Sweden's Politicians Are Spending Tax Money on Piss-Ups

Backyard Babies, gettin' that Swedish taxpayer (via the Swedish Security Service) money

If there's one thing people love about politicians and other publicly accountable figures, it's the considerate, careful and selfless way they spend the money that is handed to them by taxpayers. So you can imagine the outcry in Sweden recently when we discovered that some of our politicians have been squandering more money than most Swedes earn in a lifetime throwing parties.

I can understand that, in Britain, this probably doesn't seem that bad to you. In fact, it probably seems like a far more baller way to spend public money than on duck ponds and shitty porn films to jerk off to in depressing hotel rooms. Nevertheless, the Swedish media's current witch-hunt has forced some establishments to declare how much they spend on their VIP piss-ups. Here are a list of parties you'd never have been invited to because no one in a position of authority in Sweden gives a shit about who you are.

Who are they? The Knowledge Foundation funds research at national universities to ensure Sweden is one of the most knowledgeable countries in the world. Because knowledge is power, and power is the opportunity to frivolously spend money that isn't yours.

How do they party? It recently came out that, in March 2001, the foundation hosted an event that's now referred to as the "party of all parties", probably because it cost £1,470,000, which shits on every self-endorsed P Diddy "party to end all parties". Swedish celebrity chef, Carl-Jan Granqvist was recruited to cook the food and an interactive video game, which cost £480,000 IN ITSELF, was installed throughout the event, just in case people got bored of all the expensive free food and alcohol on offer.

Who are they? The SSS protect Sweden from terrorists and do other stuff to prevent possible threats to the public. They're the national security service, I'm sure you can work out what their job entails.

How do they party? Presumably to celebrate the fact that they're all doing a real great job of being kick-ass spies, the SSS threw a party inspired by James Bond movie producer Albert R. Broccoli – but not by Bond himself, weirdly – to the tune of £400,000. A plethora of Sweden's TV personalities were hired to entertain guests, and Dregen from Backyard Babies, AKA the Swedish Beatles, DJed, so you just know it was a screamer. British MI5 boss Jonathan Evans also attended, which was apparently a big deal. I'm not sure what his fee was, though. Kim Kardashian reportedly charges around £15,000 to attend a nightclub, so Jonny's probably somewhere in the £2k-£5k bracket.

Who are they? There are five major National Pension Funds in Sweden. All are commissioned to manage public pensions and assure the best possible financial return for Sweden's working citizens.

How do they party? One of the funds has a totally free bar funded by taxpayers' money, which is as perfect a way of demonstrating your interest in providing a good financial return for your working citizens as I've ever seen. In September 2011, another one of the funds took 56 of its employees to Iceland for three days at a cost of £65,000, where they worked for eight hours, then spent the rest of their time eating lobster, horse-riding and, I assume, indulging in extramarital sex in the Blue Lagoon hot springs.

Who are they? SSF support research and progress within natural science, engineering and medicine, in order to ensure Sweden remains a worldwide leader in various scientific fields.

How do they party? In 2009, the SSF hosted their 15-year anniversary bash and went all out, hiring Sweden's most famous event coordinator, Micael Bindefeldt. Invitations made out of glass (no quicker route to classy than glass invitations) were sent out to 540 guests, £13,800 was spent on helium balloons and regular Eurovision contestant, Lena Philipson was hired to perform after dinner, bringing the total bill to £190,000. Which pretty much puts the karaoke night you have planned at that all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant to shame.

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