EUROPE IS TRYING TO DESTROY IRAN BY BUILDING A MAGIC WEATHER MACHINE AND STEALING ALL ITS RAIN
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has told his people that the West is so scared of Iran it's worked out a way to steal all their rain.
"Western countries have designed plans to cause drought in certain areas of the world, including Iran," claimed the president, whose nation has been dry a lot in the last few years.
"According to reports on climate, whose accuracy has been verified, European countries are using special equipment to force clouds to dump their water on their continent."
He cited as evidence an article by an unidentified "Western politician" while speaking at the unveiling of a new dam in the city of Arak. According to the Telegraph's Barney Henderson, rain began to fall from the sky moments after Mr Ahmadinejad finished his speech.
THE OPEN SECRETS OF THE RICH TOOK A FEW STEPS CLOSER TO LIBERATION
The footballer everyone knows the name of but that no one's allowed to name decided to sue Twitter, which, to me, seems as nebulous and intangible an act as heckling the sky or deciding to put water in prison.
Scottish newspaper the Sunday Herald responded to this by putting a photograph of the footballer on their front page with just a thin, black stripe stretched across his eyes.
As the 'paper's based in Scotland, it's not bound by the same super-injunction laws that have so far denied English media outlets the privilege of raking the man who allegedly had an affair with a nice looking lass's muck.
The image above is the Independent's front page this morning, while the Herald's editor Richard Walker explains his decision in an interview here.
A MAN KEPT ANNOYING ANOTHER MAN SO HE DEATH-GRIPPED HIM
Adam Martynyuk, the Vice Speaker of the Ukrainian parliament, showed his nagging deputy that you don't need a velvet glove or an iron fist when you've got a death grip.
GOD FAILED TO SHOW AT HIS OWN END OF THE WORLD PARTY
The penultimate story in our "man still struggling to exert total control over his environment" special mattered approximately infinity times more on Saturday morning than it does now.
If you're not already bored of laughing at or worrying about Harold Camping's incorrect prediction, you can find our 12-hour coverage of a complete non-event here.
A MAN LANDED AWKWARDLY AFTER FALLING OFF A CURB IN AMERICA
Must have been a fucking big curb.