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Jamie Taete's Internet Landfill

Hey dad, you know what's going to be more traumatic for your kids than hearing a baseball coach call you a homophobic name?

HOMOPHOBIC RANT SPAWNS WORLD'S MOST AWKWARD PRESS CONFERENCE

Hey dad, you know what's going to be more traumatic for your kids than hearing a baseball coach call you a homophobic name? Forcing them to grow up as the kids of that guy who jerked off a baseball bat (TWICE!) to create the longest 20 seconds of internet ever.

THE ROCK KNEW BIN LADEN WAS DEAD BEFORE PRETTY MUCH ANYONE ELSE

Dwayne "The 'Dwayne Johnson' Rock" Johnson tweeted this 45 minutes before anyone else knew that Bin Laden had been killed. There is nothing in the world that I would like to know more than how that happened.

Annons

PEPSI LAUNCHES THE "NEXT GENERATION" OF SOMETHING CALLED "INTERACTIVE VEND TECHNOLOGY"

You love PepsiCo products, right? And social networking? You must be DESPERATE to combine those two things then, surely?

"Using digital technology, PepsiCo's Social Vending System enables any user to gift a friend by selecting a beverage and entering the recipient's name, mobile number and a personalized text message*. There's also the option to further personalize the gift with a short video recorded right at the machine. The gift is delivered with a system code and instructions to redeem it at any PepsiCo Social Vending system. When the recipient redeems their gift, they're given the option of either thanking the original sender with a gift of their own or paying it forward and gifting a beverage to another friend.

"'Our vision is to use innovative technology to empower consumers and create new ways for them to engage with our brands, their social networks and each other at the point of purchase,' said Mikel Durham, Chief Innovation Officer at PepsiCo Foodservice. 'Social Vending extends our consumers' social networks beyond the confines of their own devices and transforms a static, transaction-oriented experience into something fun and exciting they'll want to return to, again and again.'"

What's that you say empowered consumer? You really like the idea of giving money to PepsiCo and getting nothing in return, but giving a Pepsi to a friend just isn't shitty and pointless enough? This machine has you covered!

"Social Vending also enables 'Random Acts of Refreshment' – the ability to buy a drink for a complete stranger through any other Social Vending system. For example, a consumer could send a symbol of encouragement to a city that's experienced some challenging weather, or a congratulatory beverage to a university that just won a championship. The platform holds potential to extend all PepsiCo's digital and social programs, including Doritos "Crash the Super Bowl" Takeover™, Pepsi Refresh Project® and DEWmocracy, beyond consumers' own devices all the way to the point of purchase."

Yup. You read that right. A fucking "random act of refreshment". Can you imagine the meeting where they came up with that idea? It's one step below "How about we ask consumers to give 10% of their monthly wage directly to Pepsi?"

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE