Illegalize It!

The author, bummed.

Apples should be illegal. What a terrible food. They never satisfy your hunger and they make way too much noise. Have you ever heard someone bite into an apple? It’s disgusting. It sounds like a tree is falling inside someone’s skull. Also, people look smug when they eat an apple. Like, “Ah, you know. Just eatin’ an apple, doin’ normal stuff. Readin’ the paper.” Gross. Stop eating apples. It is a pointless food. Mangoes should be illegal. Have you ever tried to eat one? You have to cut the skin off with a knife and that takes forever and there’s this huge pit… just way too much work for such a little amount of food that doesn’t even taste that great. Melons should be illegal. Every kind. They are sticky and messy and people get way too happy about them when they are part of a breakfast buffet. This is them: “Oooh, melons!” This is me, but in a mocking tone: “Oooh, melons!” Pears should be illegal. They are like apples but more bland. By the way, if you have a craving for fruit, eat chocolate instead! Avocados should be illegal. I know everybody loves guacamole but I am sorry. I just don’t like the way it tastes. Also, something bums me out about seeing the black avocado carcass with all that green pasty stuff in someone’s garbage. Then there’s walnuts. Cracking them is a joke. You need a special tool to open it and that alone is irritating. Any food that you need a special tool for should be illegal. But really, walnuts ruin everything. They taste awful. They don’t belong in brownies or cookies or ice cream or anything at all. “Do these brownies have walnuts?” “Yes.” “OK, just the coffee then.” Sangria. Is it a drink or is it food? Pieces of fruit crammed into a glass of wine. So silly. We have to make a law against this. It’s not civilized to tilt and shake a wineglass so that some soggy piece of fruit can plop into your mouth. Drink wine or eat dessert, make up your mind. Cookies dipped in milk. Oh my god EEEEEEWWWW! Is there anything more horrible? Why would anyone do this? The cookie gets all wet and mushy and there are crumbs floating in the milk. Just… it makes me want to puke. Cookies are a gift to humanity. Keep all foods and drinks separate. Lobster. I will agree that lobster is delicious, but this business with the bib and the pliers and the tiny fork? I just don’t have the time or the patience. It’s too much of an event. I suppose there could be some kind of exemption for serving lobster if it’s in a sandwich or something, but otherwise it should be illegal. I realize that it may be difficult to enforce these food laws, but it would make me so much happier. Thank you, and I’m sorry if some of these foods were your favorites! FRED ARMISEN