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The Most Embarrassing Thing I've Ever Had to Tell My Parents

"At age seven, I ran home crying and told my mother I was pregnant."
31.5.16
Image by Lia Kantrowitz

Image by Lia Kantrowitz

Kids are weird little people. They operate outside the adult constraints of logic and rationality, and they do strange and embarrassing things when they think no one is looking.

Things take a turn for the worse once puberty happens and sex gets thrown into the mix. Small children might secretly leave out graham crackers for the gremlins living under their beds or shit in the pool when the lifeguard turns her back, but adolescents take it to new levels of weirdness. What self-respecting teen didn't sneak out of the house to bang in the neighbor's pool, casually jerk off while driving mom's car or spend hours browsing sexually confusing Dragon Tales porn on the family computer? Being young and dumb is a great excuse to do sketchy things, but occasionally you get caught in the act of something truly shameful, and you have to tell your parents what you've done. Below are some of the most embarrassing moments from people who did some weird shit and had to cop to it once mom and/or dad found out.

Annons

Cat Piss

As a child I always slept naked, and one night I was too lazy to put on clothes to go pee. I had a small bowl in my room, so I decided to squat, aim, and pee into it and dump it in the morning. Well, I missed. A lot. Because squatting and pissing into a bowl is fucking hard. I grabbed a towel and soaked up the pee that got on the floor, and then threw it in the laundry. The next day, my mom went to wash some clothes and was mad as hell when she found the urine-soaked towel. She came up raging that "the cat peed on the laundry again," and that was the final straw. She kicked the cat out of the house and made it live outdoors from that moment on.

I let the cat take the blame because I just couldn't admit to my mother that she'd raised a child that pisses in bowls at night instead of going to the bathroom like a normal person. My failure to confess my sins came back to haunt me in the worst way when, a few days later, my mom ran over the cat with her car. I admitted this to her years later as an adult and she just shook her head at me.

I peed in a bowl and it killed my fucking cat. Goddamnit.

Foursome Gone Wrong

In high school, my best friend Rosie and I were were dating another pair of best friends, and the four of us hung out all the time. One day during the summer, Rosie's parents were out so we decided to invite the boys over. We were kind of sex-crazed at this point in our lives and we decided we wanted to get a little wild so we stocked up on chocolate and strawberries. (In retrospect: not so wild!) When the boys got there, we had them watch us while we writhed on the bed covered in chocolate syrup. We ate strawberries off one another. We thought this was very sexy, and our teenage boyfriends were really, really into it. Things were just starting to edge towards foursome territory when we heard Rosie's mom come in the front door. The boys escaped in a flash out the bathroom window, but there was no hiding the bedsheets covered in chocolate syrup and strawberry tops. Her mom came upstairs, saw the mess we'd made, and asked why on earth her bed was covered in food. Instead of coming up with something innocuous, Rosie blurted out that we'd been experimenting with each other.

Rosie's mom was livid, and drove me straight home, still covered in chocolate. She made me tell my mother exactly what Rosie had told her. My mom thought it was hilarious and I wasn't in trouble, but to this day everyone in Rosie's family is convinced we used to date.

Annons

I was mortified when I realized, a few years later, what she'd thought I'd done.

Pregnant at Age Seven

I was about seven-years-old, and at a neighbor's house when I became convinced I was pregnant. At home, I didn't eat much junk food, but it was snack food heaven over there, and I'd gorged myself full of chips and cookies to the point where my stomach was hurting and so bloated I just knew I was going to have a baby at the tender age of seven.

I ran home crying and told my mother I was pregnant. I can still remember her face going white as she asked me "Have you been having sex?!" I didn't know what sex was, and said as much. She let out a huge sigh of relief, and asked me whether I'd been eating junk food at the neighbor's again. I was mortified when I realized, a few years later, what she'd thought I'd done, but in the moment I was just happy that I wasn't going to be giving birth any time soon.

Piss Tank

In high school, as part of an inside joke gone wrong, my friends and I always used to threaten to pee in each other's gas tanks. "Try that again and I'll pee in your gas tank!" "Say one more thing about my girlfriend and I'll piss in your tank!"

One night I dropped off my friend Mitch at his house, and I realized he'd stolen a candy bar from the cup holder of my car. As I drove away, I yelled at Mitch that I was definitely going to take a piss in his gas tank. He gave me a dismissive laugh and walked inside. So I pulled over, walked back to his house, and made good on the threat.

Annons

Two days later Mitch came up to me: "Dude, my car has been acting up, did you really pee in my gas tank?" I said I had, but only a little bit. That night while I was playing video games, the house phone rang.

I knew. I just knew I was about to get into some shit! And about 10 minutes later, my dad came into my room. I had to confess to him that, yes, I urinated in a friend's gas tank, and no, I didn't have the money to pay for the car repair. I was angry at my friend, in trouble with my parents, and way too embarrassed to speak with any of my friend's parents. I didn't really know what to do. Mitch took the car to the mechanic the next day. It was a spark plug issue.

What the Pluck?

When I first started to get pubes, I freaked out. I don't know why, but the sight of those dark black hairs sprouting up from what was once smooth skin really disturbed me, and so I started to use my mom's fancy tweezers and pluck them out one by one whenever I saw them grow in. At first this was fine because I'd get one or two hairs a week and pull 'em out no problem. But it started getting harder and harder to keep up with. My family and I went on tweezer-less vacation for two weeks that summer and by the time I got back I had the makings of a healthy bush.

Back home, I holed up in the bathroom with my mom's fancy tweezers, determined to furiously pluck my overgrown lawn. It hurt pretty badly, but I had decided when the pubes first started coming in that I'd never shave, too badly scared by the old "it'll grow back thicker" adage. I was in there for about 10 minutes when my mom knocked on the door. We only had one bathroom, and she needed to go. I started to clean up but realized there was hair everywhere. I got down on my hands and knees and was picking up individual hairs and throwing them in the trash. After about three minutes of my mom's banging on the door, I admitted to myself I wasn't going to be able to clean up the mess. I opened the door.

My mom stepped inside and looked at the ground and at her tweezers on the sink and flipped out. The commotion caused my dad to come in, and he quickly shuffled away to the bedroom once he realized what was going on. I then had to tell my mom that I'd used her nice tweezers to pluck my pubes out, and that I'd been doing it for about six months without her knowledge. She just started laughing hysterically, shooed me out so she could pee, and then made me get the broom and sweep it up.

She's told this story to every boyfriend I've ever had.