The Daily Mail decided to scare itself and terrify its readers by getting some guy to peer into his crystal ball and come up with a future in which we're all about to die and everything is shit. "The date is October 29, 2019 and Britain faces its darkest hour. On the battlefields of Europe, our Armed Forces have been humiliated." Ooooo! "In makeshift prison camps on the continent, thousands of our young men and women sit forlornly, testament to the collapse our ambitions." Eeek! "From the killing grounds of Belgium to the scarred streets of Athens, a continent continues to bleed. And, in the east, the Russian bear inexorably tightens its grip, an old empire rising from the wreckage of the European dream." I'll stop now before I have to reach under the desk and try to hide my erection. If Dominic Sandbrook's article is of any worth at all, it's for the glimpse it provides into the paper's psyche. Threat is everywhere – it imagines 36 Londoners "tragically" dying in bank bombs in September 2012. They see Nicolas Sarkozy "keen to flex his muscles" by striking a deal with Putin's new USSR and annexing civil war-torn Italy. "Nationalist skinheads" are "on the march" in cities across Europe. They see the juggling, disorganised crusties camped on the steps of St Paul's – or not camped, as the Mail's own investigators have shown – and imagine a militant anti-capitalist movement called the "Guy Fawkes Anti-Cuts Collective" wreaking havoc across the continent. Why do you do this to yourself, guys? Did Paul Dacre push the new workie into the office toilets and tell him him he couldn't come out until he'd whispered "Dominic Sandbrook" into the mirror three times? Actually, that might make sense, but then I would be making a huge and ludicrous leap in logic. Some other stuff happened over the last few days. Wanna get up to speed because you spend all weekend up with speed? Go to page two. UK
JIMMY SAVILE DIED (via)
One of the last people on television allowed to have a personality died this weekend two days before his 85th birthday. As well as presenting TV shows, Jimmy Savile DJ'd, claimed to have invented the world's first disco in 1948, raised over £40m for charity and was knighted. Savile had recently returned home from Leeds General Infirmary where he spent ten days after contracting pneumonia. UK
PRINCE CHARLES HAS BEEN THE MAYOR OF THE COUNTRY FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS (via)
Hmm, I dunno. Maybe that's a bit strong? Either way, the government have gone to the Prince of Wales at least a dozen times since 2005 to see if he wants to block any legislation that might harm his private interests. And that puts him in a position that is technically above Parliament, right? An investigation carried out by the Guardian has found that ministers from six different departments have gone to Charles to get his consent to draft bills on subjects like road safety, marine access, gambling and the Olympics. The heir to the throne enjoys this privilege due to what is described as a "secretive constitutional loophole", a loophole through which he sticks his nose whenever something comes up that might harm his £700m property empire or offend his taste for traditional architecture. It's not the same thing as when the Queen has to rubber-stamp whatever's put in front of her by the Commons or the Lords. It's something else, and though no one will tell us what, if any, changes Charles has made to legislation, people are understandably worried that he's acting beyond his remit. London
NORTH WEST LONDON'S JEWISH VIGILANTE POLICE FORCE CAUGHT TWO CRIMS (via)
There was high drama in the city of London this weekend, when the Shomrim posted this picture to Twitter on Saturday night. "Cars vandalised in Golders Green, NW London with anti semitic graffiti," they said. The Shomrim later tweeted that they'd detained two suspects, who were then arrested by the real police. Yep, seems like a pretty open and shut case to me. On the off-chance that there were more than two people wandering around North West London with silly string this weekend, you can dob in friends and relatives to the Shomrim on 0300 999 1234. World
THIS IS PRETTY FUNNY
Happy Halloween, Boss, we're glad you're not dead yet.