We Took to the Streets to Ask: Who Is the Most Fuckable Cereal Mascot?

January 29, 2016, 5:00am

Surprise surprise: the Furry Fandom has crossed the line, again. On Wednesday, after months of being ignored, over-excited Furries (people who like to dress as animals to fuck) began to bombard the official Twitter account for Tony the Tiger with overtly sexual, “fuck me daddy”-style messages, resulting in a blocking spree from the Kellogg’s stalwart. Stratch out the ‘Tony 4 Furries’ graffiti you had etched in that tree: the greatest love the internet has ever known is over.

Meanwhile — lion to myself (@taizou_hori)January 28, 2016

But is Tony the Tiger really all that? We decided to go to the Cereal Killer Café in Shoreditch to ask its customers the immortal question: ‘Who is the most fuckable cereal box mascot?’ But then one of the Cereal Killer twins came out and shooed us from the café because VICE keep “writing mean things about us”, so we just stood outside and asked people passing in the street instead.

Videos by VICE

Daisy, 22, writer

I’d have to go with Scott the Porage Oats guy. Firstly he’s the only human – not that I’m against bestiality – and he’s hot.

Cracker, 22, engineer

I’d have an orgy with the Rice Krispies gang.

Tiffany, 20, student

I’d have sex with the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms, because I like the cereal and he looks cute with the hat.

Wilson, 22, student

I’d go with Tony: he’s the most familiar and I like the taste of Frosties.

Derek, 26, student

Tony, because he is very athletic.

Mehreen, 20, student

Honey Monster (previously known as Sugar Puff Monster) because he looks really cuddly.

Julian, 45, artist

Honey Monster. But I can’t get out of my head how horrible it was when they threw paint over the Cereal Café. People thought they were on the sides of the estate agents, but they’re not.

Matt, works in retail

The Honey Nut Bee, because it’s the only one that’s girl. [FYI: Buzz, the Honey Nut Bee, is a dude.]

Sage, 24, works in retail

I’d have sex with Cap’n Crunch because I think in real life he would actually be hot and he’s a captain: he can take control.

Nina, 21, creative director

Leprechaun from Lucky Charms because he seems like he has a lot of energy which is good because I can get lazy when having sex. He’ll definitely make it magical in bed.