Illustration by Alex Cook
This past weekend, Diddy apparently punched Drake. No one knows why—did Drake say something about Cassie? Did Drake owe Diddy money? Did Drake say the word "bae" too many times?—so here at Noisey, because we ask the deep questions, we decided to investigate just why, oh why, Diddy would punch Drizzy. After thorough reporting, the theories of what happened are below. If you have any tips, please let us know.
Something something Art Basel Miami cocaine (this is actually why the fight happened)
Drake didn’t like Diddy’s fashion sweatpants.
Drake was spelling his name out like Diddy in the “DIDDY” video and enough is enough.
Drake felt some type of way about Diddy’s name coming up first in people’s iTunes Library when they sorted by artist and insisted that he change his name to ZPuff.
Diddy had just lost a large sum of money betting on a sports team that Drake just became a fan of.
Diddy was rolling around in a wheelchair all night and Drake thought it was being done to mock him, not knowing the Diddy actually sprained an ankle earlier that night after slipping on a puddle of champagne.
Drake admitted that he has never actually seen Get Him to The Greek.
Diddy was insulted that Jonah Hill didn’t cover one of his songs at the Vice 20 party and took it out on Drake.
Drake said The Beatles are better than Migos.
After being asked over 12 times for Wayne’s phone number, Drake finally told Diddy that “dude, maybe you should just let this one go.”
I mean, who among you hasn’t wanted to punch Drake in the face at least once?
Drake was upset that Diddy had previously tried to fight J.Cole, and insisted that Diddy do the same to him so that Jermaine couldn’t claim an advantage in anyway.
Diddy said he wanted to change his name again, but this time to “Better Than Drake and The Beatles Combined.” When Drake said he wasn’t okay with this, Diddy swung blindly.
Drake tried to make the club go up, and it wasn’t a Tuesday.
Drake is in talks to make his own show called Draking the Band
Drake asked Diddy to sponsor him for American citizenship, and he kept saying he just wanted to Drake it in America.
This is all an elaborate scheme to set up a Watch the Throne type album with Diddy and Drake now that Wayne is unhappy with Cash Money.
Drake called Diddy out on the White Parties only being about cocaine.
Drake swung first. He was convinced they were in an anime called Drake-on Ball Z.
Drake wouldn’t stop yelling “Epic Dracon!” every time he did literally anything.
Drake kept trying out a new catchphrase that was “O-V-Ayoooo!” and I mean come on.
It was like a Fight Club thing, Drake asked Diddy to punch him.
Drake kept making bad jokes and yelling “bazinga!” at the end of them to indicate that Diddy was supposed to laugh and he’d had enough.
Drake tried to convince Diddy that Harry Potter was real and his name was Drake-o Malfoy.
Drake kept requesting made up flavors of Ciroc to fuck with Diddy, but then he said Amaretto, which is real, and Diddy wouldn’t stand for it anymore.
Diddy kept talking about the spiritual calm he was reaching from the karate lessons he’s been taking, and Drake asked him to prove it. It was all in good fun!
Drake said that PartyNextDoor was there, but Diddy thought Drake wanted to leave his party and go next door.
Drake kept trying to put headphones on Diddy’s ears but it was a playlist of only P.Reign songs.
Diddy was tired of Drake correcting him every time he said that the mayor of Toronto was still Rob Ford.
Diddy only has 24 hours to live and decided he wanted to "smack conceited rappers right off the pedestal"
Diddy wanted to show Drake he was really committed to Drake’s YOLO philosophy.
Drake had a poisonous spider on him, and the only way to avoid a deadly spider bite was to kill it instantly with a punch.
“Fuck owls.” -Diddy