on Thanksgiving if it was on fire, and it is, and they don’t. Christmas is the subject of whole albums by Elvis Presley, Phil Spector, RuPaul, Twisted Sister and Bob Dylan, and Halloween is the inspiration for more than one entire clownfaced subgenre, but Turkey Day has almost nothing to be thankful for in the music department. Memorably, Crass’s first album included a rousing display of solidarity with the non-vegetarian US proletariat called “Do We Eat Turkey on Thanksgiving? (Of Course We Fucking Do!)”, but Crass were, here as elsewhere, the exception to the rule. It must be hard to rock about Thanksgiving. Our nation’s country and folk idioms are better suited to the celebration of this wholesome feast, where Americans raise a glass, burn the pie, beat their wives and blow their neighbours. Rockers like to sing about grievances and excitements, but they are not so good at busting a gut to thank the good Lord for His blessings. “How Great Thou Art” is few people’s favourite Elvis record.

On Thanksgiving 2007, Little Richard joined the ASU marching band during halftime. He was moved by the spirit of the season to play “Good Golly, Miss Molly” and “Jenny, Jenny”, excellent songs that are totally inappropriate to the holiday, except for the part where you blow your neighbour. I say this not to mock Little Richard, who is a genius, but to point out that he had no Thanksgiving material in his repertoire.

Little Richard halftime show, 2007

The Trojans murdered the Sun Devils, 44-24. This game is particularly vivid in my memory because, watching the first quarter at a longshoreman’s bar, I bet my brother-in-law’s Isuzu on the Sun Devils. It took some smooth talking to get out of that one, but it all turned out okay. Let’s just say I got a little “Thanksgiving gravy” on my “knife”.

In 1967, Arlo Guthrie, son of Woody, released a long, comic narrative song called “Alice’s Restaurant”, in which he dumps trash on Thanksgiving day and so is disqualified at his draft board physical. Arthur Penn followed Bonnie and Clyde with a bizarre feature film based on the song, which Guthrie now says has become “a Thanksgiving ballad, more than an anti-war this, or pro-that, or whatever it was.” But you can tell it was a good anti-war song at the time, because like all the good anti-war songs our men in uniform whistled this one merrily as they debrained infants.

Arlo Guthrie sings “Alice’s Restaurant” at Farm Aid in 2005

Of course, John R. Cash could make you believe in Thanksgiving, as he could have made you believe in the wisdom of Dianetics, healing crystals and payday loans, if he had so chosen. Appearing as Kid Cole on a very special episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Cash didn’t top his role as the killer in the Columbo episode “Swan Song”, but he did sing a lovely ballad that expiates the abominable cruelty of this holiday.

Johnny Cash sings “A Thanksgiving Prayer” on

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

If, like me, you’d rather hear the holiday damned than praised, I am unaware of an equivalent to Fear’s “Fuck Christmas”, but the late William S. Burroughs said a good grace over the bird. Think of it while you and your aunt are sharing roasted donkey dick and crabapple shit salad in your cousin’s condo on Jenkem Lake, where Big Mouth Billy Bass is always singing “Take Me to the River” and white supremacists fart in the carport.

William S. Burroughs reads “A Thanksgiving Prayer”

*Due to a rare and serious disorder, Moe Bishop is unable to read your comments. However, Moe’s personal assistant Stephanie screens them for compliments, which she reads to him at his bedside. These cheer Moe up, especially during the holidays. Stephanie, who spends a lot of time dealing with Moe, appreciates anything that takes his mind off his disorder, his enlarged prostate and his deep, irrational prejudices, however briefly. May God bless you all.

Previously: Wasted Life - Profiles in Courage