All photos by Jake Lewis
Interviews and dates aren’t all that different, especially if, like me, you insist on only interviewing people that you have a massive crush on. Eventually, my editor suggested it might be safer for all parties involved if we just called the interview a date from the start.
I'm going on a date with Canadian singer Mac DeMarco; the guy that your fashionable and switched-on girlfriend dreams about every evening. Since graduating high school in 2008, Mac, born Vernor Winfield McBriare Smith IV, has released a bunch of albums - Rock and Roll Night Club, 2, and Salad Days. His sound is described as "blue wave" and "slacker rock", he pulls his dick out on stage and sticks drumsticks up his arse, but right now he's trying to take his music seriously - Pitchfork is a big fan.
I met Mac at Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium - a place that is basically a weird strip club for people that want to watch and pet cats instead of humans. It's a bizarre place; full of twee tea-sets and grown women crawling across the floor cooing "puss puss" to felines that are running for their lives. I sat down, ordered a glass of water - it's important to always be hydrated - and set Mac to task.
Noisey: Hey Mac, welcome to Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium.
Are you a big fan of pussies? (I say as I tentatively stroke mine… it’s sitting by my feet)
Haha, yes I am.
What was it like growing up? I bet you had lots of lovers.
Yeah, kind of. I've got a girlfriend now.
Oh, right. Our little secret then… Would she mind about this? Would she wanna join?
She’s actually in New York.
When the cat’s away as they say…
Not so much, I’d have my balls cut off. But I’ll be sure to give you the best date you’ve ever had.
You’re sweet. Have you ever had a threesome?
No, we’ve never had one.
Would you like one?
I don’t know, I think I’d be a little nervous.
Tell me about Make Out Video.
That is my old band that I started in Montreal. It’s the same thing as I’m doing now, but pretending to be a band.
Have you ever made out on video?
Oh yeah many times, boys, girls.
It’s a shame we’re not recording now, actually.
It’s weird, when you wrote that song My Kind of Woman, did you ever imagine you’d be sitting in front of her on a rainy day in May, surrounded by kitty cats?
It never really crossed my mind, but I’m very happy to be here.
Do you believe in fate?
Yes, I do.
I think it was fate that brought us here today.
It must be.
(Wrong, it was his PR people) What star sign are you?
I knew it! We’re compatible.
My girlfriend loves all that star shit. I hate it, it freaks me out.
Same, I hate it, it’s the freakiest. So other than being here with me and surrounded by pussies galore, what would be your dream date?
I’m not sure, it’s not really about the activity for me, it’s more about the comfortability with the person. I’d say doing something trivial can be nice like getting a nice snack, sitting outside or hanging out with some cats.
Would you say that you’re a romantic person?
I’d like to think so.
What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?
See that’s the thing, I’d like to think I am but I don’t really know. One time I broke into this hospital with this girl I used to date. We were breaking into parts we weren’t supposed to be in, saying that her little brother was sick, and then we kissed in the hospital. But I don’t know if that’s romantic.
No, that’s sweet. MRSA is sexy. Have you ever brought girls home to meet your mum?
Yeah, but when I do it’s not like, ‘’you gotta meet my mom’’. It’s more like, ‘’that’s my mom.’’
Do you think she’d like me?
Yeah, she would. She’s a cool lady.
So, do you go all the way on the first date?
You mean, like…?
Dick to China?
The very same.
I guess so. I haven’t been on a date for a while though. When I was living in Vancouver, yeah.
Well, I took the liberty of booking us a room just in case…
Haha, well there you go.
So, how did it feel when you were on stage and you put those drum sticks up your bottom? Was it different to when your girlfriend does it to you at home?
She’s never actually done it. No threesome and no ass play either. The drumstick thing people think I do a lot. I was just very inebriated, I’d been hanging out with some Icelandic guys, so, you know, it happened. It was an experience.
What about that picture of you on Twitter with a cigarette up your jacksie…
What is that word?
Jacksie? You know, your bottom.
Did you smoke it afterwards?
I don’t think so.
You also get your dick out on stage a lot. Is that because you’re drunk or because you like the feeling?
If I do that on stage it means that the show isn’t going very well. Even if it’s a bad show and you pull your wiener out, everybody’s like ‘’that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!’’ You know, just because you did something weird. It’s usually those circumstances, or I’ll be angry or drunk.
Ah yes, the angry penis flash.
But when I do it only a couple people notice.
Oh no! Is it that small? (I feign concern, but we both know I’ve had smaller….)
Well, I mean it’s nothing special, but I do it in a subtle way. I think you can get arrested for that.
It’s sort of like when girls go commando. It’s just really freeing.
Yeah, I hate wearing underwear or pants. It’s so restricting. I wish I didn’t have a ball sack.
(Now we’re talking) Are you wearing underwear at the moment?
Yeah I am.
Grandma always said, ‘’What if you piss your pants? What are you gonna wear?’’ You’d be fucked.
Has she taught you a lot of life lessons?
She taught me that and then when she dropped that the Thanksgiving roast on the floor she was like, ‘’a bit of dirt never hurt anyone.’’
Is that why you put stuff up your bottom?
That can give you Ecoli.
How long are you in London for? Have you been partying?
I leave tomorrow. I missed my flight, so I arrived at like 6 this morning and I’m just exhausted. But it’s ok.
I completely understand, we can just snuggle.
Do you like to snuggle? I like to snuggle.
Yeah, I like to snuggle.
Tell me about your female fans? Have you ever received any panties in the post?
Oh that’s weird, I sent mine first class.
You did? But yeah, no, I’ve never had them in the post. They get thrown on stage a lot. They must be so hard to get off though - actually I guess not if they’re wearing a skirt.
I’d whip mine off for you in a flash.
Well, there you go!
Are you and your girlfriend into sex toys or anything? Maybe anal beads? I know you like it up there…
No anal beads. But I once bought a fake vagina. I bought it on Carnaby Street when I was a teenager visiting London. It’s called the Traveller’s Honey Pot.
Why, because it gets sticky inside?
I don’t know. My friend got one too.
Did you guys do it in unison like a disembodied spit-roast?
He bought one and used it for a while and then he was like, ‘’I’ll sell it to you’’ and ran it through the dishwasher. I just thought he wasn’t into it. But actually he went back to the store and bought another one. The original one was Caucasian and had these blue bits on it, and he went back and got one that had Mulatto skin, a butt hole, and vibrated. He wanted to upgrade it I guess.
What happened to yours?
My little brother found mine and started renting it out to all his friends. He made a lot of money from it. His friends were stoked.
What are you doing this summer? Searching out more honey pots?
Playing rocks shows, that’s what I’m going to be doing every summer for the rest of my life.
Cool. Ok, last question: what would you rather a penis for a nose or a square shaped wiener? And remember, you can’t put a square peg in a round hole.
I think the square. A penis on your face would just be weird. Ok what would you rather a Peanut Butter and banana sandwich or a Peanut Butter and pickle?
Definitely banana. What would you have picked?
The pickle. Sweet and salty, it’s good.
He clutched my hand for a second and we parted ways. Leaving the pussy emporium, I couldn't help but think how I would miss my little Macbird; and how bummout it is that he has a girlfriend. I tried to give him my number on a piece of paper but, let's be honest, he has probably thrown it away. Maybe we would meet again soon; I'd catch his eye at a festival and we'd talk, avoiding each other's three-day olc breath, sharing dodgy pills, and trying to have a conversation in the middle of a live show. But for now he has a girlfriend, and for everything else, he's got a Honey Pot.