Plastic Jocks

Three to one is my favourite ratio

I travel through space in search of fellatio

—3.5 Megabytes

In the mid-’90s, New Jersey indie rock was in danger. The shoegazing movement started by those self-absorbed snaggletoothed Brits across the pond turned the scene into a bunch of bratty hipster suburbanites whining about life, almost completely killing the notion of a good rock show.

Enter the 3.5 Megabytes. In 1995, armed with two Casios, a cheap drum machine, and their collective middle finger pointed skyward, the frustrated Megabytes (then the Alex P. Keatons) gave introspective rock fans a much-needed kick in the ass with their first jam “Techno Love,” quickly clearing out a half-full basement in the process. In the first three years of the band, there were one and a half practices and two shows. New Jersey was obviously not ready for the Megabyte revolution.

Now, watching the three core members of 3.5 Megabytes (Perverticus, Ultra Magnus, and Master Control Program) lose their shit on stage is like watching Ron Jeremy join Gwar and Kraftwerk for a collaboration at a Goodwill talent show—totally fucked on hi-octane crank. The “Techno Love” sound has evolved into budgetronic techno sex jams with an insanely elaborate live show that includes costumes, shadow puppetry, dancers, and a segment that calls on an audience member to take a hammer to the lead singer’s jockstrap. It took them almost half a decade, but they did it. They fucking

did it.