Quango - Come to Daddy

In 2010, researchers at the Cruft Engineering and Applied Sciences laboratory at Harvard decided to test whether you could guess someone's political beliefs just by looking at their face. They collected a lot of photos of registered voters, randomised them for age, sex, race and so on, then asked some people whether they thought each was a Republican or a Democrat. Turns out you can tell which way someone's gonna vote just by looking at their face. Political phrenology is an actual thing. In 55 to 60 percent of cases, subjects got the right answer. But what were they picking up on? After a further investigation, the team figured out that Republicans tend to project 'power' in their facial posture. Whereas Democrats habitually project more 'warmth'. The study offers a neat illustration of how the central left-right fault line exists way before you get to the level of reasoned argument. At its basest level, politics is a Freudian smackdown between two competing world-views that we should all already recognise from childhood. That of 'mummy': nurturing, offering safety nets, a culture of breeding fairness. And that of 'daddy': protecting, offering to conserve, a culture of breeding self-reliance. And historically, it's long been observed that when things get choppy, it isn't to mummy's petticoats that us voter-children instinctively run. We want protection, we want a firm hand, so we dial 1-800-DADDY. So it has proved again today. All over Europe, in Portugal, in Spain, in Britain, the present crisis has meant left-wing governments being skittled and replaced by regimes that spend their time gleefully telling the general public how much pain they're about to inflict upon them. The present tendency towards political S&M was given a graphic outing in the gloomy New Year's messages of Europe's leaders. Angela Merkel comprehensively talked 2012 down. But David Cameron talked it downer than down: kill your children to save them from starvation, buy gold, tins and guns, we're headed for Shitsville on the Jesusfuckingchrist Express, was the general gist. Yet it's a message that seems to be working for him. His poll numbers have never been better. In the autumn, his Chancellor told us that there would now be two more years of government contraction even after the next election – that in essence the Tories would be running in 2015 on the slogan 'Vote For Us And We'll Slash Your Pension A Little More' – yet the party has seldom seemed in better shape. Conversely, a weakened Ed Miliband spent most of 2011 trotting out his favourite sound bite: “It's hurting but it's not working.” Economically he may have a point, but politically Cameron can safely say: “No no no, Ed… For me at least, it's working because it's hurting.” The public simply refuse to believe that this much pain can equal no gain, so the more they are forced to sacrifice, the more they get a twinge of Stockholm Syndrome, and the more they buy into the idea that they are investing for a better world that's always just around the corner. Watching Cameron's speech, it seemed that his strategy wonks had fully absorbed this nugget of psychology. Far from the early days of hugging huskies and going to the North Pole on a hoodie-drawn sled, Cameron's now making a virtue of telling everyone exactly what they don't want to hear. Look into Daddy's eyes, he says. You've fucked up. Your profligate desire for healthcare, social grants and pensions has damned you. You're grounded forever, but I want you to know that, with enough bitter medicine, we're going to tidy up all of this mess, you and me. Strong forearms are going to wrap themselves around you and hold you back until you're ready to use your freedom more wisely. Daddy is here. Daddy is going to make it all better. Come to Daddy.

Illustration by Joss Frank

Previously: The Quango Awards 2011