Gavin Haynes Sleepless Nights
This Is What Justin Bieber Should Do After His Sad, Inevitable Breakdown
Justin has the opportunity to leave the world a better place than he found it.
This Is What Will Happen When the Queen Dies
Britain will go off its nut. But then Britain loves to go off its nut.
A History of Celebrity Trials, from Woodward to Pistorius
We've been taking a prurient interest in the private shame of others since the 90s.
Remember When the Brit Awards Were Amazing?
Because personally I have no recollection of that period.
Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up On God
Becoming the Pope must be as disorientating as growing a second cock or learning how to fly.
Why Boyz II Men Won't Save the Russian People from Extinction
They don't want to procreate. They just want to die. It's what they do.
Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain
Hey Bulgarians and Romanians, don't listen to our government – come and join in the fun!
'He Just Wanted to Take More Drugs Than Anyone Else'
How Lance Armstrong's simple problem turned cycling into Trainspotting on wheels.
Let's Lock All of Britain Up in a Spaceship-Sized Super-Prison
Alternatively, you could just keep a criminal in a cage in your house.
Depardieu and Putin, Sitting in a Tree
A tree that is strong enough to hold the wine-bloated Frenchman and doesn't make him pay tax.
The Demise of the Zany Jedi Wankers
Ten years ago, there were 390,000 Jedis in Britain. Now, there are only 170,000.
Ghostwriting Is the Future of Literature
Ever since Tom Clancy kicked it off, they're all bloody at it.