Much like the ketamin cornflakes, you have to promise me that if you read this blog you absolutely, positively, won’t buy any of the products it mentions. People who send tasteless crap into VICE fall into two categories. Type one thinks that we’re the kind of people who’re excited by burlesque, or team-bondage for brokers, or erotic magicians, or rent-a-gimp companies – basically the kind of boring suburban crap that Bizarre Magazine treats like the Roswell landing.

Type two, as I’ve previously explained, do it because they hope we’ll hate it enough to blog about how shit it is. They think you’re so dumb and dead-inside that irony is to you what brand-loyalty was to your gran. They think that if you hate something enough, you’ll actually go and by it. They think you’re masochists.

The company who sent me this crap think you’re masochists. They also think you’re sadistic crypto-racists. They sent us these little sock voodoo dolls which I imagine the press release describe as “twisted”. Each doll represents a different nation who are in the World Cup and the idea is that you torture the dolls and that causes the teams to loose. Great, huh?

Put Argentina’s head in a vice! Yeah, fuck you, you Argie fucks. Fuck Simeone for making us hate David Beckham and fuck you for making Thatcher look bad. I hate you so much I want to kill you in a vice.

I’m going to stab you in the fucking head Holland, you fucking flat-land dwelling pseudo-Nazis (probably).

Yeah! I’m burning the French alive and I feel great! Burn you fucking bastards! Carla Bruni looks old and haggard and you know it.

Yeah, everyone’s always wanted to hang Brazil. Oh no, no we don’t, this is just weird and horrid.