Britain's top Catholic was accused of bad behaviour this weekend, but you were probably too drunk to notice.
BRITAIN'S MOST SENIOR ROMAN CATHOLIC WAS ACCUSED OF INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR
He was also voted Stonewall's "Bigot of the Year" in 2012, so things are going pretty well for him overall
On the same day the Pope gave his final Sunday blessing, Cardinal Keith O'Brien – Britain's most senior Roman Catholic cleric – missed Sunday mass after being accused of inappropriate behaviour.
Those accusations date back 30 years and are all to do with O'Brien making homosexual advances towards priests or ex-priests. The thing is, the claims don't exactly sound that inappropriate – slightly unprofessional, perhaps, but only "inappropriate" through the eyes of a deeply homophobic organisation.
In the past, the cardinal has been an outspoken opponent of gay marriage and generally said a lot of nasty stuff about being gay, leading gay rights charity Stonewall to vote him "Bigot of the Year" in 2012. The sad irony presumably isn't lost on anyone.
Even though God himself apparently told the Pope to quit, O'Brien's case is in Benedict's hands until he finishes his post on the 28th of February.
Pistorius Family Updates
OSCAR PISTORIUS WAS GRANTED BAIL AND HIS BROTHER IS ALSO FACING A MURDER CHARGE
Things must suck in the Pistorius household right now
Photo by Karva Javi
After a four-day hearing, Oscar Pistorius was granted bail (set at £74,000) in the Reeva Steenkamp murder case that it's literally impossible you haven't already heard about.
The next hearing has been set for the 4th of June and, until then, Pistorius has been ordered to hand in his passport, avoid his home in Pretoria and report to a police station between 7AM and 1PM every Monday and Friday.
In other depressing Pistorius family news, it's emerged that the Paralympian's older brother Carl is also facing a homicide charge for allegedly being involved in a fatal collision with a motorcyclist in 2010.
The family haven't yet commented on Carl's case, but Oscar maintains he killed Steenkamp accidentally after mistaking her for an intruder.
THE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT ACCUSED US SPECIAL FORCES OF TORTURE AND MURDER
Because just invading and making yourself at home in a foreign country obviously isn't shitty enough
The Afghan government has ordered all US Special Forces to leave Maidan Wardak, a particularly uneasy province, after local claims that the elite force is behind the disappearance or torture of several Afghan citizens.
"Nine individuals were taken from their homes recently and they have just disappeared and no one knows where they have gone," said Aimal Faizi, spokesman for Afghan President Hamid Karzai.
Security in the region has deteriorated over the past year, and the US forces' crimes are something that have been "an elemental factor" in that, according to Faizi.
A US Department of Defence official said that they are investigating the allegations.
TURNS OUT FBI AGENTS ARE CRAZY, HORNY AND PERVERTED
Leaked disciplinary reports exposed the fact that some of the people protecting America shouldn't be protecting America
Reports marked "not for public dissemination" were emailed to all FBI employees, then leaked and published by CNN for public dissemination.
Those reports included examples of disciplinary actions in an effort "to educate employees about the Bureau's standards of conduct and to aid employees in steering clear of ethical pitfalls".
The issues at hand? An employee paying for a happy ending at a massage parlour, an employee holding a gun to a dog's head, an employee repeatedly using a stolen debit card, an employee getting into a domestic dispute at his mistress' apartment and, most promisingly for the moral integrity of the organisation making sure America is safe, an employee admitting to buying child porn.
But the problem that's garnered the most attention is the laughable amount of sexting going on between workers, who have all been using their Bureau-issued BlackBerries to send naked photos of themselves to other employees.
In one case, an employee emailed a nude photograph of herself to her ex-boyfriend's wife from her work phone, which is as hilarious as it is dumb.
A MAN HAD £5,000 WORTH OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN PORN STOLEN FROM HIS HOUSE
It was apparently "the best collection of African-American porn in Michigan"
Earlie Johnson, a 43-year-old man from Michigan, was victim to the most devastating crime imaginable this weekend: having his collection of rare African-American porn – that he estimates is worth $7,500 (£4,961) – stolen from his home.
Johnson claims his collection contains footage of "every African-American that's ever been in porn, from the 70s up until now" and that, according to "a guy in Connecticut", was "the best collection in Michigan".
However, all is not lost. Johnson said, “I will be getting my porn in Blu-Ray. The haters aren’t gonna stop me from collecting again.”
Mike Kulich, who owns porn distribution company Monarchy Distribution, has also offered to give Johnson one copy of every title in his catalogue, as well as two free passes to the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas next January.