Annons
Annons
Annons
Annons
The N64 pad was also massive, and while the optional rumble pack was a cool extra—it came boxed with Star Fox 64, buzzing as wildly as a 15-year-old in the summer sun after downing a bottle of Banana Red 20/20 whenever McCloud got a missile lodged in his Landmaster—it simply added extra weight to an already cumbersome controller. What Nintendo did next, with the GameCube, was reposition the stick closer to the D-pad, removing the third prong and going for a more "traditional" wing-grip body, albeit with that customary company quirkiness, which explains why A, B, X and Y are so bizarrely arranged. My fingers and thumbs never got used to the GC's uniquely awkward layout—I loved its spongy triggers, but that Z button was a constant irritation, while the C stick… what did the C stick do again? Did it order pizza? It probably ordered pizza.Nintendo's biggest rival through the 1990s, SEGA, wasn't without some crappy controllers of its own. Its swan-song console, the Dreamcast, was special in many ways, but its official pad was a distressing hybrid of future-facing ambition and abject stupidity. Good: its colorful face buttons and second screen (which was on the changeable memory cards, called VMUs—"Visual Memory Unit"). Bad: its size (too big), its cable positioning (it's backwards), and its flappy triggers. You couldn't really hold it for too long, either—much like the "Duke," its sheer size was always forcing the hands into position, rather than resting in them with ergonomic precision. They always felt cheap to me, too—I've three of them, and I don't think one works perfectly anymore.New on Motherboard: The Internet Won't Let Us Look Away from Murder
Annons
Annons
OK, that's probably enough. I might have taken the Philips CD-i's weird, TV-remote-like controller to task for being a certifiable basket of crap, but since the company lost a billion dollars on their flopped console, I'd say they've suffered enough. The Amiga CD32's pad warrants a mention, too, on account of being, basically, upside down and, if you squint, sort of smirking at you, laughing at you, for buying Commodore's always-likely-to-fail system over a SEGA or Nintendo. This new Steam controller also looks like it's destined to, what are the kids saying, get in the sea? Why would a controller be anywhere near the sea? You might drop a Game Gear in the surf I suppose, should it slip from your grip during a frenzied session of Baku Baku while on an afternoon stroll in the shadow of Sellafield. Anyway, the Steam controller: probably cack.Wait. Can we count Kinect? Should we? Does that not make you the controller? Sure, you're an awful controller. The worst. Now click away and whine somewhere about how I just "don't get" the N64 and "missed" the Wii U's GamePad off this list because I am an SJW shitstain pushing an anti-Xbox agenda or something. Happy button bashing. Be grateful that your PlayStation's not got one of these plugged into it.Follow Mike Diver on Twitter.New on VICE Sports: Antonio Tarver Is Fighting for a Hollywood Ending