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Girl Eats Food - Rainbow Cake

No one should have to go through a seizure on an empty stomach.

So now that you’ve all pooped your guts out using some au naturel detox witchcraft, you can get back to eating real food, otherwise known as treating your mouth like a dumpster for calories and additives. There’s no better way of celebrating the death of your New Year's resolutions than with a recipe that’s 80 percent comprised of stuff clowns wear on their face. That's right – above stem cell research and lava lamps, entirely chemical-based food colourings really are one of the greatest developments in science, bringing joy to people regardless of their age, race or Ritalin prescription. Rainbow Cake Though it’s constructed in the same way as a basic marble cake, it's, er, not. Just scroll down to the bottom of the page real quick and look at the fucking thing. If you made it back here without having a seizure, let's get on with making something that a stoned supermarket trolley attendant could knock out in his or her sleep and that'll be as much fun to look at as the spacey Windows screensavers you used to stare at with your pals back in yoo-ni. After all, the human race decided long ago that ingesting things with no expiry date is totally safe!



2 ¾ cups of sifted cake flour
4 teaspoons of baking powder
¾ teaspoon of salt
4 egg whites
1 ½ cups of white sugar
¾ cup of butter
½  cup of milk
½ cup of Sprite
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
food colouring GELS, ordinary colouring won’t do shit

Step 1.

Cream your sugar and your butter together in a bowl, and then make all the dry ingredients rain down on top of them through your trusty gak sieve.

Step 2.

Glug in the milk, then the Sprite and then mix it all up. The fizzy pop is there to keep the cake fluffy, so that the colours don’t collapse into each other and the final product looks like more than just your everyday pile of Skittles vomit.

Step 3.

Whisk the egg whites until stiff. There’s no yolks at all in this recipe because you don’t want your beautiful pale cake mix tainted with any yellow trash.

Step 4.

Chuck the other half into the beaten egg whites and slowly flop it together until it's mixed. Again, you want to keep as much air in there as you can, so don’t be too heavy-handed, treat it like a lady not a low-rent hooker.

Step 5.

Split the mix into however many bowls you want dependent on how buckwild you’re going to get with the rainbow theme.

Step 6.

Squidge in a butt-load of food colouring gels, more than looks necessary and stir it up. I’m not sure what colour I was going for in the top right… aubergine? Grey matter? Basically they should end up looking as bright as poster paints, except no one's going to send you to the school counsellor for eating them! Welcome to adulthood.


Step 7.

Now, you can get as experimental as you want with the plopping process, but don’t you dare start fiddling and stirring that shit once it’s dribbled into the cake pan. If cooking (or fucking around in a kitchen on a hangover) really is art, then we want things to turn out more Rothko than Pollock (though obviously without the bleeding to death in the sink part). Bake at 180c for half an hour.

Step 8.

Once cooked, leave to cool. It’ll look really brown and shitty on the outside, but that’s what makes the great cake slice reveal so pant-wettingly exciting.

Step 9.

Not that it's time to do that just yet. Smother your whole cake in a plain Jane frosting. It'll amp up the anticipation. I used a jar of two-year old Fluff.

And there you have it, a kids party in a dessert. Who needs anti-depressants when you can have a cake made out of chemically modified rainbows?



Previously: Girl Eats Food - The Detox Coconut Colon Cleanser

Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.