Does Anyone Actually Know What These Sex Emoji Mean

Listen I'm just like you, I have sex like every other guy: prepare my vent to spray a foam of sperm towards the female (or 'hen'), and hope my seed works its way up towards the egg before inseminating it and, 28 days later, a tiny baby turkey is born. But teens do it differently, primarily through the form of Unicode hieroglyphs tapped out on their mobile phones, a new, digital form of doing it called 'sexting'.

Which is why rubber sheath company and safe sex advocates Durex teamed up with 3GEM to find the most popular sexting emoji among teens and young adults (16 – 25). They want a condom emoji, is the thing. You know when people campaigned for more diverse emoji? Like that, but way less important. They want a condom emoji because they want kids to hate both condoms and emoji.

Thing is though, what in fuck do these emoji mean? It says here an aubergine is the most popular sexting emoji: what does that mean? Another one is just a patch of liquid droplets: what can that possibly mean? And a peach: what is that? Reader, I hope to find out. If anyone has any additional insight into what these emoji may or may not mean, please take to the comments section below.

Think this is meant to be a dick, although if you got an aubergine-sized dick then frankly, Channel 4 should be making a documentary about you and how you can't maintain relationships because your dick is the size and weight of a large savoury fruit. Could go the other way though: there was a guy at my school who fucked a cantaloupe once, and he seemed pretty delighted with it, and I think this could be a more middle class version of that. Basically, he just warmed it up (or roasted it, as I suppose you might call that process) in a low oven, then cored a penis-sized shaft out of it and fucked it dry while clamping it between two cushions. There was a guy at every school who did this, every school in the UK. Boys can be exceptionally creative masturbators given even the most primitive of tools.

The peach means bum, or bottom. No idea how a bottom comes into the sexual equation beyond being a firm supportive shelf for the P-in-V mission action to take place on, but maybe teens have invented something wicked to do with it.

Pretty sure this means 'SBYC', or Shower Before You Come, and is a wordless invitation for any potential sex partners to take a full shower – or, at very least, rinse the savouries in a washing up bowl full of warm soapy water – before getting an Uber over to squelch it? Not 100% but I think that's it.

No idea. Best we can come up with here is 'move over to the right a little bit… little bit more… no it's— you're on my hair — right, OK'. Which, although a necessary and fundamental sex sentence, isn't very 'hot 'n' heavy sexting session on a Saturday night', is it?

This one's pretty straightforward: it means take (or 'peel') the top half of your outfit off, but leave the bottoms on. Taking the bottoms off yourself is the only fun bit of sex. After that it's just doomed expectations and a sort of weak, self-hating orgasm onto some linoleum.

Do teens solemnly let off a party popper after they've fucked now? I suppose in many ways sex is like New Year's Eve: a lot of hype and you feel like you have to begrudgingly make an effort and have fun, but in the end when the fireworks go off and everyone is cheering and shouting you look around and think: truly, I have never felt so alone. Also Jools Holland is there, his head slowly sinking into his neck.

Think this is meant to be a butthole but if you've got a chocolate doughnut instead of a strawberry doughnut then maybe you need some [WETWIPES EMOJI]

You know when Beyoncé sang 'turn that cherry out'? What the fuck did that mean? Teens know, and they are using this information against us. An entire world of conspiracy wrapped up in one simple emoji.

And again juicy fruit make it to the sexting emoji top ten. No because I know I'm overthinking it but 'cherry' has always been an exceptionally gross term for 'virginity' – but I don't know where a strawberry comes in. Is it… it's not 'bellend', is it? God, what if it means bellend.

Listen I know we're having some fun but I literally don't know how this one is a sext emoji. Is this an advanced fingering technique I am unaware of? Sharkfinning, something like that? Or are teens so detached from emotions that they hi-five after sex in lieu of spooning? You know what, please don't take to the comments to tell me. I almost certainly don't want to know.

In short: yeah, a condom emoji might be a good thing, actually, because we're in a quagmire of misunderstanding here. You know what else might be a good emoji to have? Couple of dicks, a tit or two, some biffs. Just to be clear about what we want to do to each other. Some butt plugs, nipple clamps, a scrotum. A lube emoji. Something like that.

If the new-found ubiquity of the cry-laugh emoji is anything to go by, emoji is our language now, destined in a doomed sort of way to eclipse to spoken grunts and unsophisticated daubings on English, French, Chinese. For god's sake: let's sex it up a little.

@joelgolby

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