Dir: Nicholas Steele
In a past life I was Jacques Cousteau, travelling the globe in search of adventure. Just a short baker's dozen years ago, I spent no less than 28 days a month abroad on skateboarding tours. I was home so infrequently that I opted to no longer rent an apartment, but rather slept in any stranger's bed for a night or under my desk at the legendary, defunct skate mag Big Brother. At some point I met my wife, moved back to New Jersey, had two sons and settled into a peaceful life of domesticity in the suburbs.
Yet not one day passes that I don't crave the open air of a strange and new place, wanting to find myself in inexplicable predicaments on foreign soil and barely escaping with my life. To try and spice things up, I've gotten myself into three car chases in the past two years, and on several occasions have just gotten in my car and driven for hours with no destination in mind. I try my best to take the family on the road a few times a year, but those adventures are different. The adrenaline rush tends to center around if the kids are going to break something or if we can pull over fast enough to avoid one of them shitting his pants.
In the immortal words of Clark W. Griswold: "I wanna paint, I wanna sculpt something massive... I want to... God, I just have a creative urge." One that only a road trip can quench. Lucky for me I work for Vans, the greatest skate-shoe company on earth, and they've been kind enough to take me on a three-week European vacation. I'm writing this on the eve of my departure, and as excited as I am to mix it up overseas, I am beginning to stress out.
This will be the longest I've ever been away from my sons. I'm missing my firstborn's first day of school and his fourth birthday. Worst yet, what really has me sick to my stomach is that I won't be getting laid for 21 days. I haven't gone that long since I first discovered the fuzzy britches of a woman. I don't know that I'll be able to handle it. So, I sat my wife down and discussed my options. I told her the tour had a one-night stay scheduled in Amsterdam and that I needed closure. She understood, gave me her consent, but feared for my safety.
The story goes that 11 years ago, in the early stages of our courtship, I found myself in the red-light district of Amsterdam. Not wanting to cheat on my new lady, I instead opted to buy a bag full of oblong vegetables for a prostitute to use as sex toys while I masturbated: no touching involved, and I'd gladly pay full freight. Turns out girls over there don't care much for veggies. Every gal scoffed at the proposition; one sex worker got so angry that she called the enormous Moroccan security guards and nearly had me beaten senseless.
This time around I'm older, wiser and off drugs. I believe I can broker a better deal. And in this poor economy I feel I can find a taker and finally make peace with this story. On the other hand, my wife feels that I'm just as foolish and clumsy around pussy as ever. She also fears that the Moroccans won't be as kind this time.
"Can't you just go to one of those sex shows and jerk off in a room full of people?" she asked. "I think you'd be safer. And more likely to come home in one piece."
I reminded her that there is no thrill in playing it safe. She began to cry. It's as if she knew she'd just seen me alive for the last time.
More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com and twitter.com/Nieratko. Also, check out the Skinema show.