Illustration by Sam Taylor
Annons
Following a campaign to ban sexual imagery from the venerated shelves of Co-op last year, in which Nutz and Zoo were forced to bag up like eager shaggers chided into putting on condoms, or fuck off (they fucked off), No More Page 3 attempted to ban tits from the Sun. I can see where they're coming from. It is a bit weird to see a semi-naked body in a "family newspaper". In our culture. Because we have a helluva lot of shame around nudity and our bodies in general, so we associate nudity with sex and let's face it, Page 3 girls are there to look sexy to your average Sun reader.
Annons
I doubt the Sun will be dropping Page 3 any time soon. In perhaps the cleverest, most cynical media move I have ever seen, the paper used Page 3 to launch its Coppafeel campaign to raise awareness about breast cancer and encourage women to check their breasts for lumps. Cue "Page 3 saved my life" headline, as "mum of four" Wendy Bush revealed that she'd had a lump removed from her breasts after reading the Sun's campaign. She said she probably wouldn't have checked her breast if it hadn't have been for Page 3. And I'm yet to hear a feminist argument that tops that.Brit feminists bang on forever about page 3. I bet never buy paper I think old fashioned but readers seem to disagree.
— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 10, 2014
Annons
You're free! To do what you want to do! Unless that means taking your top off in public, if you're a woman. Most places.Why are women's nipples sexualised, covered up, made taboo, when men's are not? If anything, women's nipples have more of a right to see the light of day because they actually have some use beyond being tweaked and licked. Not that that stuff isn't important too, guys.Hurrah, then, to the feminists who are fighting for the right to be both naked and a woman. It's currently illegal for women to be topless in 35 states in the US. I doubt that many women are going to rock up at the Five and Dime with their baps casually hanging out, but at least in some states they now have the option. And it seems to have cheered up Rumer Willis, bless her. Bless her and her boobs. Bless all boobs.MADONNA'S TITS UPSET EVERYONE – AGAINGod bless Madonna too, Our Lady of the Perpetual Boob Outrage. She managed to piss everyone off again in 2014 and all she did was get her tits out, which, as we've agreed, is a bit of a double standard.Madge treated the world to her nips as part of a fancy photo-shoot for Interview magazine, so it wasn't like anyone was forced to look at them or anything. And anyway, the Queen of Pop has been popping them out for years now. Decades. I doubt anyone who's had a television, internet connection or magazine subscription at any point over the past 30 years has managed to escape seeing Madonna's mammas. As far as funbags are concerned, they're about as mainstream as mammaries can be.
Annons
Boobs aren't just there to annoy folks though, ya know. Babies like boobs, but for entirely different reasons to grown-up pigs like me and you, dear reader. Babies, it turns out, eat boobs! Or the milk that comes from them. That's actually what boobs are for.Just don't you go doing anything ostentatious like feeding your hungry, crying baby with the boobs that nature and/or God gave you to soothe and sustain said baby, because that would be, like, totally ostentatious. According to arch dickhead Nigel Farage, commenting on the unfortunate case of a woman who was asked to cover up when she began breastfeeding at Claridge's. If I were ever to breastfeed (and yes, that is possible) I suspect I'd pop to the loos if I were somewhere posh like Claridge's, as I am known for bowing to convention and respecting the establishment's unspoken rules, but not everyone is as deferential as me these days. Certainly not the mob of milky mums who turned up a few days later to breastfeed their babies and make their point in style. Now that's what you call a protest.
Annons
There was some science shit for boobs this year too, with boob experts working out that 3D mammograms are better for dense breasts, social researchers finding out that British men prefer tits to oh-so American ass and women with bigger boobs were found to be bigger spenders when they go shopping. Also, Katie Price, she of the big boobs, had a reduction, while BBC Radio 1Xtra presenter Claira Hermet followed in the footsteps of Angelina Jolie and choose to have a double mastectomy – and talk about it publicly – as a precaution against cancer.So there you go: that was the year in boobs. I've nothing more to add other than this woman became famous for twerking her tits to Mozart. Nothing else tit-related happened in 2014.@ParisLeesMore stuff like this:14 Important Battles Won by Women in 2014The 21 Sexiest Things About SexFive Things Men Utterly Ruined for Me in 2014