SPOILER: It includes kidney loans, the criminalisation of pork and a return to the Dark Ages.
Sitting here in our handcart on the road to hell with all the other residents of Broken Britain, it's nice to think of an alternative path for our country. A path that, instead of rolling past obese, drug-addicted heathens, guaranteed us a better future – a future of, say, evangelical politics, Sharia Law or a return to Anglo-Saxon Britain.
The public mood towards British politics is a bitter cocktail of institutional apathy and lacklustre anger, which opens up a spot for someone to swoop in with bizarre, extreme, nonsensical ideas and get everyone all flustered and excited. With that in mind, we decided to ask some people with absolutely no chance of imposing their ideals on us about their vision of an ideal Britain.
We spoke to an anarchist, a fundamentalist Christian, some anti-British regionalists and the most famous radical Islamist cleric who hasn't been extradited yet, but started with Jack Buckby from the National Culturists. You might remember him from this interview we did with him last week.
JACK BUCKBY AND THE NATIONAL CULTURISTS
Jack Buckby, Chairman of the National Culturists, with political and spiritual role model Nick Griffin. Jack believes that Britain's mulitculturism is damaging the nation and wants to take us back to a time before all that – an imaginary time of rationed spam, rosy, blushing cheeks, gramophones and institutionalised racism.
VICE: What's your ideal Britain, Jack?
Jack Buckby: My ideal Britain would be a distributist Britain with British-owned industries, a revitalised manufacturing industry, nationalised banking, fewer imports, a withdrawal from the European Union, a halt to immigration, cut all funding to multicultural projects, celebration of British history and culture, better protection of the countryside, free University Education, British people not being made to feel like second-class citizens and a nuclear-powered green Britain.
You've got a lot to be getting on with, then. Anything else?
I’d also like to see that children are better protected, paedophiles not overlooked as they have been for the past 30 years, serial killers and child rapists should be hanged, pubs should be taxed less and supermarkets taxed more. I don’t want the working class to be victimised by career politicians, I’d like to see proportional representation in the House of Commons and an end to all foreign wars.
What about the immigrants that are already here?
I wouldn’t force anyone to go anywhere.
You mentioned the death penalty, what offences would that be used for?
Serial killers, murders where there’s no questionable doubt, drug smuggling, treason and paedophiles when there’s dead evidence, otherwise I’d like to see a life sentence that means life.
What about the people living in this hypothetical Britain, do you think they’d enjoy it?
I think it’d be much more cheerful. I’m a culturist because I want to reduce tension and ensure each national identity is preserved. So I think it’d be a much more cheerful society, especially when there are bigger consequences for crimes; it makes them less likely to be committed so I think it’d be a safer society as well.
You think the death penalty would make life more cheerful?
ANJEM CHOUDARY, RADICAL ISLAMIST CLERIC
Anjem Choudary, Islamist cleric and former leader of the now defunct Islam4UK who wants to introduce Sharia law to Britain. We've hung out with Anjem a couple of times and he always seems like a pretty nice guy, then you remember – if he had his way – women would be treated like slaves and being stoned to death would be a thing again, both of which obviously aren't ideal.
VICE: So, Anjem, what would an ideal Britain look like to you?
Anjem Choudary: In an ideal country anywhere in the world, sovereignty should belong to God instead of man. This would mean that supremacy is for the Sharia and authority would be in the hands of Muslims. There would only be one leader who would have a mandate to implement the divine law. He wouldn't be removed every two or four years as long as the Sharia is being implemented, and as long as he fulfils the basic conditions of being male, mature, sane, trustworthy and capable.
So there’s a despot and he has to be a man?
There's no gender war in Islam. The main role of a woman in Islam is as a house wife – cooking, cleaning, maintaining the children and maintaining the household. She will be rewarded equally to the man outside of the house. There’s no conflict here whatsoever. What they do is for the sake of God and to obtain a place in paradise in the hereafter.
Okay, so the “gender war” is solved by crushing women’s rights. What else would Sharia look like in practical terms?
