Yeah Baby

How to Dress a Baby

I gotta tell you, I'm not a big fan of baby clothes. I feel like people be taking advantage of the fact that a baby is too polite to tell you that onesie you bought them is weak as fuck.

av KOOL A.D.
2015 09 25, 6:57am

The author's baby

The author's baby

I gotta tell you, I'm not a big fan of baby clothes. Way too many colors and patterns, hella bows and ribbons, extraneous straps and buttons, none of the shit matches any of the other shit and half the shit don't even match itself. It's loud as fuck, like 30 different shades of pink and 20 different powder blues. Corny little jokes on the t-shirt—it's like calm down, dude, what is this clown ass garbage you're trying to sell me? You want my baby to look like a damn fool?

People be like "Who cares? It's a baby, throw some garbage ass joke t-shirt on it." Naw, fuck that. Drape your baby in vintage Polo. Get your baby some Flyknits and couture yoga pants to wear in the VIP section of whatever bootsy festival is poppin' in town. Your baby's Jordans should be fresher than yours. Your baby knows what to do in those things—the fuck you know how to do? Not pull out, that's for damn sure. I feel like people be taking advantage of the fact that a baby is too polite to tell you that onesie you bought them is weak as fuck.

Also, you don't have to throw some raggedy, wrinkly ass bow on a shirt just to let fools know it's a girl or put hella trucks on some shorts to make sure everybody knows it's a dude. Are you seriously that nervous that some random stranger on the street might not know what genitalia this tiny, barely-formed human being has? Who the fuck cares?

As far as brands go, I'm not mad at The Gap (never thought I'd say that). They have some mellow, low key, simple shit for a baby. The Baby Gap I believe they call it. Also nice: Zara. Carter's go hard too. It's made especially for babies but it's not on some clown shit. Uh, what else... Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Calvin Klein, Ferragamo, Fendi, Armani... all that shit go pretty hard. Get your baby a tiny Rolex, the baby will wake up at six in the morning on the dot, pointing to the tiny little Roly like, "Look, the second hand don't even tick, bruh. It glide."

Swing by the Mishka store get the baby some jeans and maybe a tank top. Get the baby a tiny fitted cap with your local sports team. Or maybe a tiny snapback. Get the baby an XXXL Adult White T and an XXXL Adult Black T from the corner store. Get the baby a FUBU sweatsuit and a Triple 5 Soul bucket hat. Get the baby a throwback Rocawear velour number. Get the baby a Hiero beanie. Get the baby a Tommy Hilfiger windbreaker. Get the baby a Cross Colours letterman or maybe a Members Only jacket, I hear they're catching a third or fourth wind. I also heard Rodarte is having another moment, but who knows? Take the baby to Opening Ceremony. Cop some rare Highland gear. Get the baby in some couture sweatpants. Get it a tiny wave cap (colloquially, du-rag) so the rows don't fray overnight. Give the baby tiny sweatbands so it looks sporty. Give the baby girl red bottoms early to set the bar high for the next little crop of rich boy rappers. Get the baby in them Bad Gyal Ri Ri Puma creepers. She'll be throwing Ghetto Gothik parties at daycare. Get some Alexander Wang and Marc Jacobs for the baby. Can't go wrong with Baby HBA and Baby Bape. Buy some tiny Dolce & Gabbana.

Make a baby fashion mood board with keywords like "rogue," "fierce," "ingénue," "1968," "Futurism," "Ivy," "Balayage," "Moon Stone," etc. Notice lighting. The building is garment for space. A garment is an envelope for a love letter in the form of human being. Pick up a copy of Babywear Daily . Is that a thing? Tried to google it but I'm not getting internet right now. Pick up a copy of Baby Vogue. Fashion is beyond the garment, fashion is an attitude. Consider half-chewed pieces of banana as accessories. Hand dye a couple t-shirts with berry juice. Get creative with it. A baby needs a mean walk. Watch Prêt-à-Porter on mute while listening to Ini Kamoze.

So in conclusion: it's fashion, baby. Play with it, darling. Have some fun. Just refuse to dress your baby like trash. This is important. The baby needs to look fly if it's gona be fly, feel me? If you need some examples, check out @kool_days on Instagram. That's my daughter, styled by her mom, @cultdays, who also made a few of those pieces the baby's wearing. If you see anything you like, feel free to hit her up but her prices are steep cause this is couture. It's fashion, baby.

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