The top 20 things to do this summer

Every year, at around this time, lists of what to do in the summer are drawn up all over Fleet Street (like this one, this one, a couple of them here and here, this puppy, this bad boy and this doozy.)  Unlike bears, who come out of hibernation and do some shit in the spring, our broadsheet pals settle in for a snooze, safe in the knowledge that last year’s summer list can be safely recycled and distributed in the form of six heavy supplements, one of which will include some advice on “green” summer activities. None of these activities will include foregoing the purchase of bulky newspapers. The Times actually put out a list called 45 things to do in France this Summer, whose mighty bourgeois satisfaction puts this list to shame…

20. Re-enact Altamont in your back-garden.

Everyone goes on about Woodstock but Altamont is just pure summer. You can hire Hell’s Angels here, find out about getting some ambulances here, and look for a suitable lawyer to quash the murder charges that will be brought against you here.

19. Go clubbing with your kids.

There’s a wi-fi hub for grumpy Dads! It’s like the Ministry of Sound meets Starbucks! I’ll have a grande Danny Tenaglia to go please mate!

18. The Big Chill.

Like festivals? Like beanbags? Dislike the anyone without a Bosch fridge? Roll up, roll up…

17. Contemplate your mortality.

The sun is going down. You head to a deserted beach on the edge of a pine forest. You sit on a sand dune and look out at the ocean. The headphones of your iPod slip easily in; it’s your favourite playlist. “It’s better to burn out/ Than to fade away”. Amen brother.

16. Hang out on the stoop.

Pick up some forties, get your boys around and just keep it baggy.

15. Go to an African country.

Any will do, just so long as it’s one of the real ones (i.e. not South Africa or anywhere north of the Sahara) where the currency means nothing and there’s a five star resort to protect you from all the vibrant life going on around you.

14. (Re)cycle!

13. Watch the video to Summertime over and over again.

You may be riddled with hay fever and too poor to go on holiday, but Will Smith just loves summer.

12. Do stand-up at the Edinburgh festival.

I mean, come on, making someone laugh, how hard can it be?

11. Go here

Because you don’t need Disneyland Paris to bond with your children/parents

10. Cheese eating tour of North-west France.

Hit up Christopher Biggins for a ride and get ready for a taste sensation.

9. Wine tour of the Loire valley.

As above, but with wine. Remember, not only do the locals just love it when you try and speak the language, they like it when you introduce them to the cultural eccentricities of your part of the world – vomiting, spitting, and the booze-luge (see above).

8. Go to Butlins.

Ironic working class holidays are big news this summer.

7. Construct a life-sized model of Fidel Castro/ Margaret Thatcher.

Two big-time leaders who may make the trip to the tall tall grass this summer and two easily makes a trend… Consult your political leanings and then act accordingly.

6. Get a summer girlfriend

Man, do you remember that Italian exchange student I went out with that one summer, I couldn’t understand a fucking word that girl said but hey, we went swimming and got ice cream and it was just great. I can still smell her every time I sniff my tears.

5. Glastonbury.

Cause it’s not always like this.

4. Camping in the Scottish wilderness.

I can see you now, a hessian sack on your back, a mite ridden kilt protecting your proud manhood… You are Rob Roy. You are Ivanhoe. You are the guy from What Women Want.

3. High-end trip to the Arctic.

Hate the sun? Dislike the environment? Then head to the snow my friend. Is that a Polar bear? Probably not.

2. Lose 100 pounds.

Look tubby, it’s not winter anymore. Heavy fuel may be needed in heavy weather, but the weather ain’t heavy now, it’s light. There’s no big coat to hide you when you’re playing Frisbee in a field, so you better skinny-up.

1. Swim.

The cool water washes over you, carp nibble your knees and God looks down on it all, smiling his most charismatic smile. Oh look, it’s Michael Phelps. Make a joke about giving him swimming lessons. Yes, that’s right Michael, what a hilarious role reversal, I mean, the very idea of it… Absurd!