Why Can't Anybody Love Tom Cruise?

An open letter to the most undesirable man in Hollywood.

Screen shot via

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.


Another week, another story about how creepy Tom Cruise is. Just when you thought you couldn’t hear the same drama phrased differently ever again, along comes this new book ready to blow your tiny mind with its tale of how ScarJo, LiLo, K-Boz and Jessica Alba were unwittingly auditioned against Katie Holmes for the role of Cruise’s lifelong squeeze-partner.

I know, I know who would have thought that some kind of controversial story about Tom Cruise would ever break ever again, and here I am dedicating a whole column to it? Jeez, someone fire me already. But I need you to trust me on this one. There is an issue within this issue that runs deep into the crusty veins of the Western world; a question which will resound in the minds of journalists and philosophers alike for years to come. I’m referring, of course, to this complex modern riddle: Why can’t anybody love Tom Cruise?!

Screen shot via

Let’s start with his looks. Yes, maybe that glint in his eye and the half sneer makes him look a bit like he’s constantly snooping on you in the Ladies loo, but as a youngling he was halfway to total babe status. Sure, he was never a 100 percent stud or anything, but he didn’t radiate insanity in the same way that he does now, and that's an attractive thing to look for when you're trying to find a man to audition you to be his wife.

It also seemed like, back then, he'd yet to tumble into the clutches of whoever his current Scientology stylist is. (Hands up who else thinks it's Willow Smith?) Someone needs to tell Tom that he doesn’t have to wear his blue aviators all the goddamn time, and those early 2000s leather jackets need to stop.

Although, on second thoughts, out of fashion is so “in” right now. Maybe all TC really needs to do is star in Brooke Candy’s next music video and he’ll immediately flip the past five years of horrifying, awkward dad-style into some kind of witty artistic comment on society that no one will ever expect him to fully explain. After that, he should get cast as a predatory gay in a Judd Apatow film, see a few dawns in with Steve Coogan and Owen Wilson, and the whole Tom Cruise versus sane people thing will just die.

If those pointers aren’t quite enough, or if they don't make it through the Church's barrage balloon legal team, I’ve also written to Tom directly. Because come on ladies, what's not to love? A not-that-insane guy who's kind of attractive. Did someone say win-win?!

Screen shot from Eyes Wide Shut trailer

Dear Tom,

I want to start by saying: You Are Not Unlovable. I feel like you don’t believe this yet. Say it out loud, to yourself, like an affirmation. Have you thought about doing yoga? It’s kind of similar to being in a cult because there are candles and moaning, but it’s not going to take hundreds of thousands of dollars from you, and isolate you from the rest of the world. It might be relaxing?

You have recently finalised your third divorce. Why do you find it so difficult to remain in a steady relationship, Tom? Do you feel that your relationships are not built on the strong pillars of trust, love and respect that are necessary to keep you and another human being together in the long run?

I saw you talking at that football match that time, and you kind of seemed a little, uh, out of it. It’s OK to get stressed out you know, you should just admit to the cameraman that you’re feeling a bit off that day, and maybe you shouldn’t be allowed airtime on national TV. Everybody has their off days, yours just seem to be a little bit more, intense. But there's nothing wrong with intense, as long as you know how to rein it in.

Can I ask you something personal, Tom? How do you manage to be so earnest all the time? "Goofing off" doesn't count as a sense of humour. I once tried to be serious when my boyfriend was trying to tell me he loved me, and I was totally cringed out for like three hours. I think you should try to be more like me, it might stop you ending up in scenarios from which you feel that there's really no way out. You look like you're clenching your teeth in anger and pain a lot of the time, do you suffer from Bruxism? I get that too, but you can get muscle relaxants to help you out with that, just ask your doctor!

Finally, try to remember those positive times, like Tom Cruise Day in Japan on October 10th, 2006. That might feel like it's a really long way away right now, but if you just stay positive, and forget about that perfect-nosed, perfect-haired, perfect-eyed perfect woman Katie Holmes who, let's be honest, you probably drove away because you believe some weird-ass shit about psychiatry being responsible for 9/11 and the Holocaust and you don't want women to make such a noise during childbirth, maybe you'll start to feel less down on yourself.

IDK, maybe this isn't constructive. I'm just so frustrated, T, because you're a relatively hot, rich, famous guy, and I just know that one day you could make me (or Courtney Stodden) really, really happy :)


Bertie Brandes

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously - There's a Feminist Propaganda War