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Science Says You Can Evolve a Bigger Penis By Simply Fucking More

The beetles have done it, so why not us?

Recent photo of me (Photo by UCFFool, via)

If, like me, you're a man who has an inordinate amount of sex, to the point where it becomes a mechanical endeavour, the climax serving only as a momentary distraction from the robotic horror of coitus, then you're in luck. Us heavy-intercourse men are getting bigger dicks, and it's all got something to do with beetles.

In a study published by journal Evolution and conducted by scientists at the University of Exeter, it was found that the male burying beetle will lengthen the size of its penis through above-average mating over the course of a few generations. The female burying beetle, on the other hand, grows claws in its reproductive organs.


Predictably, the female beetles come off worse out of this whole thing: it only requires a couple of sessions to fertilise all their eggs. The males, however, can fuck any and all beetles they want, and their dicks subsequently get bigger. All the ladies get is too many kids and a load of pincers in their vaginas. Typical. Looks like the patriarchy is alive and well in the beetle world.

The rate of evolution in these beetle dicks is quite remarkable, though. As Dr Paul Hopwood from the University of Exeter pointed out: "It's fascinating how genital evolution can happen so fast – in ten generations – showing how rapidly evolutionary changes can occur."

Nobody's suggested the same thing could happen to humans – YET. But hey, if it works for beetles, why shouldn't it work for us?

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