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Gaybashing Lyrics, Rape Arrests, Spitting At Girls: N-Dubz' Not That Secret Past

This cocaine indiscretion should barely register on the N-Dubz dick-ter scale.

Oh Tulisa, it's not going great is it? You were sacked off X Factor, your album sold so few copies that thousands had to be pulped, and yesterday you were arrested after genius journalists at The Sun proved that you knew people who could get journalists at The Sun drugs. The sting, led by the News Of The World’s infamous fake sheikh, forced police to arrest you and your rapper mate.

Thank God you're out now. We don’t want to take all the credit at Noisey, but we did tweet #FREECONTOSTAVLOS about four times and suddenly someone had posted bail.


You've been made an unfair example of, haven't you babes. I'm pretty sure you could ask anyone under the age of 30 who works in entertainment for drugs and they’d probably be able to help you out, even if few would be such a puffed-up, overweening braggart about it. I know some people think that you set yourself up for this fall, by describing yourself as a “role model” and “an inspiration for broken Britain”. But I know the truth, that you were in the most ratchet band in the country.

N-Dubz were, let’s be honest, three thugs from Camden with about as much charm, good grace and regard for the well-being of women as a tanked-up Ted Bundy roaming through an All Bar One on Ladies Night. Dappy was found guilty for assault earlier this year. The incident occurred on a garage forecourt, when Dappy attempted to chat up two teenage girls. When, for some unknown reason, the girls refused to go home with him, he called them sluts, spat in their eyes, and beat the living crap out of their mates.

That's actually the second time he's been in trouble for spitting in a woman's face, pleading guilty to two charges of assault a few years back. I forget whether that was before or after he sent death threats to a Radio 1 listener, was arrested on suspicion of assaulting the mother of his two children. Then there was their DJ, DJ Maze, that got arrested on suspicion of rape after the band attended an after party for their show at Butlins. With all that in their history, this cocaine indiscretion should barely register on the N-Dubz dick-ter scale.


But my favourite thing about N-Dubz past is a song called "Sex" from their platinum selling debut album. Remember, at this point in their career, N-Dubz were marketed as a band for kids. They'd tour school assemblies, play underage shows and everyone was calling them the new face of youth culture. That's around the time this video came out (it's insanely NSFW):

Never mind Robin Thicke, with his vaguely sordid video and potentially chauvinist symbolism. This is Dappy, with topless women on all-fours, whispering sweet misogynies as he pulls at the chains round their necks. We're all for x-rated rap music, but not from a band that headlined a council-run festival called Youth Beatz.

Here are some of the lyrics, I’ll talk you through them.

I don't mean to be pushy, pushy

I'm just in it for the pussy, pussy

Who wants to come get a pie of the piece

Got time for everyone, I ain't on no leash

Be single and mingle around

Seen one too many get tied down

That shit right there is pricey

I ain't got no wifey

Free love, who could stand against that? I guess they thought they were just embodying 60s ideals here. Throwing out the shackles of monogamy. Oh and sorry if it feels like a guy's pressuring you into sex, he doesn’t mean to be pushy. All though it is going to be hard to get away with that dog collar round your throat.

Ever since I started puberty

I was looking in magazines just to see the nudity

Truthfully, guess I don't care who you be, be


I'm fine if you take a chicks virginity

Looking at your phone becomes a misery

'Cause she calls you up more times than infinity

Here the Dubz raise a common problem with punching the V-card. Girls —presumably super young girls, probably around the age of 16, the average age a girl loses her virginity in the UK— can often get a bit clingy after you sleep with them. It’s so annoying when you just want to spend your time looking at porn mags and mashing virgins, a real drag on the lifestyle.

Bitch, let me be, I don't need no stress

I'd rather have a pint and a li'l bit sex

Sex no text, root it then boot it, shag that back

Fuck all the kissing and cuddling

Why don't you grab my balls and try juggling

Here’s a little reminder of how they marketed themselves around that time.

I'll go on.

Josh slept with Bianca

Little did she know he was wanker

'Cause he was a bi-sexual prick

He love slits as well as dicks

He fucked Bianca as hard as Rick

Never thinking of takin' a trip to the clinic

Now they're all in it, they might have AIDS

I can't have babes

Great to see N-Dubz, with all those teenage fans, telling people what those bi-sexual wankers are really like. Especially at a time when two out of five victims of homophobic bullying at school contemplate or attempt suicide. They reinforced AIDS stereotypes most thought had been dead for decades.

So this "fall from grace" that the papers seem to think Tulisa's experienced in the last couple of days is a myth. It's really just a continuation of the N-Dubz nightmare. The three of them are destined for a lifetime of scandal, brushes with the law and shame. Basically Tulisa, your life is destined to play out in court rooms and on front pages.

Hope that makes you feel better.

Illustration nicked from Chris SimpsonsArtist. Follow him on Twitter @getbentsaggy and buy his prints here.

Follow Sam Wolfson on Twitter too, @samwolfson