Who Would Win the War Between Animals and Humans?

Hanging out with my neighbour’s chocolate-brown labrador, I wondered if, behind those misty, adoring eyes, he was thinking callous, murderous thoughts towards his owner and I. We all assume a wagging tail and that kind of half-smile that dogs do where they stick their tongue out means they’re content in the little, stress-free world they inhabit. But, for all we know, those might be involuntary reactions to the crappy dog food and lifetime sofa-bans they’re subjected to.

What if all the animals in the world who feel like that overlooked their differences, stopped being racist about each other and formed an alliance to destroy humanity? How would we deal with it? Sure, if they won, they’d have nobody to open their tins of Pedigree Chum, but at least liberty would be achieved.

London, who would win the war between animals and humans? 

Tony, 52: The animals. It’s simple; the ants would just fuck you up.

VICE: What if we all had flamethrowers?
It wouldn’t matter. They’re just stronger. It doesn’t matter what you do, they’ll always come back. Their DNA just adapts to the environment. Humans are getting cancer left right and centre. Seen a lot of ants with cancer lately? No.

I’m not particularly well read on the epidemiology of ants, so I couldn’t possibly speculate. Please continue talking.
Most people don’t understand how evolution works. Evolution is about extinction and then leaving a gap. All evolution is about extinction. It’s as simple as burning out the scrub fire on the land to allow new shoots to grow. And new seeds come from distant lands in the winds to plant themselves.

That’s some deep stuff right there. Are you Buddha reincarnated, or something?
No. These ideas are before Buddha, anyway, so fuck him. They come from the first single-cell organism. I’m not a deep thinker, I just think. Most people are just led by their arse and their balls or their pussy.

Too fucking right, mate.

Steve, 42: Erm, bearing in mind we have mechanised warfare, I think we would win.

What about all the moles and termites coming up from beneath us?
That’s what chemicals are for. We could extinguish billions of them in one hit. Fire, the atom bomb, the hydrogen bomb, chemical warfare. Can you imagine how many ants you could burn with one flamethrower?

Are you saying you would nuke the animals?
If it came to it and that’s the only option that was left, yeah. But then you fuck up your own world, so why would you do that?

Jonathan, 25: Are you counting bacteria? I need clarification here, because bacteria are tricky little buggers. There are loads of them and they can reproduce really quickly.

Nope, bacteria don’t count. What would be the most dangerous animal in this war?
The crane fly, I reckon. They have the most deadly poison, but haven’t got a stinger. So it’d be a suicide bug.

Cool – kamikaze crane flies diving into our hamburgers. What else?
Obviously the snakes and reptiles that have their own poison glands. Just think of the ants, we’d be screwed. Think of them at night, picking you up while you sleep. The Butler ant can carry 50 times its body weight. Plus, more than half of the human race has no warfare training at all.

So we’d be fucked, then.

Max, 27: I don’t know, I can’t comprehend that. This is a ridiculous question.

Just humour us; who would win?
The animals would probably win, there are a lot more species than us.

Do you think the animals would take offence to the mink collar you’re rocking on your coat?
There aren’t a lot of minks left, so I’ll be alright. But whatever is closest to them, their cousins, or whatever, might be pissed. Yeah, I’d be fucked.

Sarah, 32 (left) and Henry, 9, dog.

Sarah: Definitely the animals.

How would Henry stack up next to his fellow animals?
He’s more of a frontline man. He doesn’t really call the shots as he’s not all that bright. He would be there and report on time – he’s very athletic.

He’s all brawn. How would you feel if he turned against you?
I don’t think he could do it to me. I’d be saved.

I wouldn’t be so sure. What about the humans’ use of guns and bombs? Are you sure we wouldn’t win?
Erm, I don’t think so. Humans are wimps compared to animals.

Ella, 18: If this includes insects, locusts could wipe us out. Actually, fuck that shit, we have nuclear weapons!

Would you be happy to use nukes?
Well, I’d build myself a safe house and try to make friends with the animals and avoid the fighting. I’d rather befriend everyone and live peacefully in the forest somewhere. I could live in a tree house.

So you would try diplomacy first?
I’d try being diplomatic and, if couldn’t win, then just nuke them. Or the Americans would get there first, so we wouldn’t have to make the choice.

A profound summarisation of the modern world’s condition, right there. 

Previously – Do You Surf and Turf?