This article originally appeared on VICE UK
In the smoking aftermath of it all, there are many questions to answer: how did Trump win? Who voted for Trump? How did one of the most clumsy, calamitous campaigns in history result in a win? What next for America? What next for the world? Will we look back upon this moment as the worst decision in history, or will he sort of bundle through? Does Trump even want to be President? All big, important questions. Worthy questions. Vital questions. Not going to answer any of them.
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Question: who is the best dog? Buster the dog, Snoop Dogg or Dog the Bounty Hunter?I am glad you asked me that.
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BUSTER THE DOGBuster the dog is the star of the new John Lewis advert. You know how this goes by now: John Lewis make an advert and, every year, we go out of our way to look at it. They have transcended advertising: they are creating advertising so iconic, so nuanced, that it flips the normal advertising paradigm – content pushed relentlessly into our eyes and head, exposed to us against our will, like a flasher in a dreary park – entirely on its head. We come to the advert, the advert doesn't come to us. Also, it makes about 30 percent of people cry. Anyway, this one is about a dog.TRAITS: Enjoys jumping; is jealous of squirrels.
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Isn't real.
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Isn't real.
SNOOP DOGGSnoop Dogg is a slender rapper who once appeared in Katy Perry video looking really, really confused. I am serious about this. I don't think people care enough about it: imagine being Snoop Dogg, right. Imagine being really, really stoned. And Katy Perry makes you dress in a cupcake-print suit and behold a castle made of ice cream cones. Can you imagine the psychological impact that's going to have on you? Mentally, you're never getting up from that. "California Gurls" was six years ago and my theory is Snoop Dogg is still confused about what happened. Katy Perry should be in jail for what she did to Snoop Dogg. For what she did to his mind.
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TRAITS: Snoop Dogg is known primarily for wearing very large clothes and smoking marijuana about it.
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Snoop Dogg, mentally, does not even occupy this planet. He is 100,000 miles away, having a very sedate time in another world, a more blissful one, one where people say "legit" a lot.
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Snoop Dogg, mentally, does not even occupy this planet. He is 100,000 miles away, having a very sedate time in another world, a more blissful one, one where people say "legit" a lot.
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTERDog the Bounty Hunter is a very red-faced man who spent the years 2004 to 2012 wearing black tactical gear and putting Hawaiian drug addicts in headlocks while shouting "QUIT THAT ICE" at them. He has the hair and general demeanour of a really physically strong Midwest-dwelling housewife in the year 1985.TRAITS: Tactically astute, good at headlocks, exceptionally fertile.
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Due to a murder conviction Dog cannot legally own a firearm, so has to use a weird sort of foam/pepper spray hybrid instead. That is his only weakness. He is otherwise the toughest man on the planet.
And so to the contest. Dog, Dogg and a dog will be judged based on a number of categories, with numbers assigned almost arbitrarily for each. A lot of people say this isn't a fair contest, that the judging is done solely by me, and that I am biased; they say these rundowns necessarily cannot be fair, and that my persistence with them is bringing the concept of fair competition into disrepute. I would like to extend a healthy "fuck off" to those people. On to the competition, which Dog the Bounty Hunter will definitely win:
POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES: Due to a murder conviction Dog cannot legally own a firearm, so has to use a weird sort of foam/pepper spray hybrid instead. That is his only weakness. He is otherwise the toughest man on the planet.
And so to the contest. Dog, Dogg and a dog will be judged based on a number of categories, with numbers assigned almost arbitrarily for each. A lot of people say this isn't a fair contest, that the judging is done solely by me, and that I am biased; they say these rundowns necessarily cannot be fair, and that my persistence with them is bringing the concept of fair competition into disrepute. I would like to extend a healthy "fuck off" to those people. On to the competition, which Dog the Bounty Hunter will definitely win:
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NARRATIVE ARC
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ATTITUDE TOWARDS DRUGS
LOVE OF GOD
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Dog the Bounty Hunter: There are only three things Dog the Bounty Hunter loves in this world: his buxom and aggressive wife, Beth, and the rest of his family; punching meth users really cleanly in the face; and praying to God to give him the strength to love his family and punch meth users really cleanly in the face. Solid nine on ten.Buster the Boxer: Buster the Boxer has pretty good commitment to being a dog! He is a dog. He is never not a dog. He has a 100 percent record of being a dog. He scores ten points for this round, the maximum allowed.Snoop Dogg: Ah, poor showing for Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg – though irrefutably a dogg – flirted with the idea of being a lion in 2012 after a life-affirming trip to Jamaica and an ensuing reggae album and a "Snoop Lion" name change, so that year spent as a lion does, sadly, count against him for the dog commitment round. He scores a lowly seven.Dog the Bounty Hunter: Dog the Bounty Hunter is not only a dog, but he is more of a dog than Buster the Boxer, an actual dog. Let me explain: a boxer's lifespan is 10 to 12 years, possibly 14 maximum. Buster the Boxer, no matter how committed he is to being a dog, can only be a dog for that amount of time. Dog the Bounty Hunter is already 63. He has been a dog for four times longer than an actual dog can be a dog. So, for that reason, he scores 11 points for this round, one more than the maximum.
COMMITMENT TO BEING A DOG
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SAYING THE N-WORD IN PUBLIC
ABILITY TO RUN ON FOUR LEGS
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Dog the Bounty Hunter: Dog the Bounty Hunter is, technically, a biped, but if you see him during a take down it almost always ends with Dog – a torch mounted on his shoulder, the orange-blue dark of the night just settling around him, vest, always a vest – really clumsily flumping onto a panicked meth addict and sort of scurrying around after them until he has them in a satisfactory headlock. So while he might not be a natural at running on four legs, I do think he could compete with an actual dog in a land race. Six points.Buster the Boxer: Ouch! A weak zero for Buster the Boxer in this round.Snoop Dogg: Oh no! Snoop with the swing and the miss. He does not look like a wrestler someone killed and a warlock reincarnated even at all. Another zero.Dog the Bounty Hunter: Woah! Dog the Bounty Hunter scores a thousand points on this round!Buster the Dog: 28 points. A strong showing for a good boy. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Buster, it seems, is a middling-to-good boy.Snoop Dogg: 38 points. Snoop Dogg won points for being cool and liking drugs; he lost them for briefly being a lion and not looking like Hulk Hogan's ghost. Close, but, ultimately, no cigar.Dog the Bounty Hunter: 1,047 points, and our victor today. I guess if this week has proved anything it's that people can be racist on record and still win whatever race they are competing in. Well done, Dog the Bounty Hunter. You are officially better than the John Lewis Christmas dog.@joelgolbyMore stuff about dogs, Christmas adverts:Homeless Dog Owners Talk About What Their Dogs Mean to ThemInside the Luxury Fat Camp for America's Wealthy Dogs