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A Week In Hollywood

IN CINEMAS: JUST GO WITH IT
Can you imagine anyone worse to be stuck in a lift with than Adam Sandler? Farts and beerbong breath reek and him star-jumping up and down screaming like a chimp at his own reflections in the mirror. I'm not sure what Jennifer Aniston has done to deserve this, but in Just Go With It Hollywood has deigned to fuck her over yet again by trapping her not in a bust elevator but a sham marriage with the star of Grown Ups, Punch Drunk Love and Click, the most accidentally depressing movie of all time. The trailer for this has two slow-motion cleavage shots, a joke about Twitter, Billy Gilmore falling off a rope bridge and suggests that, like all Sandler movies, the plotline can be boiled down to "idiot prospers". We've used that line before, but Sandler's got a formula too, and only one of them's gonna make a stupid rich man even richer.

Annons

ROBIN MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN THE NEXT BATMAN FILM
When the internet's not watching porn or trying to decide if gifs or jpgs are best, it's usually talking about the next Batman film. This week, some low-level Michigan council employee "let slip" that they're DEFINITELY going to put Robin in the next one. Hear that clunking noise? It's the sound of ten million pink pounds falling into line.

IN CINEMAS: GNOMEO AND JULIET
It's easy to be cynical about Gnomeo and Juliet because it's almost certainly going to be a massive pile of wank, but stop for a second and imagine that this wasn't an adaptation of a Shakespearean classic, but rather an original story invented purely for this movie. Would the Bard's genius be recognised if his past credits already included Shrek 2 and he'd elected to tell the greatest love story of all time exclusively through the allegorical device of gnomes? That'd be as dumb as remaking A Midsummer Night's Dream, but randomly deciding to give one of the romantic leads the head of a donkey.

SOMEONE MADE HOT TUB TIME MACHINE AGAIN
That age-old combination of coked-up fat guys and white people ironically singing along to NWA returns to the big screen in Take Me Home Tonight, a film that was shot four years ago but not considered ready for release until now. Frankly, we can only speculate on the reasons for the delay. Either it's fucking dire, or it's so mind-blowingly amazing that a pre-2011 audience would only have been able to respond to the hilarity of Dan Fogler yet again playing someone's fat best friend in the same way a pre-1911 audience would respond to being in a car that was travelling above 20mph.

IN CINEMAS: YOGI BEAR
Civil war. Popular coups. CFC cans. If the world needs anything right now it's a live-action Yogi Bear movie, but the producers of Yogi Bear seem about as aware of that as they are capable of coming up with imaginative names for their films. Yogi and Boo are impersonated by Dan Ackroyd and Justin Timberlake respectively, but they barely even feature in the plot. Instead, we get JD's brother from Scrubs and Scary Movie "starlet" Anna Faris trying in vain to hold an eyeline with their CGI bear cohorts while fighting to stop some evil government types from blowing up a nature park for no reason other than they can.