It's been a minute since Christmas was really that Christmassy. We might have less money than ever before, but there’s certainly a lot to be thankful for: Office parties are back with a gloriously messy vengeance, yuletide get-togethers are no longer restricted to support bubbles on freezing outdoor tables. We even get to hug our grandparents without the overwhelming fear that we might kill them – although this does mean receiving sloppy kisses from our least favourite aunt again. Love it or hate it, the true essence of Christmas has returned.
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In this renewed festive spirit, some families will joyously (or reluctantly) unite for the first time in three years. Naturally, there will be tiffs over Monopoly empires, but there’s also a hell of a lot 2022 happenings to squabble about, too. From one unprecedented period to another, a lot has happened in the last year, and it’s easy to picture merry laughter across the dinner table turning into fierce fall outs. Is Prince Harry a standup guy or a snake? Elon Musk - threat to free speech or defender of liberty? Which political leader has hurt this country the most? What wouldn’t Kourtney Kardashian do for money? If you were Will Smith, what would you have done?To avoid the possibility of Christmas confrontations over these not-so-perennial questions, I meet Santa Claus at Rebellion Beer’s taproom just outside west London — courtesy of a professional agency called Santa’s Calling You — to put the fervent debates to bed, ahead of time. I ask Santa who’s been naughty or nice this year - and why on earth his local drinking hole is so far from Lapland.
Elon Musk
Santa: I’m loath to encourage the distribution of fossil fuels but yes, nothing more than coal. I’m totally for free speech, but hate speech is wrong. There’s no way I’d let Trump and all the other right, or left, wing zealots have a voice on my platform. But I recognise he’s a Marmite kind of guy.You’re suggesting it's not such a clear cut case - I guess Santa eventually sees both the light and the dark?
Santa: I like to see the positive in everyone and he got the ball rolling with electric cars through Tesla. I don’t use engines either, if I was going to modernise my sleigh it would be electric with solar panels to recharge when I hit sunny time zones. But he’s also a stonkingly rich, self-centered showman. He regards himself as a Peter Pan character who doesn’t want to grow up - maybe the coal will help.
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Verdict: Firmly on the naughty list
Julia Fox
Santa: Well, no. But it depends whether those issues were unsettling to her well-being within the partnership - it has to be mutually beneficial. She obviously came to the conclusion that she couldn’t deal with whatever he was facing, but it’s never good for your motivation in life to be newsworthy.Says someone giving an interview to VICE.
Santa: You can’t share the good word in a vacuum. We people in the public eye can use our celebrity status to raise concerns around issues and causes that need spotlighting.What issue would you like to raise today?
Santa: Well, I didn’t watch a minute of the World Cup. I’m friends with quite a few LGBTQ people, so I had to make a stand. It gave me peace of mind to not just go along with it - I don’t support the regime in Qatar. Verdict: Nice
Joe Biden
Santa: I’d have to eat a few less mince pies and get fitter to be president, but I’d always answer the call to help make a difference. I’d end homelessness and have a massive home building program. I’m used to handling all my elves and do a good job every year at ensuring everything is delivered in time - perhaps I’d make a decent project manager.
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Verdict: Nice, even though he’s like an inappropriate grandad whenever he's passed the mic
Liz Truss
Santa: It’s different for me: I was born for the job.Like the Dalai Lama?
Santa: Yes, like him I’ve grown into the role (since the birth of Saint Nicholas some 1,700 years ago) - more people have heard of me, though. Verdict: Perhaps the naughtiest of them all – he wished there were more words to choose from
Will Smith
Santa: It was very big of him to stay calm and make a joke of it. He could’ve threatened lawsuits and all that, but he was quite gracious - he was the bigger man. Violence doesn’t solve anything. I’m not that keen on people pummelling each other in a boxing ring either, but at least that’s sanctioned.
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Verdict: Regretfully naughty
Prince Harry and Prince William
Santa: I’d be supportive of a reconciliation: Whatever’s happened, you’re talking about brothers who have gone through so much together. Will has long accepted his role and that he’ll be king one day, while Harry took the brave decision to put the happiness of his family first. I just wish them both a happy life. Verdict: Both nice, despite being born into extravagant wealth thanks to our blood, sweat and tears.
Climate Protesters Who Threw Soup on Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’
Santa: I’ll let you into a secret, tomato soup is Santa’s favorite soup - with lots of ground pepper. But they should’ve used some sort of tin with no brand advertising, because Heinz got great publicity from it.
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Verdict: Nice, even with their criminal records
Kourtney Kardashian
Santa: Their marketing department has scored an own goal hiring her to promote eco-friendly clothes. I think they could’ve chosen a better role model, it’s definitely a hypocritical move. I don’t know what her motivations are - I suspect it’s money, but I’m not going to paint everyone with the same brush. I’d want to know more details before I put her on the naughty list - it’s a serious matter.Santa’s verdict: Neither naughty, nor nice
Drake
Santa: He's a guy of influence and obviously an idol to a lot of young girls - his behaviour seems very dubious to me. But how he lives his life and who he dates – so long as it's above board – is up to him. I don't know how any of his relationships have evolved, there has to be hard evidence of whether he has been perverse or deviant.He’s also been taking 20-minute plane journeys.
Santa: Well, that’s taking the piss, isn’t it? I have a good friend who’s so green that he hasn’t taken a flight in 40 years because he doesn’t want to add to the problem. That’s the total opposite to this guy - it’s appalling.Verdict: Naughty@matthabusby