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When I was a kid, the Bills logo really confused me. Why was there a buffalo if that wasn’t their name and no other team had its city drawn out? And what’s a “Bill,” anyway? If the team is named after famous Wild West showman Buffalo Bill, why is their mascot a buffalo and not a cowboy? WHAT’S GOING ON? AND WHY ARE THEY SHOWING THIS GAME ON A THURSDAY?
PICK: MiamiPhiladelphia (+3.5) at Washington
Nick Foles, everyone! The rookie is making his first career start for the Eagles—could this be a new era in Philadelphia football? Could he turn this team around? Let’s watch him throw a ball to Jason Avant:
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PICK: WashingtonGreen Bay (-3.5) at Detroit
Old-school football purists can complain about all the rule changes of the past few decades all favoring offenses, but then you see a game like this, where there is going to be a lot of passing and scoring and cheering and excitement, and you’re like, “Why do we even have defenses, anyway?”
PICK: Green BayArizona (+10) at Atlanta
Arizona is one of those bad-but-boring teams that always seems to be 4-7, so it’s weird to remember that they were in the Super Bowl in 2009, and almost won. Now they’re bad again. If I wanted to start a blog about the Cardinals I’d name it 40 Years in the Desert, but then I would be blogging about the Cardinals.
PICK: ArizonaTampa Bay (-1.5) at Carolina
You think people from Tampa Bay refer to people in Carolina as Yankees? Like, “man, those Yankees love to drink moonshine.” I mean, they’re from “up North” relative to Tampa, right? And what do people from Carolina call Tampans? “Tampans”? That can’t be right…
PICK: Tampa Bay
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Out of all the awesome stuff on YouTube—and there is a lot of awesome stuff, not limited to “zit popping 2012” (ew) and public access skinheads—the best and darkest K-hole to fall into involves 90s Cowboys videos. The hair! Jimmy Johnson’s enthusiasm! The “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” Wow. I’m crying and I don’t know why.
PICK: ClevelandNY Jets (+3.5) at St. Louis
It’s easy to get Matt Stafford and Sam Bradford mixed up, since their names sound alike, they’re around the same age, and they’re both very, very rich. Were it not for the gulf of talent between the two, they’d be the Bills Pullman and Paxton of the NFL. But since Bradford is wayyyy worse than Stafford, they’re more like Bill Pullman and Lou Paxton, the out-of-work porn actor.
PICK: St. LouisIndianapolis (+9) at New England
Boston sports fans are easily upset, probably because they are morons who have sexual fantasies about close blood relatives. So I really, really want Indianapolis to win. Imagine: Andrew Luck, Peyton Manning’s heir, beats Peyton’s former rival, giving the Patriots a mediocre-looking 6-4 record and ushers in a decade of no one being afraid of Tom Brady or Belichick’s increasingly cobbled-together defenses. The giant soggy sports bar that is Massachusetts would shake with grief.
PICK: IndianapolisJacksonville (+15.5) at Houston
Fifteen points? Jesus, but also sounds about right. There’s not much to say here, so let’s talk about this YouTube video for the Sufjan Stevens song “Jacksonville” (YES I KNOW IT’S NOT ABOUT JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA):
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Now, I don’t know what the word “indie” means exactly or how you’d define “indie music” or “indie culture,” but I know that you’re too into indie, whatever it is, when you decide to dress up your band as butterfly Girl Scouts. Seriously guys, enough with the hot air balloons and the accordions and the book art. Crack open a beer and watch some football, although not this game, ‘cause it’ll be a blowout.
PICK: HoustonCincinnati (+3.5) at Kansas City
I am legitimately charmed by the story of Chiefs safety Eric Berry’s fear of horses, which was caught on camera last week. It’s a serious condition (he has equinophobia), but it’s also very, very funny to see a big football player panic at the sight of a woman on a horse and say things like “Aw no, there goes that horse,” and “I don’t mess with horses bruh, straight up” to teammates who evidently don’t really understand why he is freaking out. How much does it suck that a guy who has equinophobia has to be on a team that uses horses in its pregame festivities? Although I guess he’s glad he’s not on the Broncos or Colts. Here’s a video of him explaining his fear.
PICK: Kansas CityNew Orleans (-5) at Oakland
Hey, did you know that every NFL team has multiple songs written about it? Here’s a song about the Raiders from Ice Cube and it is a banger—I’m using the British definition of “banger” though, so I mean it’s a lukewarm, unappetizing tube of meat served with gray potatoes.
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It also contains some odd lyrics “Let’s throw a bomb a first down/ Let’s throw a bomb on every down” is questionable strategy to say the least and “Going crazy/ lose your soul/ lose your mind in the black hole” sounds fucking terrifying if you don’t realize he just means, “Get drunk and yell in the Raiders’ famous cheering section!”
PICK: New OrleansSan Diego (+7.5) at Denver
A while back, when the Chargers were 3-2 and beating Denver by 24-0 at halftime, I started talking on Twitter about how the Chargers were secretly the third best team in the AFC or something. Ohhhhhh man that wasn’t right. Since then they lost that game 35-24, lost to Cleveland 7-6, and now Philip Rivers can’t even squat down without tipping over:
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Last week, Steelers star quarterback Ben Roethlisberger got hurt because some really big guy fell on him, which happens a lot in football. To which I say: good. Fuck Ben Roethlisberger, he’s an asshole who’s sexually assaulted women. And then it hit me—there’s the solution to the moral dilemma of, “Can I watch football when I know these guys are getting permanently injured just for my entertainment?” Just come to the realization that a lot of the guys are jerks or worse and probably deserve to get beaten up and concussed. Remember tight end Jerramy Stevens? (You probably don’t.) He once ran his car into a nursing home, among other things. I hope he got seriously hurt for life while earning millions of dollars playing in the NFL.
PICK: Baltimore
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Whoo! A couple of the NFC’s best teams, and the league’s best defenses, going head to head in front of the nation! I hope you guys like punting and 13-10 games as much as me, because there is going to be a lot of tackling and not a lot of moments when you can turn to your non-fan friends and go, “See, this is why I like football!”PICK: ChicagoPrevious Week’s Record: 8-6Overall Record: 75-65-6Previously: Offensive Lineman Dreams