Things like alcohol, pornography, gambling, prostitution and drugs would be completely prohibited. Now, as far as Jews, Christians and other non-Muslims are concerned, what they do in their own homes is their business. But publicly, nobody would be able to sell pork or alcohol. Or to buy it or consume it.
Bummer. So pork would be treated in the same way as illegal drugs are now?
What would we do with pubs?
We could use them as libraries or health centres.
Can I at least still have sex, as long as it’s not with a prostitute?
If someone committed fornication and they weren’t married, that would be one hundred lashes. If someone is married and committed adultery, they would be lashed and stoned to death.
Okay, that's pretty emphatic. Thanks, Anjem.
BEER, BACCY AND CRUMPET PARTY
Ray Hall, Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party candidate for the Eastleigh by-election. The party's policies mainly focus on making beer cheaper, providing inside areas to smoke, helping students out financially and bringing back capital punishment. So it's well rounded.
VICE: Hi Ray. What does the "beer" in your name stand for?
Ray Hall: We’d make beer duty free in pubs so that they could sell it for approximately £2 a pint. That way we could preserve the public houses in this country. We’re losing them at around 500 per year at the minute because they can’t compete with cheap cans of beer being sold by supermarkets and off-licences. But I’m also fighting for lower tuition fees and jobs for the youngsters.
You’ve got my vote so far. What about baccy?
I don’t smoke any more for health reasons, but I know that the public house business has lost trade because guys can’t go there and have a pint and a smoke. My proposal is that, where possible, there should be a separate area for smoking that doesn't inconvenience other users.
Wouldn’t you agree that the smoking ban has been pretty popular?
Yes, I would. I think it’s been beneficial to public health. Smoking is a dangerous pastime and I wouldn’t want to promote it.
An outline of the Beer, Baccy and Crumpet party's policies.
Right. Let’s move onto crumpet – is that a reference to women?
It’s not – it’s a serious element. It’s an acronym (above). Also, I’ve devised an organ transplant system; "T" is also for transplant. The donor gives the kidney to the recipient on a lease basis. The recipient only leases the kidney until such time as the donor may require it back. In all probability, the person will never have to give it back.
What happens if the recipient of the transplant won’t give it back because they’re worried that the operation will kill them?
I’m afraid they’re legally obliged to – it’s like a debt. The collection would be enforced and the person who received the kidney would have to give it back and then become a priority case to get another one from the list of donors.
What if the person who'd been lent the kidney had really abused it by drinking loads of alcohol, or something?
I hadn’t actually thought of that. But yeah, that could be a problem. I’d have to look into that. There wouldn’t be a great deal you could do – it’s like if you lent someone your car: they could drive it carefully or they could drive it crazily.
I'm not sure it's that similar, but thanks all the same, Ray.
THE ACTING WITAN OF MERCIA
Jeff Kent (left) – Convenor of the Acting Witan of Mercia, who want a return to the Anglo-Saxon Mercia (the Midlands, basically) being an autonomous region within an English confederation. Sue Bell – photo credit for independent Mercia.
VICE: What would the ideal Britain look like to you?
Jeff Kent: Our constitution demands that Mercia would be an independent region working on a cooperative basis. It would be a holistic society based on organic democracy, cooperative community and ecological balance. We wouldn’t be concerned directly with areas outside Mercia.
What about non-Mercian parts of the country?
What we'd like to see would be a return to the England of Mercia and the other historic regions' time. We’re very strongly allied with the Wessex regionalists, for example.
Do people really care about medieval identities, though?
They do. We’ve got well over 2,000 registered citizens who recognise the region and recognise the Acting Witan as the coordinating body spearheading the region towards independence.
So you're literally trying to take us back the Dark Ages?
It’s crystal clear that the Norman invasion in 1066 smashed the old system. This wouldn’t matter a jot if the world was OK as it is, but it isn’t. The causes of the problems of today go back to 1066. Before the 1066 holocaust, England had more to do with northern Europe and Scandinavia than the continent. If you look at those countries now, it’s a closer model to where we might have been had the Norman conquest never happened.
