Thanks for the warning, Mel. We’ll definitely be on the lookout for a truck with Oregon plates being driven by a creepy, Spanish-looking total figment of your imagination.
BUMMING OUR DOOBAGE
The Breakfast Club
We’ve got news for you. That commercial wasn’t aimed at the “tweens.” It was aimed at parents of tweens in their 30s who are still hung up on all the poorly written movies they liked as kids. Seriously, how did Ally Sheedy end up with the jock? In whose fucked-up brain does that work?
DON’T DREAM IT
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
I don’t know, that thing sounds like one eminently watchable trainwreck of overproduction if you ask us. Why don’t you just tell people you’re into the old one over and over and over? That’s what you’re gonna end up doing anyway.
PUSH IN THE KUSH (VALLEY)
gun markets in Pakistan
Hey old Pakistani woman, Suroosh did smack a bunch. There you go!
I’m afraid it’s you who missed the mark on this one. Go back and look at that comic again. Johnny isn’t making fun of 9/11 jumpers. The joke is about how Saudi Arabians love doing the “shaka” for some weird reason. The surfer, the Twin Towers, and the plane were purely there to establish context.
R.I.P. THE WORLD
Subject: Pumpkin head slutty losers I thought you used to be cool? Not that I would bother with Vice since like 2001—but you suck really bad! Get an ounce of taste! This is 2008 and the world is dying! MARCIA RITZ
Via email We like the idea that as the mushroom clouds rise in the distance and the entire continent slides into the sea, one girl will be saying to herself, “Well, at least I told off that magazine for having a fashion spread.” SPECIAL ILLUSTRATED SECTION
Despite having no idea that it was the theme for the issue (we swear), three readers sent us letters with their own doodles. How’s that for serendipity? Here they are for you to enjoy, unsullied by our hateful words. DEER DOODLE
Vice, I hope you like this card. It is a deer with trees for antlers. I like your magazine. Heart, SHEA
Salem, OR PS: If you eat honey made by local bees, your allergies will be cured, and if you eat bees that pollinate poison ivy, you will build up a tolerance to it, like that guy from Princess Bride kinda did with iocaine. BLIND HAWAIIAN CAT
Dear Vice, I really liked that piece recently on the woman selling clothes for cats. Mostly because she’s guided by celestial spirits. I would like some clear direction outside of the mundane or neurotic. Thanks for showing us people, things, and ideas from far away. You called for real mail. As you can see, it does not raise the level of discourse, but it gives you some DNA samples and might be more soulful. Yours truly, NATALIE SCHULHOFER
Atlanta, GA BIRD BRAIN
Dear Vice, I am 26 years old, grew up in the Bay Area, and have managed to never own a cell phone or computer. I still love to write letters! I even have a couple pen pals. Here I am keeping the dream alive! Everyone I know lives with these phones glued to them. I am still thankful to be able to leave my phone at home. Well, I am living quite happily with my four-year-old daughter and her daddy. We also have a dog named Falkor. Vice, I must say you’re my favorite magazine! I have saved all my Vices for years and can’t seem to part with them. Well, thanks for listening and keep doing what you’re doing! MICHELLE MARTIN