
Vice: Hi, just waiting to get a drink here.
Drunk guy: Aeeeehsssmeeersshsh, you wannnaaa take it easshy there pal.
Vice: Err, okay. Scampi fries and a pint of Magners please.
Drunk guy: Ashhhhmmeeerrr are yeeesh fuckingggsh happy now pal?
Vice: Yes thanks, I’m happy I got my crisps. Been pretty hungry all day.
Drunk guy: Whyeeeeee deeeyeerrrssh think I give a shiiittte?The best thing about the bar is the informal music society led by a great and noble old guy called DD. He was my favourite person I met on the island the whole time we were there. He sits there and plays his accordion all afternoon long. He pauses only to sip at his whiskey (an act he describes as “kissing the pig”) and laugh out loud. He told me he didn’t own any recorded music as there was no point when he can make his own music anytime he wants. Later on, a rock band called The Lack Pack played and they did some Pink Floyd and AC/DC covers. The band’s based around “the only rocker on the island” lead guitarist Stephen. (See Music Interviews and Fashion for more on this kid). We ended the trip with whisky at The Airfield Cafeteria. At the end of your stay on the island there’s still a chance for a quick one before you board the Twin Otter for the flight back to so-called civilisation. They sell snacks, tea, coffee and of course whisky. Be careful though: there’s an uptight security guy who won’t let you on the plane if you are too wasted. Getting bumped off the plane and arrested would be very bad because everybody on the island would know about it in two seconds and the whispering campaign would be unbearable. That’s the other great thing about this place, the natural sense of law and order. We asked the headmaster of the island’s school David Bowman why there was so little crime if there was so much boozing and he said: “Well if you were found to be a criminal, everybody would know about it immediately and the shame you’d feel would make you want to leave the island forever and never come back.”NEIL THOMSON & ANDY CAPPER