Paul Huxley from Christian Concern, a British Christian group who are very, very concerned about stuff, namely abortion, gay marriage, euthanasia and Islam. They want to introduce a "Christian voice" into British law, media and government.
VICE: You support the Prayers for Parliament scheme, where Christians pray for MPs and the Government to make good decisions. is that something you'd want to see more of in an ideal Britain?
Paul Huxley: Yes. We think that Christianity and specifically Christian beliefs have been at the forefront of building a better Britain in the past and we’d like to continue that into the future. The Christian framework is a tolerant and good framework in which society as a whole – Christians and non-Christians – are able to flourish.
What are we getting wrong now?
The main issues are life issues: euthanasia and abortion. We’d take pro-life stances in both of those. We also believe in the freedom of the gospel and freedom to speak the truth that we believe in. That’s in cases of things like street evangelism and freedom of employees to be consistent Christians throughout their life.
If Christian ideals were given more prominence in the running of the country, would it not isolate people from other religions or with no religion?
First of all, we think that Christianity is true in the sense that no other religion is true – we believe that Jesus Christ’s claims are real in a way that other claims aren’t. So, fundamentally, we think that Jesus Christ should be recognised in a way that other religions aren't. However, we think that the Christian ethos is good for everyone who’s here and we want to be welcoming to all kinds of people. And what are the alternatives? What we currently have is a secularist situation – an attempt to shut out religion from all aspects of the state, which leads to people having to act against their conscience.
Would gay marriage be off the cards?
Anarchists are usually pretty private people, what with the masks and all that, and their views do differ slightly from person to person, but the general gist they're striving towards is a country with no powerful establishment or leadership.
VICE: What would your ideal Britain look like?
Anonymous anarchist: It would be a country without bosses, politicians or cops, where people were free to – er, sorry, I've just woken up.
That’s OK. Do go on.
People would make the decisions that affect them directly, rather than someone else having the power. It would be a world without capitalism where we don’t work for the rich to generate profit for them, where human needs and desires are met by society rather than us spending our lives working away for other people.
Without capitalism, what would you do with the banks?
We wouldn’t have banks. There are huge industries we don’t really need, like marketing and finance. We could get rid of all of that completely.
I guess the royal family would have to go, too?
Yeah. We’re opposed to monarchs completely.
So would Pippa Middleton be allowed to keep her column in Waitrose Magazine?
If she's any good at writing about cooking, I'd imagine she could carry on doing that.
Would Buckingham Palace burn?
No, we'd do something useful with it rather than it being a home for a rich old parasite. Maybe it could be social housing or a museum of how Britain was before the revolution.
Without cops, how would order be kept?
It’s capitalism that creates most crime. We wouldn’t want a state of chaos or anything like that – we'd want communities creating their own rules and then enforcing them themselves. Something like a rampaging murderer would be left for communities to deal with – maybe putting them in something like a prison, or maybe not. But anarchists don't decide what the future's going to be like for everyone.
Okay, so the people decide everything. What if the people decide to do something really archaic like castrating paedophiles?
We favour a way of dealing with criminals that rehabilitates them to an extent. I imagine most people wouldn’t object to castrating paedophiles.
But castrating them doesn’t rehabilitate them.
I think paedophilia goes against anarchist ideals more than castrating paedophiles does. We want complete freedom for people as long as it doesn’t impinge on the freedom of others. Loads of stuff we’re told we can’t do now – like take drugs, for example – we would be free to do.
So all drugs would be allowed?
Yeah, but in an anarchist society we’d want to help people not become addicted to drugs and help them enjoy them responsibly.
Would there be a ban on tutting at people doing drugs at parties?
No. I can see that that would still happen in the future. Sorry, I’ve just been drinking solidly for the last three days. Thinking about things is a little difficult.
That’s OK. Sorry to disturb you – I'll let you get back to changing the world.
Want to see a couple of these guys in action? Try these:
Watch - Jihad Milkshakes