LADY GAGA’S SAXOPHONIST DIED
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Clarence Clemons, the man who played saxophone on Lady Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory”, died on Saturday evening after suffering a stroke last weekend.
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Clemons, 69, could well have been a pro American footballer had injuries sustained in a car crash not extinguished that particular dream at a younger age.
Apparently Clemons also collaborated with some other guys called “the E Street Band” once or twice, but as the musically astute folk over at Fashionbzaar.net point out, “Because of his collaboration with iconic pop legend Lady Gaga he will forever live on as a historical music icon.”
Clemons’ death comes on the same weekend as the passing of some people who lived in Tripoli, someone Peaches Geldof met a few times and a man XX Teens once named a song after.
DAVID CAMERON REALLY NEGGED OUT ABSENTEE FATHERS
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The Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron, interrupted the carefree lives of runaway bachelors everywhere by massively negging them out on Father’s Day.
Thousands of men aged between puberty and death turned their backs on TVs hanging in the cobwebbed corners of sticky-floored provincial cocktail bars, as 24 hour news channels streamed the PM’s comments interminably.
“It’s high time runaway dads were stigmatised, and the full force of shame was heaped upon them,” the men were told, as the barmaid’s conversation stalled and she began to rub awkwardly at glasses with a cloth.
“They should be looked at like drink drivers, people who are beyond the pale.
“They need the message rammed home to them, from every part of our culture, that what they’re doing is wrong – that leaving single mothers, who do a heroic job against all odds, to fend for themselves simply isn’t acceptable.”
It’s not known how many runaway bachelors, miserable divorcees and scorned cuckolds managed to survive what was surely a long, dark, loveless night of the soul this Father’s Day.
JUDGE-BAITING ISRAELI LAWYER-DOG EVADES FATAL STONING
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A lawyer who came back from the dead as a dog is on the run from authorities in Israel after hassling local judges.
The lawyer, who has not been named, found his soul revived in the carcass of a dog, and promptly decided to stage an occupation of the Monetary Affairs court in the ultra-Orthodox Israeli neighbourhood of Mea Shearim.
After their efforts to drive him away failed, one of the resident judges remembered that 20 years ago another judge had put a curse on a secular lawyer which would cause his spirit to live on in the body of a dog – an animal considered impure by Orthodox Jews.
Confronted by the recalcitrant lawyer – or at least the soul of him, somehow welded to the anatomy of a dog – one of the judges ordered that he (the dog) should be stoned to death by local children.
The four-legged lawyer made his escape, though, and at this stage the whereabouts of both he and the dog’s original soul remain unknown.
A MAN WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE GOT ON A SKATEBOARD DID
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Why is everything a trampoline to the fat?
TOM CRUISE REMAINS EITHER OBLIVIOUS TO OR UNAFRAID OF IDIOCY
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This is a promotional image from a new film Tom Cruise is starring in called Rock of Ages.
The film is an adaptation of a Broadway musical of the same name.
In it, Tom Cruise plays someone who likes Bon Jovi, Scorpions and Styx.
MAC HACKETT
Previously: The Hangover News