This article originally appeared on VICE Australia.
The big film festivals are mercifully over so we can go back to our big budget Hollywood garbage like the happy plebes we are. This week’s roundup has something for everyone, space romance, Netflix sex, and Owen Wilson.
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Gold
Ever since he won that goddamn Oscar, Matthew McConaughey is always ACTING so hard in his movies. I mean, every single movement and look and wig is like so fucking over the top. Chill out buddy, you made it. People take you seriously. You’ll never have to do another trash b-list romcom again. No more Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. This movie looks a lot like that Leo DiCaprio quaaludes movie but with gold instead of whatever they were selling. Penny stocks?
Passengers
OK I’m gonna be honest with you: if I was just unexpectedly woken up 10 years into a 100 year cryo-sleep hurtling through space likely on my way to an early death I would probably not want to then fuck Chris Pratt. I’d probably just get drunk at the space bar until I gathered up the courage to throw myself out of the ship and chill out in a black hole until I died. But that’s just me, you know—this movie looks fine. Jennifer Lawrence is just a parody of herself at this point. She trips a lot, she’s so normal! K, whatever she’s a bratty millionaire.
Easy
Hmm I’m getting major New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day vibes from this. You know those movies centred around a dumb holiday no one cares about but they cram so many famous people into them that you feel obligated to watch because whoa, it’s got Julia Roberts! But I’ll forgive Netflix its desire to frontload the talent so you’ll watch what appears to be a saccharine look at love, life, and sex. I mean, I’ll watch. In fact, Easy started streaming yesterday so fuck it, I’ll probably binge watch all of it this weekend.
Nocturnal Animals
We finally have a trailer for Tom Ford’s second feature film, Nocturnal Animals. The TIFF reviews were solid and his latest foray into movies looks every bit as moody, stylized and electric as his first one. Amy Adams is a reclusive insomniac who receives her ex-husband’s novel in the mail. His fiction gets lost up in her reality and Michael Shannon is a sheriff. What’s not to love?
Bastards
LOL. Into every trailer roundup a little garbage must fall. Why are studio execs so obsessed with goofy brothers? Also in what universe do Owen Wilson and Ed Helms have the same genetic makeup? Anyway, two adult men feel like they’ve been robbed of a father because their mom lied to them and isn’t she a slut and here’s a road trip movie about the hunt for their real dad. I feel like the trailer pretty much shows you the entire movie except for the dad reveal and I’m gonna throw it out there right now, they realize that they don’t need to know who their dad is because their mom is enough parent after all.
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