See? Being in your twenties is hella fun.

Cracked.com – the compendium of list-based articles that proves literally anything is publishable online as long as it's laid out as a countdown – recently ran a piece entitled "5 Reasons You Don't Miss Your 20s When They're Over", by a man who may or may not exist named "John Cheese".

I realise that there must be a couple of benefits that come with exiting your twenties and hurtling ever faster towards death, but I'm in my twenties and I'm in no rush to find out what they are. It's a bind, but I guess the Friday nights spent at home, wallowing in self-pity and The Killing box-sets, while everyone younger than me is out, partying, fucking, smiling and having the best time of their lives, will have to wait for now.

So, I'm calling bullshit on you, your article and everything you stand for, John Cheese – and in true Cracked style, I'm gonna do that by writing a list about a list.

Basic premise: All new music suddenly sounds shit, all new fashion trends suddenly look dumb.

Choice quote: "There is no maintaining the illusion that you're young and cool. I've got to say, it feels good to finally let go of it. But damn the actual act of letting go is hard."

Is it really that hard, though? John paints an image of twenty-somethings being mercilessly exiled from the realms of cool by people who still have school uniforms and a set bed time, but why would any self-respecting adult care about what children thought of them? It's your teenage years where the Heathers of this world get to sneer at your shoes and make you feel like burying your head under a mountain of lead blocks. Not your twenties.

Your twenties are when you realise that all the playground rules dictating what was cool were complete bullshit and, unless your adolescent insecurities have spilled over into real life, you forget about actively trying to be cool and just enjoy yourself in the disorientating smog of drugs and alcohol you now have the money to buy and the freedom to use.

Basic premise: Society stops caring about you as soon as you leave compulsory education. Any residual feelings of happiness or self-worth from your school days will be extinguished by people who are older than you.

Choice quotes: "I guess that's when you know you've gotten past it: the embarrassment. Just remembering how at that age you were positive that you had everything locked down and figured out. You figured you were educated and smart and awesome and there wasn't much left to learn. I wouldn't live through that again if I were forced at gunpoint by time-travelling Time Rapists."

This one is essentially a hugely convoluted attack on how you're optimistic in your twenties and haven't yet realised that the first ten years of your career are going to grind you into the same tortured, bitter Scrooge that is every middle-aged office worker who hates their life and everyone around them. I don't think I have to explain why being excited about your life is better (and probably more conducive to getting anywhere with your time on this planet) than being resigned to a depressing lifetime of clocking in and once-a-year birthday blowjobs.

Basic premise: It's impossible to find love when everyone in their twenties is in a state of flux.

Choice quotes: "This is the time of your life when you're most desperate to meet a girl or a guy, and it's the absolute worse time to actually do it."

Some more choice quotes that apparently sum up dating in your twenties include: "You end up latching on to whatever short-term relationship you can get your hands on, just to fight the loneliness," and: "The chick you met by doing jello shots out of her cleavage probably isn't going to be the long-term romantic connection you've been searching for."

Are you fucking kidding me? Your twenties – the early to mid ones, at least – are your one chance in life to capitalise on everything you've learned from American college movies, porn and the years of awkward sexual fumbling that preceded them, not a decade to spend fretting over a "long-term romantic connection" (a phrase guaranteed to make 99 percent of readers throw up in their mouths). The fact that everyone in their twenties is, as John states, "trying on personalities like outfits in an 80s movie dressing room montage" is exactly what makes getting laid in your twenties so easy. (Plus, it comes with the added bonus of letting you forget about yourself and your own hang-ups just enough to fuck like a sociopath – i.e. well.)

It makes sense – you've hopefully had just enough of those stunted encounters to work out how to effectively get your P into a V by now, or vice-versa. And your inevitable loveless marriage is way off in the future, rubbing its sweaty palms together and gleefully waiting to show you that true companionship means regularly hearing one another take a dump. Your twenties are the perfect time to teach your mouths and sex parts the lay of the land, not to get lost in some neurotic, premature quest for "The One".

Basic premise: Life sucks in your twenties because you have to work, study and maintain relationships with other people.

Choice quotes: "When you're 20 or 21, the sudden change in life's difficulty curve is an absolute shock. The amount of free time in your life is slashed down to nothing, all at once, and the number of responsibilities suddenly explode. Your body needs sleep more than any time of your life other than infancy, and you're not allowed to get it."

That workload gets a hell of a lot more real when you have children to support, a mortgage to pay and a prostitute habit to hide from your depressed spouse. Your twenties are the years where you can get by in some bullshit profession, like drug dealing or freelance graphic design, just as long as you have enough cash to pay rent and buy yourself food. I get that steps have to be taken towards a career at some point (when you realise that living out your days like The Dude is a very sad existence) but I hope no one's actually expecting a four bedroom house in Surrey with two cars in the drive by the time they're 23. What a distressing way to live your life.

Also, here John seems to focus entirely on balancing a part-time job with academic work. Even if you took two extra gap years to refind that piece of your soul you left on a beach in Ko Samui, you're still going to finish university at 24, at the absolute latest. That's only 40 percent of your twenties, you've still got the other 60 to enjoy never having to sit an exam ever again. Plus, since when has anyone actually got that tormented over balancing work and university? It sucks for a little bit, then it's over – stop crying about it.

Basic premise: If you have friends who are a few years younger than you, people will think you're weird. If you talk to people who are older than you, they will patronise you.

Choice quotes: "Try walking onto a car dealership at 20. The salesman won't come out and try to talk you into a car. He'll look at you like you're about to vandalise something. In that setting, you might as well be 13. At a party with teenagers, you might as well be 30."

Uncertain? No, you're really, really not. As soon as you lose interest in your birthday, you're an adult.

The ony things I can take from the original Cracked piece are that John Cheese really doesn't enjoy having fun, or is just determined to fool himself into believing that his own twenties weren't any fun. "You know, growing up and having babies is its own, totally new, special, magical kind of fun," I hear him cry through a sad mirage of dirty nappies and fake laughter at Home Counties lunch parties. And yeah, I'm sure those things are life-affirming and all that stuff, but fun, really? As fun as all the moments from your twenties that you incessantly reminisce over while your debt worries, crumbling physical health and regret for what could have been keep you awake every night? I doubt it.

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @jamie_clifton

More stuff about getting older:

The VICE Guide to Adulthood

Girl News – Girls and Growing Up