A couple of people maybe about to neck (?) at Tinder’s London launch party (Photo: Tom Johnson)
Ah, yes, Tinder – the app that was supposed to facilitate strings-free fuckin’ and suckin’ and has now turned into the primary means of acquiring a long, tenuous relationship in this, the year 2016. And again, they have changed Tinder. They have teamed up with Spotify so you can put a song on your profile, like in the olden days, the Myspace days.
That’s good, isn’t it? Not only is Tinder unending; it’s now also audible.
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Since learning that just now, I’ll bet you’ve been obsessing over this question: what do various VICE writers and both the interns think their Tinder profile song should be and why? Don’t you want desperately to find out?
Well:
“COOL”
If I had to choose one song that would summarise my entire Tinder experience, but one that also – when just seen at a glance as an advertisement for me on my Tinder profile – is very, very witty, it would be “Cool” from the classic 1961 musical West Side Story.
‘Haha,’ they’ll (hopefully!) think. ‘This guy obviously has a great sense of humour! He seems like the kind of guy I could really potentially spend at least three rounds of alcohol with before deciding a) actually, this irony thing he’s doing is really annoying; b) actually he’s nowhere near as good looking as in his pictures, or c) fuck, I really wish I’d eaten before I came to this because now I’m too drunk to act on a) and b) and can’t be arsed to leave early but I think he’s taking that as some kind of indication that the date is going well when it really, really isn’t.’
Cool!
“CAN YOUR PUSSY DO THE DOG?”
I chose this song mostly because it evokes tiger-print leotards, dubious makeup and tight leather trousers, which is what I’m all about. Also, it sounds sexual but in a weird enough way that people would think twice before turning it into a pick-up line. Although, inevitably, it’d probably evoke some kind of question on whether or not my pussy can do the dog, followed by a winky face, followed by “hey u there?”, followed by “yeah well fuck you”.
“HOLIDAY RAP”
On one hand your Tinder anthem is the thing that says “this is me, this is how I fuck; let me fuck you at least a little bit – just a little, just the tip, just let me get the idea of it in your head before I get it your junk – let me fuck you through the medium of song”, and on the other hand your Tinder anthem also says “this is my music, this is how I am, this is my personality distilled into three minutes forty of Adele”. It cannot be both things. You cannot have a fuck song be your personality song, unless you are literally D’Angelo. You cannot have your personality song be your fuck song. You gotta come down one side or the other.
I am not telling you what side I am coming down on but my Tinder song is “Holiday Rap” by DJ Sven and Miker G.
“SCENE SICK”
“Scene Sick” by Diet Cig would be mine because the opening words are something like: “I’m sick of hearing about your band / I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care.” Which I feel would maybe help me avoid going on Tinder dates with the kind of people who own lutes.
“DEAD RINGER FOR LOVE”
A singular song could never capture the nuance of a human being, the individualism of a unique soul – and yet here we are, Tinder. My song could be anything from Barbara Streisand’s “Rain On My Parade” – to communicate a sense of spontaneous Hannah, lover of pomp and theatrics – to something by Grouper or Slowdive – for existential Hannah, who spends too much time ploughing the depths of misery. But I’ll go with Meat Loaf feat. Cher – “Dead Ringer For Love”, because, just like me, it is an unparalleled banger.
I don’t know if songwriter Jim Steinman knew he was a poetic genius at the time, but his lyrics perfectly capture the Tinder experience: “I don’t know anything about you baby / but you’re everything I’m dreaming of.” Plus, the song is highly representative of me: the uplifting camp sensibility and those wailing solos are me on my best behaviour; those “baa baa oos” hint towards the very real possibility that we’ll find each other distinctly irritating when we get to know each other too well.
“THOMAS THE SMASH MOUTH ENGINE”
There are only two things I value in a potential sex friend and they are: 1) a sense of humour, and 2) a strong appreciation for the American rock band Smash Mouth. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. But why, Emma, you’re asking – why, if you love Smash Mouth so much, would you choose for your imaginary Tinder profile song this dank mash-up between their 1999 hit “All Star” and the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song? It’s simple, really.
This “slightly unfinished” masterpiece is a litmus test for how well you cope with life. If you think about it, are we not all, deep down, the “All Star” and Thomas the Tank Engine mash-up? When I hear this song, I think of the chaos and absurdity of life. This song is my emotions after seven pints. This song is everybody I’ve ever met – starving, hysterical, naked, swiping through strange, vacant faces on the internet looking for a dick to sit on. Are we not all a combination of two completely opposing forces, marching forward in the world completely out of step, with all the grace of a camel getting out of a tent? Are we not all, ultimately, “slightly unfinished”?
Also, it’s really fucking funny.
“THAT’S THE WAY I LIKE IT”
For my Tinder anthem I’m going to use a tried and tested formula. My most successful time on social media was using Myspace, around the year 2005. My profile picture was one of me wearing a Superman T-shirt and I was in the top friends of about 15 different girls. The comments, picture comments and friend requests flowed like thick honey in those days. I was coming out of my chubby phase and had just discovered the timer on my parents’ digital camera, leading to candid, well-staged shots that were thick with both fringe and sexual energy. This was a halcyon era of popularity, and one month I even enjoyed an unbroken run of snogging different girls on four consecutive weekends back to back.
My song? “That’s the Way I Like It” by KC and the Sunshine Band, of course.
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