Chris Nieratko

A GIRL WHO GOT HER FACE FUCKED UP REALLY BADLY BY A DOG

Photo by Seth Bedell

Vice: You used to be a model?

Sarah Bedell:

Baywatch

Playboy

So what is your story with the dog attack?

What was the state of your face at that point?

How long did the actual attack take?

How many surgeries have you had since?

Are you over dogs as a result?

Photo by Chris Nieratko

A LADY WHO ELECTRIFIES HER VAGINA

Vice: Didn’t you tell me you electrify your pussy?

Lorelei Lee:

What are you hooked up to? A car battery?

Do you use those toothy, heavy-duty clamps? Like jumper cables?

Has your vagina gotten tougher as a result? Are you able to withstand higher and higher voltage?

What would happen if I pissed on your vagina as it was getting electrocuted?

My friend Dave saw somebody get electrocuted and die at work. Have you?

OK.

Where were they stuck?

I could not do that. You’re a better woman than I am a man.

A GUY WHO SAW ANOTHER GUY GET ELECTROCUTED TO DEATH

Drawing by Chris Nieratko

Vice: Didn’t you see some guy at work get electrocuted and die?

Dave Hatalla:

What did it look like? Like in the movies?

Wasn’t there an old guy recently up in Jersey that you saw die?

Have you ever been electrocuted?

I think you said it was like a week before he was getting married or some shit.

Drawing by Chris Nieratko

A GUY WHO ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY CHOKED A GIRL

WITH HIS PIERCED DICK

Vice: So what’s your story, Patrick?

Patrick Melcher:

OK, let’s hear part one.

I hope part two ramps it up.

Good one. Now make part three even worse.

That’s a great story, Patrick.

I feel bad for your penis.

Photo by Chris Nieratko

MY FRIEND DEVON, WHO IS MISSING A PINKIE

Vice: So what happened?

Devon:

Were you on drugs?

Did your finger get ripped clean off or was it dangling?

So you didn’t have to wander around looking for your torn-off fingers?

Do you get phantom-pinkie feelings?

Photo by Chris Nieratko

THE GUY WHO MAKES MY BURRITOS

Vice: How is it that the best burritos in America are in New Brunswick, New Jersey?

Caesar of Tijuana Burrito:

Do you know what burrito I’ve been getting from you for the past year and a half?

Does it piss you off that that’s the only thing I ever get?

Like what?

What’s your favorite?

That’s what I’m going to try next time then.

Photo by Chris Nieratko

THIS GUY I KNOW WHO ONLY HAS NINE TOES

Vice: So you only have nine toes, huh?

Joe:

That’s cool.

Photos by (surprise) Chris Nieratko.

JERRY HSU (AGAIN)

Vice: Jerry, I’m eating a salad. Is it OK if I eat while we talk?

Jerry Hsu:

Why? Do you not want to talk to me?

We are recording. Do you feel interviewed?

What if I said I turned the recorder off?

This moment is so real. Let me ask you, when did you realize you were Jerry Hsu?

But I’m not talking about Jerry Hsu the Asian. Or Jerry Hsu the skateboarder. I’m talking about the Jerry Hsu that Vice has made you into: an art celebrity without peer.

Are there days when Vice being so on your dick is so overwhelming that you just have to say, “Guys, love me a little less today.”

What are some of the traits that you like about Vice that keeps you keeping them around?

Vice

What are some of the personality traits that you don’t like about Vice?

Vice

Aren’t you mentioned in every issue?

Are you aware that Vice credits you with the cardigan?

Vice

They also say you invented the camera.

They went so far as to burn any book that has mention of an Asian prior to you.

You are the first Asian.

Never heard of it. Is that a sex maneuver?

Actually you would know. Don’t you have a sister who is a porn star named Jade Hsu?

Were her feet bound?

Anyone in your family responsible for Pearl Harbor?

Touché.

Who loves you more? Patrick O’Dell or me?

Ouch. That leads me to believe you’re leaning toward Patrick.

In this issue I have interviewed people who have had their faces ripped off by dogs, lost fingers and toes, watched people die, and electrified their vaginas. So, what have you got?

What percentage do you use?

Do you ever go over 20 percent?

Did you leave him an autograph?

Did you send him back for breadsticks?

And salad?

What is the Tour of Italy?

I have. And I know that I really enjoy their breadsticks and salad.

Sometimes I get an entire bowl of salad and I just dump it on the floor because I know they’ll bring more.

That wasn’t a question.

Where else does the Jerry Hsu that we read about in Vice magazine like to eat?

So very urban.

Are you Chinese?

I thought you were Filipino.

What are you doing right now? What are you wearing?

You’re doing nothing or you’re wearing nothing?

What do you think all the Vice kids are wearing right now?

I was gonna say top hats.

Steve Martin and Steve Martin. Photo courtesy of Steve Martin.

STEVE MARTIN

Vice: Are you the Steve Martin that used to be funny in the 70s in movies like The Jerk?

Steve Martin:

Does that make you feel disappointed in who you really are?

Which Steve Martin are you?

What happened to the other guy?

Weren’t you at a party where you got introduced to the other Steve Martin?

Saturday Night Live

Wasn’t the other Steve Martin a total dick?

Can I go that far and call him a dick?

Fantasy Island

Have you ever worn one of those wild and crazy comedic fake arrows on your head for Halloween

Have you ever made any crappy movies with Queen Latifah?

Well, that’s something I suppose.