A Basic Guide to Existing in Summer

Hi I'm Bertie, this column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related things I think are stupid.

Ignore what it says in that line above. I'm not going to do that this week. Sometimes trawling through sexist bullshit on Twitter is just too depressing. Sometimes even I need a break from all the cruelty. So this week, instead of bombarding you with reasons why women's magazines want you to sacrifice your body fat, I've decided to write a short guide to existing in summer when there's nothing to do except worry about your sun to alchohol ratio.

There comes a time when even the most determined cold-blooded cynics have to hang up their laddered 60 denier tights and listen to "Get Lucky" 14 times on repeat. Sure, maybe you just discovered Game of Thrones and you want to stay inside for the next few weeks, but summer’s here and for the next five months (please) you must get used to listening to Task Force with pollution and pollen in your nostrils and a cider headache. No, but it’s fun! The warmer months can be hard to ease yourself into. Apparently everyone’s been going to the gym since November (what?) and you always end up cutting the arms off at least one of your nicest tops. Also, on a practical level, getting dressed when it’s still light is like living in a permanent “changing room mirror” (ugh). Still, never fear, follow my PGB guide and I promise you’ll have the best summer that Instagram’s ever seen. PRETTY GIRL SUMMER TIP #1. BUY A WHITE BIKINI
Buying a bikini is so boring. First of all, you only wear it three times and then you leave it festering in a plastic bag under your bed until it smells and is rotten. Second of all, it makes you notice that your bum isn’t what it was last summer, your hair is way shorter than you thought and every bikini with a matching top and bottom in your size has an abstract purple and gold pattern of flamingos on it. (WHY?) Listen, fuck everything, buy a white bikini with tie-sides and a “bandeau” top. When it’s dry, you’re an East Hampton second-wife by way of Croydon, and when it’s wet you are literally nude. Don’t let a bikini define you. Own it.

PRETTY GIRL SUMMER TIP #2. SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON “KEFIR”
You probably bought some nail growth pills from Holland & Barrett last Autumn and tweeted about them a few times, but I’m afraid your half-hearted attempts at health boasts aren’t going to cut it in 2013. Unless you’re a Russian supermodel surviving on two strawberries a day and whole lot of cardio, you’re going to have to make a bit more of an effort. If last year was about inhaling as much ketamine as you could while you were still able to keep your eyes open, this is the year of Baobab, Chia, Moringa and Barley Grass. “Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t know what Baobab is?” Etc.

PRETTY GIRL SUMMER TIP #3. INVEST IN A PHOTO-READY LILO
Not that LiLo, genius, a genuine lilo. A plastic vehicle filled with air which helps you with flotation and does not resemble Lindsay Lohan in the slightest. Think of the profile picture possibilities! Think of the impromptu shoots! No inclination to trawl Amazon looking for novelty luxury pool toys? I already did it for you.

PRETTY GIRL SUMMER TIP #4. QUIT YOUR JOB/DROP OUT OF SCHOOL
So you've spent the last eight months hating your life, looking for a way out of the shitty time-wasting routine that somehow crept over you and holds you by the throat. Listen, if there's a time to burnout, get fired/evicted/expelled and make a break for the freedom you've always dreamed of, it's now. I'm not saying you should voluntarily make yourself homeless or anything, but you know, summer nights are much more forgiving when you're sleeping rough. AKA you probably won't literally die. PRETTY GIRL SUMMER TIP #5. BUY A NEW RIMMEL “APOCALIPS LIP LACQUER”
Because you’re gonna be doing a whole bunch of making out once the sun goes down. What is it about summer nights that make everyone so goddamn attractive? Actually duh, it's the endless pink Echo Falls with lemonade, and sweat. Once you’ve soaked up all the rays the park can muster, it’s time to fasten your bikini top back up, pucker those Vitamin D soaked lips and reach for a warm body within grasping distance. After all, what's the point of all the boasting and flunking if you don't get to make it up by snogging someone Ryan and Marissa style until till your lips chap, your phone dies and you realise it's nearly October?

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously – This Woman Is Telling Lies to Vaginas